October 4, 2017

A double-edged sword

Posted in Health stuff, October, Weight Watchers tagged , , , at 11:50 am by viewfromthisdesk

I’ve shared recently about my eating issues – it’s been a really tricky six and a bit weeks if I’m honest.

I have gotten over the permanent nausea feeling, this just comes and goes now and is triggered by new smells usually.  There’s no consistency to what triggers the nausea though so I can’t avoid it.  And I’ve not been ill physically, I just feel rotten but eventually it passes.

But I still don’t want to eat.  I have no desire to eat, I have no urge to apply to face.  It’s really odd.  I’m eating because I know I have to.  There’s no taste, there’s no pleasure, it’s just a requirement of life and I hate it.  I really despise the fact I’m forcing the situation.  I don’t think this is linked to my ME or my fibro either.  The insomnia is but this weird not eating thing is different.

I love food.  I love the companionship of a meal with friends.  I hate the cutlery struggles and the efforts of sitting still but eating has always been a great positive.

And the double edged sword?  Weight loss.

I’ve lost half a stone in the six and a bit weeks.  No one has noticed and that’s pants because half a stone is a decent chunk.  I’m wearing jeans that I haven’t worn for five years and I’m sure I look different.  I’ve tried to tell myself that people don’t see the gradual change but even people I’ve not seen for ages haven’t noticed.  It hurts because I want that positive reassurance about my life.  No, I *need* that positive reassurance.  I know asking girls about their weight is a bit taboo but this girl wants to know.  This girl wants to understand they’re not insignificant, that they haven’t faded into the wallpaper, that they are noticed.

I’m unsure as to how to view this current situation.  I’m struggling to be positive because it’s not fun.  And I’m having this dilemma in my head that if I think ‘I could aim for this target weight by this date’ that I’m encouraging the not eating.  I’m sure this is just my over thinking things and being particularly sensitive right now but I promise you all, I want to eat, I want to be that greedy lass you all know and love.  I don’t like not eating because I feel sick or don’t feel hungry.  It’s not me.

It’s a tricky situation because I don’t know how to manage it.  I want people to notice the weight loss and make some comment.  I want someone to slap my bum as I walk past in these gorgeous levi jeans and say ‘looking good’ or wolf whistle at me.  Sexist and derogatory as that it, I just want noticing.  But I don’t want you to notice I’m not eating.  I don’t want you to ask what I managed to force down today.  I don’t want any comments about how half a sandwich isn’t enough or I leave half my meal because I’m super full.

So notice me but don’t notice the details. What could possibly go wrong with that request?!

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June 2, 2017

Eating the Rainbow

Posted in June, Weight Watchers tagged , , , , at 12:32 pm by viewfromthisdesk

I’ve often written about my food demons, it’s not a new thing I’m springing onto the world this morning. I really struggle with my weight, it’s never under control, I’m never happy with the numbers on the scales or the way I look or feel.  Even when I finished the ww vouchers and had lost all that weight, I didn’t see the change, I didn’t feel any different and without that routine and structure and pressure to succeed, it’s all gone south.  I’m not as heavy as I was on my wedding day, that’s always been a big number to avoid for me and I’m managing that at least, but it’s still not enough.

I hate the fact that weight can go on in one meal but it then takes two weeks for it to come off.  I have zero patience in life let alone something as huge as body image and weight numbers.

So the other day I was watching something called ‘Doctor in the House’ on BBC.  I stumbled upon this the other week when there was a show about cluster headaches and the most recent one mentioned something called rainbow eating.  It’s all linked to better, healthier eating and getting a better balance of vitamins and stuff into your body.

Chatting to hubby about it, we are very much easy beige eaters.  We need to be better about what is on a plate.  It’s difficult because he only likes peas and doesn’t contemplate salad or fruit.  When I’m cooking – a task I hate – I don’t want to prolong the trauma by cooking stuff for him and other stuff for me, it’s just too much.  So we fall into a trap of not enough veg or fruit in a week, let alone a day.

Rainbow eating is as it sounds, you have to try and within one day eat all the colours – red (and pink), orange, yellow, green, blue (and purple), white and tan.

So this weekend I’m trying rainbow eating in a massive way.  Three days of really making an effort FOR ME.  I have to try something crazy and new to reboot my relationship and attitude to food.  I wish I could afford either a food delivery or a chef thing but it’s not an option.  I’d like to know how to cook new stuff but I don’t have the confidence to try and I find it pointless and unfulfilling when it’s just for me. So, my attitude is – how hard can just three days be?

So this morning I headed off to the supermarket and ended up with a trolley full of fruit and veg which was a new concept to me.  Aside from a tub of natural yogurt and a tin of salmon, this trolley could have been for a vegan I’m sure.

Day One, Meal One.

Red/Pink – strawberries, raspberries and cranberries.
Orange – mandarin oranges.
Yellow -grapefruit.
Green – grapes.
Blue/Purple – blueberries.
White – natural yoghurt. (added after picture)
Tan – raw cashew nuts.

It was tasty but yes, I ate it with a cake fork. I wanted to take my time and consider what I was pushing into my face.  I felt if I used a spoon, I’d just mindlessly shovel.

