December 31, 2017

Another year over

Posted in December tagged , at 3:13 pm by viewfromthisdesk

Today seems a good day to write. Today seems a good day to be positive.

I dislike this time of year for a great many reasons. This year was no different, these last ten days have been difficult for a variety of things and events and causes. I have struggled to get out of bed, get dressed and face the world. And yet every single day I have managed it. I may have not been happy and there have been a lot of tears but I survived.

On this eve of another year, we all reflect on what has happened, what we wish had happened, what we would have done differently if we had our time again. I’m no different. I have experienced so much good this year, it’s cheesy but I have been truely blessed by the friends I have around me. They got me through these three hundred odd days, they reminded me that being honest is okay, they’ll put up with my manatee pyjamas and not bat an eyelid.

Looking forward I need to focus on me. It’s utterly selfish but it’s something I’ve become aware of. I don’t think of me often, I focus on those around me. Hubby commented the other day that I need to be more honest. He says it’s not right I wear myself out putting a strong and brave face on for others and then come home and collapse. He says it’s not fair that everyone else gets the best of me but he gets the exhausted and grumpy me. I tried to discuss this with him, tried to say if we did more things together that he’d get a good me sometimes too. It didn’t work. Hey ho.

Next year is the year of me. I have to be happy for me. I have to be well for me. I want to be invited to stuff, I’ve proved to myself in this year that I can do stuff on my own. I have friends who will lend an arm, find a chair, laugh with me. I do not need to be a hermit.

Next year will be my year of focus and change. It has to be. I cannot continue to live my life in the same way as I have been. I need to reclaim my life.

And so my first selfish act of 2018 is that on Friday 5th January at about half eleven ish I’m having my scar tissue operation. It’s scary, yes. It’s stupidly expensive and will only be the start of fixing the outside of me but it’s happening. My other selfish targets are that I aim to have one theatre experience a month, I’d also like one music or cinema experience a month. I’d like tea and cake with friends even if we are in our pyjamas.

My other big thing I want to do is have a ‘crafternoon’ in order to raise money for MIND. They are a mental health charity and whilst I’ve never used their services, I’ve made no secret of how crafting helps my mental state. So I want to have this event at some point in January or February. Even if I only raise a fiver for them, it will be another thing I do so I’m not sat at home on my own. It will only be a couple of hours effort and I plan on having gallons of tea and piles of cake and have a glue gun and glitter and stuff for the crafting element. I know what I want the crafting to be, I just need a date and people.

Kick me if I don’t mention it again. Remind me I said I’d do this, hold me accountable.

Wherever you are tonight, whoever you are with, be safe and happy. Thank you for getting me through another year. Thank you for your support, comments, brutal chats. Thank you for your surprise notes and gifts, you will never know what a difference they made to my sate of mind.


December 28, 2014

So many numbers

Posted in December tagged , , , , , at 11:57 am by viewfromthisdesk

This is apparently my 75th post and it’s 4 years since I started writing this blog.  I know I’m erratic in my postings and emotions but isn’t that just life anyway?

2014 has been tough on a personal level. I’ve struggled with my illness and been frustrated with my abilities on what feels like a constant basis.  I have gotten to a point in my bat consultant role that I’m gaining clients by myself and booking jobs up ‘in the future’ (ie next week) but then I find myself exhausted and stressing out from the pressure I put myself under.  Stupid I know.

Physically, I’m getting used to the pains and aches and mouth alcers and blinding cluster headaches.  I don’t like them and I don’t like taking the pills to fix them but I know it’s the only solution.

Most of all this year, my emotional roller coaster has driven me up the wall.  Mood swings, short temper and crying for no reason is not something I’ve dealt with since I was a teenager with PMT.  I can’t seem to put a lid on it or get it under control.

So 2015 needs to be a year of patience both by me and with me.  I need to remember how far I’ve come and how much I’ve grown as a person these last few years.  I need to keep looking at my gratitude jar and thinking about the good stuff and the good people in my life.  2015 will be my third jar and I’m hoping it will be as crammed as the other two years.

December 4, 2013

I am asking for help.

Posted in December tagged , , at 12:47 pm by viewfromthisdesk

Yep. Shocker isn’t it.  I am actually asking for help.

I want to celebrate getting through 2013.  My jar is one thing and I’m going to carry that on I’m sure (oh – if you want notes in the jar for events this year, send them to hubby, he’s very good and squirrelling them away) but I want something visual, something impactive.

