December 20, 2011

Sorry, I’ve been sleeping zzzzz

Posted in December tagged , , , at 3:33 pm by viewfromthisdesk

I know I haven’t blogged for a while, I’ve been really tired. The cfs has kicked in big time which isn’t fun. I’m just so very tired all the time and I’m on antibiotics for an infection, so I’m grumpy and blooming miserable.

Third weigh-in on Monday lunchtime. I lost 2 ½ pounds which brings my total to 8 ½ now. I know I should be pleased, but for some reason, I feel quite disappointed that I didn’t manage another three pounds to get three in a row. But Monday I achieved my half stone and also my 5% goal was reached.

So looking forwards I have no ww meetings until Monday 9th which I’m struggling with. I need the continual motivation which the regular meetings gives me and I’ve already fallen off the wagon as it were, I had pate on proper bread-toast this morning which is about my daily allowance of points in one mouthfull!

Today is my last day at work for two weeks *hoorah*, so I don’t know when I’ll be able to blog again. I plan on sleeping quite a lot and hopefully recouping some much needed spoons. I’ve definitely been trading against the future, which is never sensible. So to one and all, Happy Christmas and may 2012 bring you everything you wish for.

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December 15, 2011

Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

Posted in November at 1:53 pm by viewfromthisdesk

The problem with fibro and cfs is that you get to a point where you (almost) forget they’re lingering around. You get to a point where you’re (sub-consciously) managing your day and popping the lovely pain-pills at set times. You feel almost human again and the people around you are picking up the extra bits that you’ve forgotten you can’t do anymore because they’re so fabulous.

And then something hits you hard and fast. It can be something as simple as not wrapping up warmly enough when you go and shut your chickens away at night, or a bug that you might have caught the edge of or, an emotional battering ram that has just come and smacked you in the solar plexus and totally winded the very life out of you.

I should have recognised the signs, I should have listened when I was told to go and have a nap, but no. I had to be blasé about how much the appointment on Tuesday afternoon had gotten to me. Yesterday therefore was a proper struggle. I eventually got out of bed, which is no mean feat in itself sometimes. I even managed to get on a pair of socks which was impressive considering the state of my finger and hips joints. After a great faff, I was washed and somewhat dressed. I even managed to go down the garden and let the chickens out (although stupidly, without gloves on) make and eat my breakfast and make it to my desk at work. By that point, with that wonderful gift that is hindsight, I’m guessing is where my spoons ran out. (if you don’t know what I mean when I talk about spoons, look up ‘the spoon theory’ and have a read)

I was sat at my desk doing, quite a lot of typing yesterday. It’s getting to year end, calendar and company, and I have quite frankly, shed-loads to go. Stuff to get off, stuff to get finished, stuff to get organised for the accountant, stuff to find a space in the cupboard for. You know, normal secretary stuff. So I’m typing – with my compression gloves on for a change so yey, get me, listening to my body and all that tosh – and it’s at a point sometime after lunch when the boss and I are attempting to have a conversation. I have to admit, I have no clue what this conversation was about, I suspect something important about a client but pass. He then stops talking to me and just says ‘how much longer are you going to last?’ and I gazed, blankly back at him. Classy.

I’m sent home early, again and I get to the arm of the sofa. Can’t manage to actually get on the seat and hubby tries to get me to go to bed, but I’m insistent I need to make a cup of tea or cook tea or something. Anyway, I won’t go to bed, I just won’t. I’m sure I’m coming across as a petulant toddler right now, but no, I won’t go. So he bundles me onto the sofa and tells me to sit still. Course, by the time he returns with my cup of tea, I’m asleep. At 4pm in the afternoon. And I sleep for over an hour. I manage to cook tea and only burn myself once, but somehow don’t drop anything, well, nothing that breaks anyhow. I’m in bed at 9.30pm and I sleep until the alarm goes off at 7.30am. I wake, all fuzzy headed and feeling like I’ve been in a fight whilst running a marathon. I am so sore inside all my bones and joints and I hurt all over. I can’t understand why my skin isn’t bruised shades of green and yellow and purple. And today, I have to try and do the same all over again. This work malarkey is tough. I want to sleep, here and now, at my desk. I want to take something to make the sore-ness go away, I just want to be normal.

