May 12, 2012

A change in proceedings.

Posted in November at 3:05 pm by viewfromthisdesk

The sun is shining, joints ache less and I’m sleeping well. I’ve also managed to keep my weight stable and I’m feeling in slightly better shape than recently. Sorry for being a miserable mare.

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May 6, 2012

Bank Holiday Blues

Posted in Health stuff, May tagged , , , , at 3:55 pm by viewfromthisdesk

So, May bank holiday weekend, typically associated for me with a weekend camping at Stoneleigh Royal Agricultural Showground. No camping for me this weekend. My joints cannot take the fluctuating temperatures, the uneven surfaces, the unpredictable day. So, hubby has gone for the day and he was out all day yesterday too leaving me feeling very lonely and miserable.

Now I know that some of you reading this will be most annoyed that I didn’t call you and ask if you wanted to spend the day together.  I’m sorry about that, but honestly, I’m not great company.

I’m lonely and miserable and tired and feeling pretty pathetic.  This stupid, evil, horrid illness has wiped out all scraps of self respect and confidence I ever had.  I’m wanting to go in the garden and plant seeds so I have salad and veg all summer and I can’t open the fiddly little packets, can’t pick up the tiny seeds, can’t stand long enough to pop compost.  My hands don’t work, my hips are in agony and yet another favourite thing of mine has been stolen by this wretched condition.

I started to sort through all my craft items too yesterday which wasn’t great for my brain.  I used to design and make (dare I say it myself) gorgeous cards and I was so proud of my work.  So pleased with the joy my things gave others.  I can’t do it anymore, I can’t hold or cut or move or stick.  So it’s over.  I have ticked the box on my tax return that says the business is finished, I have deleted my facebook page and probably, the most drastic of all, I removed the vinyl lettering off the back of my car which gave my website details.  Another door closed.  Now I just have to clear everything out, sell the bits and move on.

So, I spent large chunks of yesterday wanting to just crawl back into bed.  It’s the least painful place to be in my world.  Today, I was prepared for wanting to do that again, I took my phone and kindle upstairs, ready for a day of hiding away from the world under my duvet.  But then the sun came out and convinced me that getting dressed and just doing something as simple as pegging out some washing, whilst exhausting, is actually a positive move in the day.

I want to weed and prune and mow the lawn though.  I want to plant seeds and tidy the greenhouse and start another year of self sufficiency.  I’m so deeply frustrated, so annoyed at having to rely on others for the simplest of tasks.

I’m not writing this for attention.  I’m not wanting you to ring me or text or email to ask if I’m okay.  I’m just being honest.  All too often I gloss over the cold hard truth for you.  Not today.