You know I loved crafting and I had to give it up.  Blooming joints just won’t work.  Anyway, I’ve found this.  My sister says she’ll help me tie the knots:


I have *some* ribbon from before, so this is my please for help ….. Do you have oddments of ribbon or even narrow lace?  I’m not after rolls, that’s greedy, just snippets.  I have bits I’ve cut off underwear, those annoying hanging loops in tops, random ribbon that has just appeared.  If you have some you can spare, please send it over and help me commemorate another year of living.

December 19, 2012

Looking forward

Posted in December tagged , , , , at 3:11 pm by viewfromthisdesk

It’s rather scary to think that in two weeks time it is a whole brand sparkly new year.  Wowzers. 

This year has been so challenging, so blooming difficult.  I have lied and cried and struggled and managed and somehow I have gotten through it.  I am too quick to answer ‘I’m fine’ when asked how I am.  Fine is a word that really should be banned.  It is my word of lying choice.  I’d rather say that I’m fine than admitting the truth.  If I’m with you, you’re special.  I’ve made the effort to spend time with you, I’m using my spoons on you. 

I’ve spent 2012 bouncing from specialist to specialist and 2013 is starting no differently but this time, the big difference is the current consultant really seems to get me!  Yesterday when I saw him he didn’t bat an eyelid when I explained my hands were like plasticine; there but not solid.  He TOTALLY understood.  Didn’t tell me I was mental when I explained I saw black spots and (usually) yellow squiggles on stuff, just told me that Van Gogh had that too.  He is fabulous and whilst I have to get to Birmingham to see him, I don’t care.  Hubby likes him too, likes the tangents the treatment is going off on, he is glad this man hasn’t ruled me out after 10 minutes.  There’s no disputing I have ME, that’s not in question, it’s all the other rubbish that is going on too.

So I’m looking towards 2013 with a slightly restored faith in the NHS.  That might all change with my next appointment with someone, but when I’m at the humongous hospital in Birmingham that I’m sure you could see from space, I have faith which is a big change from before.

In order to aid my positivity, I’m going to have a ‘gratitude jar’ – I’ve made it already but not taken a picture but this is to help you understand what I’m wittering about

gratitude jar

I know it’s a bit airy-fairy, but I like it.  I’m also going to put in notes if I have a good day as I seem to forget about those too quickly.  Hubby has been primed to put in a note if I make an effort with my appearance and he’d like to pay me a compliment and I’m hoping that friends and family will participate too.  I need to remember the good stuff as I just get weighed down with the negativity.  Too easy to remember the aches and joint fails and days lost in bed.  Need to remember the days out, the dressing up, the fun times. 

Feel free to join in, my jar is patiently waiting x

December 4, 2012

What’s with the traffic this morning?

Posted in December, Health stuff tagged , , , , , , at 9:17 am by viewfromthisdesk

It took me thirteen minutes to drive across town, that’s daft!  I know that I *should* have walked, what with it being a gorgeous morning but that’s the thing with M.E. whilst I may feel that walking is a good idea, my body would rebel and I’d be flat out asleep for a few days.  Pah.

So, quick update for you: it’s been a year since I started WW, and I’ve managed to maintain my finishing weight which I’m really pleased about.  I’d kinda like to lose another half stone by the beginning of February but I’m not off to the best start because the shops are full of mince pies and cheese selection boxes <drool> so I will see how things go.  I would say watch this space, but I’ve not been the best blogger, have I?  Sorry.

Update on the medical stuff: M.E. is still pants.  Hate it.  My fibro is still making me want to scream and cry on a daily, no, hourly basis.  My lovely GP tweeked my pain meds last week and warned me that one of the side effects, whilst I got used to it, could be insomnia.  Oh how I laughed.  Hysterically one might say.  Insomnia with M.E.?  Pull the other one.  Well, he was right and that’s really, really rubbish.  Not that the fellow was right but that I had insomnia for about a week.  Oh what a lovely, not at all grumpy person I was.  He’s also (following my request) going to see if the dietary team will see me.  There’s lots of research into diet and intolerances and M.E. and I’d like to see if there’s anything I could do or try to see if I could increase my energy or be in less pain, that would be lovely.  Fingers crossed they’ll take me on.  I’m also seeing a new specialist in Birmingham who is looking into lots of mysterious things to maybe explain why I have so much numbness and lack of feeling as this isn’t a usual thing with M.E.  Got to go back to the gynae team which I’d like to say is pants, but that’s a really poor joke.  Thought I’d finished with them seven years ago but it seems, it isn’t to be.  Cheap thrills on the cards for me then, middle aged men having a rummage, hoorah.

Changing the subject (very) quickly, am going back to Lundy for Christmas. Can’t wait.  Sunshine, fresh air, good company and a change to relax and recharge.  Bliss.  But I haven’t got an advent calendar to count down this year, so no chance of chocolate for breakfast.  