But cfs and fibro have ruined any chance of ‘normal’ now. I hate it. I hate who I’ve become, this self-pitying, heavily-reliant-on-others individual. This isn’t who I am, not really. I should have slept when we got back from the Consultants, I should have not rushed to try and get to work on time yesterday, I should have given up on cooking tea and slept for longer. I shouldn’t be at work right now.

December 13, 2011

Getting one’s hopes up.

Posted in December, Health stuff tagged , , , at 6:04 pm by viewfromthisdesk

I made it quite obvious that I was hoping this Consultant this afternoon was going to change my life.  Yeah, that was a foolish assumption.  Hubby came with me to the appointment, as he does with all of the specialists and even he’s left thinking ‘what the heck was that for?’

The guy agrees I have cfs.  Not an issue.  He also says it can’t be cured or prevented, which we already knew.  Says I need to learn what my triggers to falling asleep almost instantly are and work around them.  Says I need to work less hours, sleep more and do some exersize.

So.  Taking them in no particular order, how does he propose I exersize with the fibro?  Name me a non-impact form of exersize that is free.  How the heck to do I anything MORE than what I’m doing now, without hurting myself?  And sleep more – seriously?  I’m in bed by 9pm most nights, not the midnight I used to be able to do.  I can’t get up in the mornings, I’m falling asleep at mydesk around 3pm. When am I supposed to fit in any more sleep and actually live a life worth living?

And work less.  For heaven’s sake, I’m not working 37.5 hours as it is, I haven’t for ages!  When I pointed this out, he just said I’d have to cut down even more.  When I said I couldn’t afford the second drop in income he turned around and said ‘why should chronic fatigue be any different to cancer? If you had cancer, you’d stop working in an instant if it meant you had a better quality of life.’  What I would have liked to have said to him was that if I had cancer, I’d be signed off as unable to work and would be able to claim some sort of benefits to enable my income to remain vaguely steady.  I’d also get free prescriptions and some help with living my life to the full within the constraints of the awful illness that I was experiencing.   But I have cfs and fibro.  None of the above apply.  The system doesn’t work.  I have no help, financially, emotionally, physically. 

He says I’m going to be referred to the OT team who will teach me to pace and prioritise my day.  What a waste of time.  I had all that last year with my OT.  Who accepted I don’t have a normal, nice nine to five that has regular things happening at set times.  Pacing doesn’t always work properly on my desk.

Hacked off doesn’t even come close to how I feel right now.  Hubby says we’ll work it out somehow but I honestly don’t know how we’re going to do that right now.  Any ideas peeps?  I’m all out.

A little bit of everything

Posted in December, Health stuff, Weight Watchers tagged , , , , at 10:02 am by viewfromthisdesk

Well, weigh-in number two yesterday.  It’s no secret that I was hoping I’d lost four pounds to make my half stone in two weigh-ins but it wasn’t to be.  Another three instead which I KNOW isn’t a bad thing atall and slow and steady weight loss is the best way to do it and blah blah blah, but I was really hoping.  And with everything that had happened with Felix and all that potential for emotional eating, I’d worked damn hard. 

So.  Two weeks in and six pounds gone.  My target for next week is another three off, that way I’ll have lost my half stone, hit my 5% target and had a three in a row.  Then it’s a two week break for Christmas and that’s going to be difficult for me to stay motivated and on track.  I like the regularity, the routine right now.  Yesterday’s meeting was ‘What would you like for Christmas’ and it was a case of did you want to lose, maintain or gain?  Absolutely everyone (it seemed) was happy – over two weeks – to maintain their weight that they find themselves at next week.  Whereas me, little old me, I want to lose at least four more pounds over the two week break.

Don’t get me wrong, food will most definately be applied to my face over the festive season.  I am very much looking forward to my Christmas dinner which I chose and ordered before the very thought of ww crossed my mind.  But, I’m not willing to scupper all I’ve worked so blooming hard for, just for a box of chocolates or an extra roast potato. 

Quite simply, if I can’t get through Christmas, what chance do I have once my twelve weeks is over? 

Onto totally different matters now, I’m off to see the CFS consultant this afternoon.  My GP thinks this guy is going to change my life.  I really, really hope so.  This consultant has an OT team at his command too, so hopefully I’ll have a new person to help me with the everyday stuff.  Wrote the last of the Christmas cards last night and coupled with typing this, means my hands and back and shoulders are KILLING me today.  Bring on the extra help I say!

December 10, 2011

The ups, must be followed by downs.