So between this meal and my next, I have an aim to drink two pints of water and keep busy.  When I’m not occupied I eat and that’s not good.  I need to be distracted but also mindful for three days so that maybe habits are changed.  And then after the two pints I guess I need to start washing and chopping stuff for meal two.

May 15, 2015

May 16th, one year on

Posted in Health stuff, Weight Watchers tagged , , , , , , , at 11:02 am by viewfromthisdesk

This time last year I was fretting somewhat about walking 5km.  It turned out alright in the end – aside from the outfit I chose to wear which is now buried in a cupboard somewhere I’m sure.  I can forget about the outfit when I remember how much money I raised with your generous help.

I decided not to do the walk this year; not because I’m a heartless individual who doesn’t care but because I just couldn’t be bothered to get off my bum and actually *do* something:  I’m lazy.

Rather than asking you for money for May 16th, I’ve been asking for stamps, for ribbons, for spoons.  It’s hardly comparable to exercise but honestly, it’s how my life is right now.

I’ve not jumped on the scales recently but I know I’ve put on loads of weight.  My last number display put me at the same weight as my wedding day which I’ve always considered to be my heaviest.  I know the numbers are bigger now.  But I’m totally unfazed by it, which isn’t great.

I know I’m more than curvy again now, but I simply don’t care.  I honestly don’t care.  I’m happy with what I’ve got.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not shovelling bags of crisps into my face (I can’t remember the last packet actually) and I’m not scoffing takeaways 24/7, I’m actually eating reasonably but I’m just not active.  That’s the big issue.

I ache all over, I’m constantly attached to a heat pad or TENS machine.  I’m tired and I simply can’t be bothered.  Am I using my M.E. as an excuse?  No, I don’t think so.  I’m not going to walk 5km and cause myself to sleep for a fortnight and have to see a physio again.  I need to find something that fits around day work and night surveys and doesn’t hurt or exhaust me.

April 23, 2014

World Book Day

Posted in April, Weight Watchers tagged , , , , at 12:36 pm by viewfromthisdesk

Happy World Book Day!

I love reading, so it’s great there is a day to celebrate the written word.  And apparently, today would have been Shakespeare’s 450th birthday, so Happy Birthday Mr Bard!  I’m going to an event tonight at my library with a ‘thing’ by a local author.  Should be different and fun.

Today is also my week seven.  My end of my lent.  I am pleased to announce (not) that according to the scales this morning, I am heavier than I was at the start of lent!  I mean, what the heck?!!?  I have no clue, no answer and quite frankly, I don’t care anymore.  Honestly, I’m beyond giving a stuff. 

I am curvy.  I am greedy.  I have no self control or ability to not apply-to-face.  I am happy with myself, my clothes fit me.  Maybe I should try harder to stick to the fresh air and lettuce diet, maybe throw in nightly laxatives for a giggle. 

I’m not sad about this number.  It is just a number afterall.  I’m surprised as I have been trying to not be greedy, I have been rather restrained actually.

Numbers.  Pah.  I’m going back to my book and box of creme eggs.

March 19, 2014

week two over

Posted in March, Weight Watchers tagged , , , at 2:05 pm by viewfromthisdesk

I have to say this was the most foolish idea I’ve had for a while.  Giving up anything vaguely nice for lent.  Bleugh.

Anyway, according to the scales I’ve lost three pounds this week, so that’s a grand total of four so far.  Yey.  Makes me wonder how far I was off two pounds last Wednesday really.

I’m not sure how much I can attribute to my new diet of fresh air and mindfulness.  Or how much is down to a flu bug thing that my husband so very generously shared with me which meant I did – and ate – very little on Sunday and Monday.  Once my head is free of gank, I’m sure I’ll be another stone lighter too.

Until next Wednesday …

July 3, 2013

Quite frankly, it all sucks

Posted in Gluten Free, June, Weight Watchers tagged , , , , , , at 2:50 pm by viewfromthisdesk

Rant warning:

 

Being GF is rubbish.  The food is boring (apart from the sausages, but a girl can’t live on sausages alone) the bread products are expensive, small and hard and I can’t have kitkats.

About the same time as I went GF, I had to change one of my meds.  One of my major players in the pain management game.

Since this magical time, I have gained in excess of 20 pounds.  Yep, in practical terms, a stone and a half.  Almost, all the weight I lost doing WW.  But the stupid thing is – the scales tell me this, my clothes don’t.

And no one has to my face either.

So.  Do the scales lie by admission or do my friends and family lie by omission?

 

Either way, I’m clearly not doing well.  I really, honestly don’t get it though. I’m not eating anything rubbish – as I can’t.  The only factor I can think is that I’m eating more carbs – pasta, rice and spuds, especially of an evening.  Do I attempt to go Atkins on GF?  I’ve got to do something serious to bring these numbers under control.  I feel like the blog is starting all over again being as I’ve undone everything that this blog has covered.  The other option is change meds again.  And I can’t face that.  The changeover this time was horrific.

 

So, I’m reaching out for help.  Please.