Hmmm ….. wonder if the pound shop has still got some?

December 20, 2011

Sorry, I’ve been sleeping zzzzz

Posted in December tagged , , , at 3:33 pm by viewfromthisdesk

I know I haven’t blogged for a while, I’ve been really tired. The cfs has kicked in big time which isn’t fun. I’m just so very tired all the time and I’m on antibiotics for an infection, so I’m grumpy and blooming miserable.

Third weigh-in on Monday lunchtime. I lost 2 ½ pounds which brings my total to 8 ½ now. I know I should be pleased, but for some reason, I feel quite disappointed that I didn’t manage another three pounds to get three in a row. But Monday I achieved my half stone and also my 5% goal was reached.

So looking forwards I have no ww meetings until Monday 9th which I’m struggling with. I need the continual motivation which the regular meetings gives me and I’ve already fallen off the wagon as it were, I had pate on proper bread-toast this morning which is about my daily allowance of points in one mouthfull!

Today is my last day at work for two weeks *hoorah*, so I don’t know when I’ll be able to blog again. I plan on sleeping quite a lot and hopefully recouping some much needed spoons. I’ve definitely been trading against the future, which is never sensible. So to one and all, Happy Christmas and may 2012 bring you everything you wish for.

December 13, 2011

Getting one’s hopes up.

Posted in December, Health stuff tagged , , , at 6:04 pm by viewfromthisdesk

I made it quite obvious that I was hoping this Consultant this afternoon was going to change my life.  Yeah, that was a foolish assumption.  Hubby came with me to the appointment, as he does with all of the specialists and even he’s left thinking ‘what the heck was that for?’

The guy agrees I have cfs.  Not an issue.  He also says it can’t be cured or prevented, which we already knew.  Says I need to learn what my triggers to falling asleep almost instantly are and work around them.  Says I need to work less hours, sleep more and do some exersize.

So.  Taking them in no particular order, how does he propose I exersize with the fibro?  Name me a non-impact form of exersize that is free.  How the heck to do I anything MORE than what I’m doing now, without hurting myself?  And sleep more – seriously?  I’m in bed by 9pm most nights, not the midnight I used to be able to do.  I can’t get up in the mornings, I’m falling asleep at mydesk around 3pm. When am I supposed to fit in any more sleep and actually live a life worth living?

And work less.  For heaven’s sake, I’m not working 37.5 hours as it is, I haven’t for ages!  When I pointed this out, he just said I’d have to cut down even more.  When I said I couldn’t afford the second drop in income he turned around and said ‘why should chronic fatigue be any different to cancer? If you had cancer, you’d stop working in an instant if it meant you had a better quality of life.’  What I would have liked to have said to him was that if I had cancer, I’d be signed off as unable to work and would be able to claim some sort of benefits to enable my income to remain vaguely steady.  I’d also get free prescriptions and some help with living my life to the full within the constraints of the awful illness that I was experiencing.   But I have cfs and fibro.  None of the above apply.  The system doesn’t work.  I have no help, financially, emotionally, physically. 

He says I’m going to be referred to the OT team who will teach me to pace and prioritise my day.  What a waste of time.  I had all that last year with my OT.  Who accepted I don’t have a normal, nice nine to five that has regular things happening at set times.  Pacing doesn’t always work properly on my desk.

Hacked off doesn’t even come close to how I feel right now.  Hubby says we’ll work it out somehow but I honestly don’t know how we’re going to do that right now.  Any ideas peeps?  I’m all out.

A little bit of everything

Posted in December, Health stuff, Weight Watchers tagged , , , , at 10:02 am by viewfromthisdesk

Well, weigh-in number two yesterday.  It’s no secret that I was hoping I’d lost four pounds to make my half stone in two weigh-ins but it wasn’t to be.  Another three instead which I KNOW isn’t a bad thing atall and slow and steady weight loss is the best way to do it and blah blah blah, but I was really hoping.  And with everything that had happened with Felix and all that potential for emotional eating, I’d worked damn hard. 

So.  Two weeks in and six pounds gone.  My target for next week is another three off, that way I’ll have lost my half stone, hit my 5% target and had a three in a row.  Then it’s a two week break for Christmas and that’s going to be difficult for me to stay motivated and on track.  I like the regularity, the routine right now.  Yesterday’s meeting was ‘What would you like for Christmas’ and it was a case of did you want to lose, maintain or gain?  Absolutely everyone (it seemed) was happy – over two weeks – to maintain their weight that they find themselves at next week.  Whereas me, little old me, I want to lose at least four more pounds over the two week break.