Posted in December tagged , , , at 10:35 am by viewfromthisdesk

It’s been a stupidly stressful week, hence the lack of postings.  Wednesday I hit an emotional wall and I instantly wanted to comfort eat.  Home alone, emotional with a cupboard full of crisps is really, really not a good place to be.  But, somehow I kept busy and avoided the lure of crisps.  I honestly do not know how I did it.  Emotional eating has always been a big thing for me, I don’t know why and I have no urge to get all psycho-analytical on you but I was in a rather a dark place and my one way of coping with it was not an acceptable choice.  I just hope that Monday backs up what I did.

Thursday was crazy emotional too, but a positive emotional day.  Something really great happened, that I was a part of and I was on cloud nine that evening, it was a fabulous afternoon.  Once more, I managed to keep emotion and food separate.  I baked a cake, but it was a ww cake and only 3 points a slice which I was able to work into my daily plan, so how can that be anything less than brilliant?!

Friday.  Yesterday.  Oh how awful that day started and ended.  Got up as usual and went to let my chickens out.  They’ve been a great boost to my life.  When things are bad and all I want to do is hide in my duvet and not leave the bed for the day, I have a reason to get up.  They have to be let out of their coop, they need checking and feeding and all that.  Just like any other pet I know, but at the end of the garden, so I have to make an effort!  Anyhow, one of my chickens, Felix, hasn’t been on top form recently, she’s lost some weight and hasn’t wanted to be as boisterous as the other chickens.  She was still eating and drinking and being a typical chicken, but yesterday morning there was something very not right.  So, I put her in a private, quiet coop with some food and water and hoped for the best.  Sadly, when I got home from work, as early as I could get home, she’d died.  Which quite frankly is pants.

So last night I decided that I wasn’t going to think about points. I cooked tea and I had a slice of the cake and just didn’t stress about adding up and calculating stuff.  I wanted a night off.  And I don’t regret it one bit.  I was upset, last night I had more important things, quite frankly, to worry about than the blooming points value of this and that.

And now, Saturday dawns.  And I’ve got to get back on track and get motivated again but today is very much a wanting to crawl back into the duvet day.

December 6, 2011

The day after the errm, day before!

Posted in December, Weight Watchers tagged , , , at 1:33 pm by viewfromthisdesk

So yesterday was the first weigh in.  I know I made out I was dreading it, but I’d worked so hard that I knew I’d lost weight, there was no reason for it to be a same or gain.  It was difficult, waiting in the queue behind the other people.  You try and keep a distance to be respectful but you can’t help but earwig, trying to hear what they had.  Before me was a half, a four and then a four and a half.  It was a tough act to follow.  But, this pro-points scheme apparently is designed for a loss between a half and two pounds a week, so what with the first week novelty thrown in for good measure, three pounds is blooming good.  And I’m finally accepting that.

I have a target (for myself I must stress, not set by anyone else) of five more pounds over the next two weeks.  So please send me love and wishes and prayers and thoughts that I can find the strength and enthusiasm to stick with this.  I know that is a really selfish request but if I don’t ask, I don’t get.

Jumped on the ww produce bandwagon yesterday, but it was bargainous from Poundland, which I feel made it worthwhile.  I’m not paying supermarket prices, I refuse.  So today I tried Onion and Herb Oat & Wheat Crackers and no word of a lie, they are blooming DELICIOUS.  I think I’ll continue to have these in my cupboard even after my 12 weeks are up!

Off to a concert tonight, not sure how I’ll be tomorrow.  Possibly stupidly tired and sore.  I could do with having a snooze this afternoon so the CFS doesn’t jump up and bite me later or tomorrow.  Hmmm ……… best have a word with the boss ………

December 5, 2011

Day of Judgement #1

Posted in December, Health stuff, Weight Watchers at 3:00 pm by viewfromthisdesk

Well, not so much day of judgement as lunchtime of judgement. No? Okay, ten seconds of judgement. 

The first dreaded weigh-in.

Before I tell you how it went, I do feel I owe you a big sorry.  I was a proper grumpy mare last week, wasn’t I?  But if I can’t be honest here, there’s no point me strapping up my hands and wrists to type.  So, if I’m being a right pain in the whatsit, you’ll just have to unsubscribe or hit delete or something.  The lows come with the highs.

