November 1, 2016

Grieving for the past

Posted in November tagged , , at 10:45 am by viewfromthisdesk

I just stumbled upon an excellent blog post entitled ‘Grieving for me because of M.E.’ and it was blinking brilliant.  Totally resonated with some of the thoughts and feelings I’ve been fighting with these past few years.  Hubby and I often talk in terms of ‘before’ which is kinda like modern societies BC / AD time splits.  ‘Before the diagnosis’ would be a good title but I was struggling for a few years before that actually occurred. ‘Before’ is all and more of these.

Before I was ill.
Before I got tired.
Before things hurt.
Before I couldn’t walk unaided.
Before I had to give up alcohol.
Before everything had to be considered in minute details as to how/when/where.
Before people thought I was unreliable.
Before working full time wasn’t possible.
Before being a burden on those around me.

I know I try and laugh and joke and use humour as a distraction tool.  If I’m making you laugh with me, then you won’t notice the pills I’m swallowing or the furniture I’m clinging onto to walk around.  You won’t notice the pain dulling my eyes or the strappings and supports that are holding me together.  If I make my crutches colourful and exciting they’re an accessory not a burden.

And some of you gorgeous, lovely people have constantly told me to be honest.  To trust that you won’t run away and you’ll stick with me no matter how bad.  But I don’t want that.  I want before still.  I want to be the person I used to be.  I am grieving for before.