April 30, 2012

Gold

Posted in April, Weight Watchers tagged , , , , at 4:18 pm by viewfromthisdesk

I finished ww with my loss totalling 23lbs which wasn’t too shoddy.  My ww leader said I should apply for a ‘special goal weight’ from my doctor because essentially, I’d never get to an accepted BMI number without chopping of limbs etc.  Anyway, long girly rambling story short, my doctor signed a form which said he was very happy with what I’d done and he wasn’t going to insist on my attempting to reach a BMI of 25.  Yey.  He even put on the form that my goal weight could be the weight I finished ww at.  Even more yey.

So now, I’m what’s known as a Gold member.  I get absolutely nothing for it, just a different coloured form to write the numbers of doom on it and I get to attend meetings for free as long as I stay within 5lbs of my goal weight.

Being as I hadn’t been for a month (and within that month had been away for two weeks, had Easter, returned to work and consumed a tin of chocolates and biscuits from Christmas) I figured I should get my act together and see how bad things had been.  Weirdly, last week said I’d maintained my weight which was flipping amazing as I know how much I’ve shovelled into my face.  I’ve found attempting to ‘maintain’ harder than I thought.  I can be good for breakfast and lunch and then come tea time I’m like a locust out of the bible plague, nothing is safe. 

Since last Monday, I’ve been even worse, it’s scary how little I’ve learnt and how un-responsible I am towards food.  So I figured I’d have to face up to the numbers again so I went again today.  The scales said I’d lost a pound.  I want to go yey and dance around the room but instead I’m rather dazed and confused.  How on earth have I lost a pound?

 

(PS I have also caught up with the technological world and am the owner of a smart phone, so any ‘app’ recommendations are fab!  Weight or health related or not, I don’t mind!)

April 11, 2012

ipod’s don’t swim in lemonade

Posted in April, Weight Watchers tagged , , , , , , , at 2:35 pm by viewfromthisdesk

A much known fact it would seem. Known by everyone except me!  Yep, I’ve killed my ipod and it wasn’t even my fault – a bottle leaked in my bag. I don’t know how much got into the inner workings, I’m hoping only enough to mash the battery and so a new one should solve the problem – once hubby has watched enough youtube videos to work out how to take it apart and change it and put it back together. Fingers crossed.  In the meantime, if you have an unloved ipod classic that would like a new home, you know where I am 🙂

I’m avoiding the point really.  I know I haven’t posted for ages and for that I’m sorry.  Especially if you were wondering or were worried.  I felt like I had nothing much to say to be honest.  I’ve had some more medical appointments with various people/sectors and I’m coming away from them rather disappointed and disheartened.  Nothing I – or any of you – can do, so why moan about it?  Have also not been great physically with regards pain levels and general joint failures and again, why moan about it when it’s a usual situation?  Life goes on as someone somewhere said once.

Aside from my average miserable-ness, I finished my twelve WW vouchers on Monday 19th March with a weight loss total of 23lbs.  Whilst I am certainly going to continue what I’ve learnt with regards portion sizes and content, I don’t know that I can honestly live a life of permanent abstinence.  I miss so much stuff and not just ‘junk’ either.  Cheese I appreciate isn’t fabulous for me, but the calcium in it is.  And I’m not going to eat half a pound of it in one go.  I miss nuts and seeds and fruit juices too which are all fairly ww-points-weighty.  I want to eat sandwiches and toast on occasion without then living off some watery vegetable soup for the rest of the day.  It’s going to be a time of adjustment I suppose, getting used to food and everything again.  This weekend though I have an evening out planned which involves some proper dressing up.  I have borrowed a dress which looks AMAZING currently and I want to do it proud.  I want to look at the pics next week and think that I didn’t actually look too bad.  So it’s porridge and ryvitas for a little while longer yet.

February 22, 2012

To partake or not to partake? That is the question!

Posted in February, Weight Watchers tagged , , , , at 4:20 pm by viewfromthisdesk

As you’ll be fully aware, yesterday was Shrove Tuesday. The day of lovely, pale yellow, yummy-ness.  In fact, the only day that hubby cooks, so it’s a win-win usually for me.

Except there’s the small matter of weight watchers.  Grrrr.

I was determined not to be defeated, so I found a ww recipe which gave a total of 2 points per pancake.  Horrah!  I did some sums and managed my day and then for tea had pancakes. Yum yum yum.  No sugar this year, just lemon and tonnes of fruit but oh my days it was lushious. Enjoy!

February 20, 2012

Weigh in number nine.

Posted in February, Weight Watchers tagged , at 3:03 pm by viewfromthisdesk

Weigh in this afternoon went well, if I do say so myself! Have lost another pound and a half so I have lost a grand total of eighteen and a half pounds. Yey.

Three more vouchers to go and I have a dilema. My personal target is only three and a half pounds away, which let’s face it, is really manageable even if I don’t try very hard! The leader has told me my 15% target is six and a half pounds away from today, and I really like the idea of that challenge, to get to that on my last voucher.  Maybe my valentines kitkat needs to be left in the fridge for a few more weeks however.

Anyway, for a bit of a giggle, here is what I was given today (if I can somehow work out how to include a photo!)  For my stone and my 10%.  Enjoy 🙂

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