Had an interesting weekend.  Saturday I kept myself busy and found that I ‘did’ more if I didn’t put the tv on, as much as Mr James Martin and his spun sugar with a gazzilion points creations tried to lure me in.  Plus, our sofa is proper knackered.  Really, really ruined and it’s doing my back and hips zero favours, but these are the things we must endure until at least the January sales.  So, the ipod was put on shuffle and the day was fabulous.  Just doing *stuff* and rearranging bits around the house.  Sunday I foolishly decided to wrap the last few Christmas gifts.  Oh. My. Days.  How painful is faffing with scissors and sellotape?!  I was in tears by the end of it all, which isn’t what wrapping lovely things is supposed to do.  Hey ho.  The joy that is writing Christmas cards is due this week and I have to confess, I’m dreading it.  Writing and trying to grip a pen is like the worst thing for me.  I just don’t know how I can do a hundred of the damn things without them being illegible or me having a total pain breakdown.  Feel free to comment suggestions as to card alternatives.

Today is back at work, with tales of snow up North.  I love snow, so prettyfull.  I’m sure it’s an absolute ‘mare for anyone with it trying to get to school or work and all that, but it was just so sparkly and lovely on tv this morning.  Awh.

Oh and my weigh in – yeah it was okay.  Lost 3 pounds. It’ll do for starters I s’pose.  No, I’m thrilled, honestly.  I celebrated by buying some ww’s yoghurts from the new Poundland.  Only one point, brilliant.

December 3, 2011

So much to be thankful for.

Posted in December, Weight Watchers tagged , , , , at 12:56 pm by viewfromthisdesk

It’s a gorgeous day today, the view from this desk (well sofa) is glorious.  The sun is shining and whilst there are no leaves on the trees or Disney bunnys bouncing around the place, it is still a lovely day.  Today’s post, I’m determined, is going to be very positive and upbeat.  It might not be very long because my fingers and hands are absolutely blooming killing me but you’ll never know if this took me ten minutes or ten hours to write, oh the joys of ‘save draft’ buttons!

I know some of you are worrying about me because of the ranting I’ve done all week and the very vocal admission of my struggle with this ww system.  For that, I am truly sorry.  This blog was never intended to upset anyone or cause you concern.  I want you to giggle with/at me, not to think that I’m starving myself – I promise you, I will never do that – I want you to share this journey with me,to support and encourage and celebrate and commiserate.

Bleugh that’s a bit girly isn’t it?!  Better get back to rambling!

Yes, in a very honest admission here, I am struggling with the pro points system.  Not helped by the fact that my genetics made me 5ft tall.  I am supposed to survive on the minimum points on the system, which in case you’re atall interested is 26 per day.  I love tea.  I drink gallons of the stuff, it is my addiction in life.  Well, tea and eBay.  But that doesn’t have any ProPoints thankfully.  But milk does, so in order to satisfy my tea habit, I actually only have 23 points a day for food.  Next time you’re in a supermarket and you’ve nothing better to do that pick up random items and read the label, have a look at ww branded stuff and it’ll have a blue number on it.  That’s this pro point thingy and I’m supposed to live off 23 of the bliters each day.

But, in a desperate attempt to claw this wittering back to the title, I am thankful that my points are only 23.  I have rediscovered veg and fruit.  Something I had, I’m ashamed to admit, begun to ignore / forget about.  A handful of frozen peas with a meal, does not make five of one’s five a day.

So, if nothing else, ww is re-educating me.  I can feel full without a 10oz rump steak and all the glorious trimmings.  Although, I am still not convinced that two crumpets with half a pound of Lurpak smeared all over them and my face, is not a suitable breakfast for a sunny weekend morning.  Are you gasping in shock?  Are you shouting at the computer screen ‘NO! Step away from the glorious yellow-y melting substance of crumpet joy!’ No? Ah, maybe that’s just in my head then.  But never fear, I did not eat that for breakfast this morning.  I do not even want to consider how many points that would contain!  Plus, there are no crumpets in the freezer or branded butter product in the fridge.  I am learning how to work my meals out and I promise you, I’ll cheer up soon.

So. Here goes;

I am thankful that the sun is shining this morning.
I am thankful for my ipod, so I can ‘dance’ like no-one is watching and burn calories without hurting myself, or going to a gym.
I am thankful for direct emails and texts and comments on this blog.
I am thankful for the splints and supports that enable me to type.
I am thankful for this food re-education.
I am thankful for easy-peel oranges.
I am thankful for my scales that gave me a boost of encouragement this morning.
I am thankful for my husband who has mastered that gadgetry that is my propoints calculator.
I am thankful for friends that worry about me.  So very thankful indeed.

