December 31, 2017

Another year over

Posted in December tagged , at 3:13 pm by viewfromthisdesk

Today seems a good day to write. Today seems a good day to be positive.

I dislike this time of year for a great many reasons. This year was no different, these last ten days have been difficult for a variety of things and events and causes. I have struggled to get out of bed, get dressed and face the world. And yet every single day I have managed it. I may have not been happy and there have been a lot of tears but I survived.

On this eve of another year, we all reflect on what has happened, what we wish had happened, what we would have done differently if we had our time again. I’m no different. I have experienced so much good this year, it’s cheesy but I have been truely blessed by the friends I have around me. They got me through these three hundred odd days, they reminded me that being honest is okay, they’ll put up with my manatee pyjamas and not bat an eyelid.

Looking forward I need to focus on me. It’s utterly selfish but it’s something I’ve become aware of. I don’t think of me often, I focus on those around me. Hubby commented the other day that I need to be more honest. He says it’s not right I wear myself out putting a strong and brave face on for others and then come home and collapse. He says it’s not fair that everyone else gets the best of me but he gets the exhausted and grumpy me. I tried to discuss this with him, tried to say if we did more things together that he’d get a good me sometimes too. It didn’t work. Hey ho.

Next year is the year of me. I have to be happy for me. I have to be well for me. I want to be invited to stuff, I’ve proved to myself in this year that I can do stuff on my own. I have friends who will lend an arm, find a chair, laugh with me. I do not need to be a hermit.

Next year will be my year of focus and change. It has to be. I cannot continue to live my life in the same way as I have been. I need to reclaim my life.

And so my first selfish act of 2018 is that on Friday 5th January at about half eleven ish I’m having my scar tissue operation. It’s scary, yes. It’s stupidly expensive and will only be the start of fixing the outside of me but it’s happening. My other selfish targets are that I aim to have one theatre experience a month, I’d also like one music or cinema experience a month. I’d like tea and cake with friends even if we are in our pyjamas.

My other big thing I want to do is have a ‘crafternoon’ in order to raise money for MIND. They are a mental health charity and whilst I’ve never used their services, I’ve made no secret of how crafting helps my mental state. So I want to have this event at some point in January or February. Even if I only raise a fiver for them, it will be another thing I do so I’m not sat at home on my own. It will only be a couple of hours effort and I plan on having gallons of tea and piles of cake and have a glue gun and glitter and stuff for the crafting element. I know what I want the crafting to be, I just need a date and people.

Kick me if I don’t mention it again. Remind me I said I’d do this, hold me accountable.

Wherever you are tonight, whoever you are with, be safe and happy. Thank you for getting me through another year. Thank you for your support, comments, brutal chats. Thank you for your surprise notes and gifts, you will never know what a difference they made to my sate of mind.

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