Don’t get me wrong, food will most definately be applied to my face over the festive season.  I am very much looking forward to my Christmas dinner which I chose and ordered before the very thought of ww crossed my mind.  But, I’m not willing to scupper all I’ve worked so blooming hard for, just for a box of chocolates or an extra roast potato. 

Quite simply, if I can’t get through Christmas, what chance do I have once my twelve weeks is over? 

Onto totally different matters now, I’m off to see the CFS consultant this afternoon.  My GP thinks this guy is going to change my life.  I really, really hope so.  This consultant has an OT team at his command too, so hopefully I’ll have a new person to help me with the everyday stuff.  Wrote the last of the Christmas cards last night and coupled with typing this, means my hands and back and shoulders are KILLING me today.  Bring on the extra help I say!

December 10, 2011

The ups, must be followed by downs.

Posted in December tagged , , , at 10:35 am by viewfromthisdesk

It’s been a stupidly stressful week, hence the lack of postings.  Wednesday I hit an emotional wall and I instantly wanted to comfort eat.  Home alone, emotional with a cupboard full of crisps is really, really not a good place to be.  But, somehow I kept busy and avoided the lure of crisps.  I honestly do not know how I did it.  Emotional eating has always been a big thing for me, I don’t know why and I have no urge to get all psycho-analytical on you but I was in a rather a dark place and my one way of coping with it was not an acceptable choice.  I just hope that Monday backs up what I did.

Thursday was crazy emotional too, but a positive emotional day.  Something really great happened, that I was a part of and I was on cloud nine that evening, it was a fabulous afternoon.  Once more, I managed to keep emotion and food separate.  I baked a cake, but it was a ww cake and only 3 points a slice which I was able to work into my daily plan, so how can that be anything less than brilliant?!

Friday.  Yesterday.  Oh how awful that day started and ended.  Got up as usual and went to let my chickens out.  They’ve been a great boost to my life.  When things are bad and all I want to do is hide in my duvet and not leave the bed for the day, I have a reason to get up.  They have to be let out of their coop, they need checking and feeding and all that.  Just like any other pet I know, but at the end of the garden, so I have to make an effort!  Anyhow, one of my chickens, Felix, hasn’t been on top form recently, she’s lost some weight and hasn’t wanted to be as boisterous as the other chickens.  She was still eating and drinking and being a typical chicken, but yesterday morning there was something very not right.  So, I put her in a private, quiet coop with some food and water and hoped for the best.  Sadly, when I got home from work, as early as I could get home, she’d died.  Which quite frankly is pants.

So last night I decided that I wasn’t going to think about points. I cooked tea and I had a slice of the cake and just didn’t stress about adding up and calculating stuff.  I wanted a night off.  And I don’t regret it one bit.  I was upset, last night I had more important things, quite frankly, to worry about than the blooming points value of this and that.

And now, Saturday dawns.  And I’ve got to get back on track and get motivated again but today is very much a wanting to crawl back into the duvet day.

December 6, 2011

The day after the errm, day before!

Posted in December, Weight Watchers tagged , , , at 1:33 pm by viewfromthisdesk

So yesterday was the first weigh in.  I know I made out I was dreading it, but I’d worked so hard that I knew I’d lost weight, there was no reason for it to be a same or gain.  It was difficult, waiting in the queue behind the other people.  You try and keep a distance to be respectful but you can’t help but earwig, trying to hear what they had.  Before me was a half, a four and then a four and a half.  It was a tough act to follow.  But, this pro-points scheme apparently is designed for a loss between a half and two pounds a week, so what with the first week novelty thrown in for good measure, three pounds is blooming good.  And I’m finally accepting that.

I have a target (for myself I must stress, not set by anyone else) of five more pounds over the next two weeks.  So please send me love and wishes and prayers and thoughts that I can find the strength and enthusiasm to stick with this.  I know that is a really selfish request but if I don’t ask, I don’t get.

Jumped on the ww produce bandwagon yesterday, but it was bargainous from Poundland, which I feel made it worthwhile.  I’m not paying supermarket prices, I refuse.  So today I tried Onion and Herb Oat & Wheat Crackers and no word of a lie, they are blooming DELICIOUS.  I think I’ll continue to have these in my cupboard even after my 12 weeks are up!

Off to a concert tonight, not sure how I’ll be tomorrow.  Possibly stupidly tired and sore.  I could do with having a snooze this afternoon so the CFS doesn’t jump up and bite me later or tomorrow.  Hmmm ……… best have a word with the boss ………

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