December 2, 2011

Day five dramas

Posted in December, Weight Watchers tagged , , , at 1:03 pm by viewfromthisdesk

Indeed there are dramas, of the single point calculation variety.  There was total panic and carnage when this morning a conversation about ryvita crackers revealed that it isn’t a pair of ryvitas that have one point value but a single ryvita is one point.  Oh my life, all my calculations to date are WRONG!  I knew I should have paid more attention to Mr Green in GCSE maths, no matter how scary he was.  So all my day totals are wrong, my plans for the long, tedious weeks ahead are wrong and I just don’t know how to cope with it all.

If you look in my food diary, not that you’re likely to, to be fair but if you did, you would see some serious repetition taking place and if I’m bored on day five, what am I going to be like on day seventy nine when my twelve weeks are drawing to a close?  Currently, I’m okay with the repetition; porridge with different frozen fruits for breakfast, random fruit to snack on in the morning, maybe a yoghurt if I’m feeling a bit brave (three points in the yoghurts I bought, owch!) then precisely weighed and calculated soup for lunch – usually lukewarm as it’s kept in a thermos as we don’t have a microwave in the office, with – the object of today’s ranting, ryvitas.  Dry ryvitas of course as ww think that any form of cracker lubrication is the work of the diet-devils.  And to keep things interesting, I have three varieties of the aforementioned rectangular cracker brands; original, dark rye and lighter-than-air crackerbreads.  The latter are rubbish with soup, you can’t dunk them like in the advert and they stick to the roof of your mouth when you try and just munch them, imagining layers of cheese and butter on them to make the experience worthwhile.  Tea is generally whatever I can cobble together from the points I have left. 

It’s rubbish quite frankly, this journey.  I hate it already. 

I want cheese and crisps and jacket potatoes with cheese and pineapple and coleslaw and pate on toast.  I want fish and chips this weekend and there’s no way my (emergency) ‘weekly allowance’ of 49 points is going to cover that.  I am thinking about food all the time, especially when I’m miserable and cold and sore.  Yesterday was a day when I could have quite happily stuck two fingers up at the ww establishment and dived into a pound slab of mature cheddar and followed it up with as many kit kat chunkys as I could shove in my face.  Yesterday was a bad day.  Not through lack of motivation as I never had any to begin with, but I was miserable and in pain and unable to snap out of the shocking emotional place I was in.  How does two dry ryvitas – of any stupid flavour – fix that?

December 1, 2011

Chocolate for breakfast

Posted in December, Health stuff, Weight Watchers tagged , , , , , at 1:45 pm by viewfromthisdesk

Well it’s true, isn’t it? Most of us have indeed had chocolate for breakfast. Well, to be honest, I didn’t but ONLY because my advent calendars were at work. Yes plural.  There’s three of us in the office and I bought a set of calendars and the other lady here also got a set.  The boy failed us so we’re deciding whether he should buy Thorntons or Hotel Chocolat ones for us next year. So I have a Hello Kitty calendar and a Disney Princesses one.  And no, I haven’t blooming calculated the sodding weight watchers points on it, I’ve just allocated one and so be it.  Yes, I know I’m thirty-something and possibly too old for advent calendars but I had my very first (chocolate) advent calendar last year and I bought it myself.  So get over the whole ‘calendars are for kids’ and be pleased that I have this one little pleasure in life today.

Can you tell yet that my attitude today is slightly questionable?

I’m in a funny place today, I’ll be honest.  I’m feeling very down, very low in myself.  Am snapping at people when I have absolutely no reason to (so very sorry) and I feel really rather emotional.  I’m sore in places that haven’t been sore for ages and I just want to go home, wrap myself in a blanket and wallow in my self pity.  I’m so very cold, but it’s that weird cold where it feels like it’s coming from inside.  I can’t feel my feet or ends of my fingers, so I’m struggling today and I don’t want to.  I hate these stupid frigging illnesses, I hate the way they just turn up uninvited and totally screw up my life. 

(When I leave work and get home) I want to read my books, but I can’t hold them because it hurts my wrists and shoulders too much.  I want to wrap the last two presents I’ve got but my fingers will not play ball with the paper and sellotape.  I want to be a normal human being and today, I am far from normal. 

I just want a hug but it hurts to wrap my arms around anyone and it hurts to be touched.  How completely crap is that?