October 4, 2017

A double-edged sword

Posted in Health stuff, October, Weight Watchers tagged , , , at 11:50 am by viewfromthisdesk

I’ve shared recently about my eating issues – it’s been a really tricky six and a bit weeks if I’m honest.

I have gotten over the permanent nausea feeling, this just comes and goes now and is triggered by new smells usually.  There’s no consistency to what triggers the nausea though so I can’t avoid it.  And I’ve not been ill physically, I just feel rotten but eventually it passes.

But I still don’t want to eat.  I have no desire to eat, I have no urge to apply to face.  It’s really odd.  I’m eating because I know I have to.  There’s no taste, there’s no pleasure, it’s just a requirement of life and I hate it.  I really despise the fact I’m forcing the situation.  I don’t think this is linked to my ME or my fibro either.  The insomnia is but this weird not eating thing is different.

I love food.  I love the companionship of a meal with friends.  I hate the cutlery struggles and the efforts of sitting still but eating has always been a great positive.

And the double edged sword?  Weight loss.

I’ve lost half a stone in the six and a bit weeks.  No one has noticed and that’s pants because half a stone is a decent chunk.  I’m wearing jeans that I haven’t worn for five years and I’m sure I look different.  I’ve tried to tell myself that people don’t see the gradual change but even people I’ve not seen for ages haven’t noticed.  It hurts because I want that positive reassurance about my life.  No, I *need* that positive reassurance.  I know asking girls about their weight is a bit taboo but this girl wants to know.  This girl wants to understand they’re not insignificant, that they haven’t faded into the wallpaper, that they are noticed.

I’m unsure as to how to view this current situation.  I’m struggling to be positive because it’s not fun.  And I’m having this dilemma in my head that if I think ‘I could aim for this target weight by this date’ that I’m encouraging the not eating.  I’m sure this is just my over thinking things and being particularly sensitive right now but I promise you all, I want to eat, I want to be that greedy lass you all know and love.  I don’t like not eating because I feel sick or don’t feel hungry.  It’s not me.

It’s a tricky situation because I don’t know how to manage it.  I want people to notice the weight loss and make some comment.  I want someone to slap my bum as I walk past in these gorgeous levi jeans and say ‘looking good’ or wolf whistle at me.  Sexist and derogatory as that it, I just want noticing.  But I don’t want you to notice I’m not eating.  I don’t want you to ask what I managed to force down today.  I don’t want any comments about how half a sandwich isn’t enough or I leave half my meal because I’m super full.

So notice me but don’t notice the details. What could possibly go wrong with that request?!

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