February 28, 2018

February summary

Posted in February, Monthly update tagged , , , , , , at 1:05 pm by viewfromthisdesk

Continuing the theme of letting you all know what I’ve been up to, here is my February summary:

Theatre was ‘Flashdance’ at Cheltenham Everyman which was great. I also saw a live RSC transmission of ‘Twelfth Night’ which was very funny and an NTLive transmission of ‘Cat on a Hot Tin Roof’which was good but a bit thought provoking and raw for my state of mind at the time.

Cinema was ‘Three Billboards outside Ebbing, Missouri’ which was really good if a bit dark.

Music was a Rammstein tribute band and a band called ‘Satellite Down’

Films I watched were ‘John Wick 2’, ‘Table 19’, ‘Spinal Tap’, ‘The Last Word’ and ‘Seven Pounds’. I wouldn’t necessarily recommend any of them.

I’d set myself the target of reading at least one autobiography in February and in the end, I read two very different ones.  Books I finished were ‘The Husbands Secret’, ‘The Last Anniversary’ and ‘Three Wishes’ all by Lianne Moriarty, ‘My Autobiography’ by Guy Martin, ‘The Day you Saved My Life’ by Louise Candlish, ‘How to be Champion’ by Sarah Millican, ‘Things I’d Wished I’d Known’ by Linda Green, ‘The House on Sunset Lake’ and ‘The Proposal’ both by Tasmina Perry, ‘And Then it Happened’ by Linda Green, ‘The Other Woman’ by Laura Wilson, ‘My Everything’ by Kate Marsh, ‘At the Waters Edge’ by Sara Gruen and ‘Human Remains; by Elizabeth Haynes.  This last book was addictive, I couldn’t put it down even before the twist happened and then you were just waiting to see how it all overlapped and came together.

Health wise, it’s been a curious mixture.  The second lot of injections made my ears go purple and bruised and scabby which I wasn’t overly pleased with but three weeks on that’s all faded and they look okay again now.  I do need more people to notice how flat and tidy my ears look though!  I have another appointment on the 2nd March which I hope will be my last one.  I’ve spent over a months wages on each ear now and I really, really need the spending to stop.

I’ve not had any major headaches all month which I’m super pleased about.  I’m beginning to wonder if my headaches are linked to my mental health and stress levels, it will be interesting to see how the headaches behave over the next few months as bat season starts up again and I get busier.

I succumbed to the coughing-flu lurgy that has been doing the rounds, I don’t think many people escaped that.  It was tough to keep well during that; too much coughing would trigger an asthma attack and not enough coughing just meant I was choking on nothing.  My whole being felt like I’d been in a fight and I ended up with a few days off work just being horizontal and trying not to breathe or move.  My ME obviously wasn’t great during this time but I couldn’t manage anything to any degree.


October 26, 2017

Music makes everything better

Posted in October tagged , , at 1:07 pm by viewfromthisdesk

A couple of weeks ago I went to a concert.  The usual challenges occurred but I had an amazing time.  Music is absolutely a magical and powerful thing.  I heard songs for the first time even though I’ve sung along with them on my ipod for years.  I heard lyrics in a different way, I laughed, I cried, I had my heart broken and left feeling happy and sad in equal measures.  It was just a beautiful few hours.

Since then, my ipod seems to be in tune with my emotional well being.  The songs it shuffles out are so meaningful and deep.  It really has helped me deal with some thoughts and issues that have been flying around my brain recently.  And I’ve gotten goosebumps during songs, I’ve cried as I’ve sung along, I’ve woken up to how I’m feeling about life, the universe and everything.

And then I found this totally by accident but totally at the right time.

I thought about doing this as a once a day thing on social media but then I realised I’d forget to do it one day or something else would happen and equaly it would get boring or lost.  So I’m doing it once, here.

And because this is my blog and I make the rules, I may have tweaked a couple of them.  And I may have more than one answer or used an album instead of a song.  However, my one self imposed rule is that I cannot use an artist twice which was super tough.

Day 1 – a song you like with a colour in the title
– Blackbird by Alter Bridge
Day 2 – a song you like with a number in the title
– Highway 20 Ride by Zac Brown Band
Day 3 – a song that reminds you of summertime
– Goodbye Earl by Dixie Chicks
Day 4 – a song that reminds you of someone you’d rather forget
– War of the Worlds Soundtrack *Note – this isn’t a person I’d rather forget but a period of my life
Day 5 – a song that needs to be played loud
– Enter Sandman by Metallica
Day 6 – a song that makes you want to dance
– My Life Would Suck Without You by Kelly Clarkson
Day 7 – a song to drive to
– Backstreet Symphony by Thunder / the entire Hysteria album by Def Leppard
Day 8 – a song about drugs or alcohol
– Whiskey Lullaby by Brad Paisley and Alison Krauss
Day 9 – a song that makes you happy
– Days Go By – Keith Urban
Day 10 – a song that makes you sad
– You Should Be Here by Cole Swindell
Day 11 – a song you never get tired of
– Abandon by Dare
Day 12 – a song from your pre-teen years
– One and Only by Chesney Hawkes *Note – as cringe as this is, it’s all I sang aged 10 and 11
– Blood on Blood by Bon Jovi *Note – this is my teenage years, not pre-teen.
Day 13 – a song you like from the 70’s
– Romeo and Juliet by Dire Straits *Note – I changed this to the 80’s
Day 14 – a song you’d love to be played at your wedding
– You are My Woman – Danko Jones
Day 15 – a song you like that’s a cover by another band
– Sound of Silence by Disturbed *Note – this was the first question I answered.  It’s beautiful.
Day 16 – a song that’s a classic favourite
– Summer of 69 by Bryan Adams
Day 17 – a song you’d sing as a duet with someone in karaoke
– Dead Ringer for Love by Meat Loaf and Bonnie Tyler *Note – not that I’d ever do karaoke
Day 18 – a song from the year you were born
– I was Made for Lovin’ You by Kiss *Note – thank you Google!
Day 19 – a song that makes you think about life
– Home by Daughtry
Day 20 – a song that has many meanings for you
– In Case You Didn’t Know – Brett Young
Day 21 – a song you like with a person’s name in the title
– Carrie by Europe / Lola Montez by Volbeat
Day 22 – a song that moves you forward
– Affirmation by Savage Garden
Day 23 – a song you think everyone should listen to
– 12 Redneck Days by Jeff Foxworthy *Note – I don’t think I should make anyone listen to anything because we all have different thoughts on music and taste.  I didn’t want to answer this question but this song is funny and is only played in December.
Day 24 – a song by a band you wish was still together
-November Rain by Guns N Roses *Note – I’m rubbish at whether a band is still together or not because in my opinion if it’s not the original line up it’s not the same band, so Bon Jovi without Richie Sambora is not Bon Jovi for example.  And Google says GNR have split up.
Day 25 – a song you like by an artist no longer living
– Hurt by Johnny Cash / Heavy is the Head by ZBB ft Chris Cornell
Day 26 – a song that makes you want to fall in love
– Faithfully – Journey
Day 27 – a song that breaks your heart
– Things my Father Said by Black Stone Cherry
Day 28 – a song by an artist whose voice you love
– Just Might (Make Me Believe) by Sugarland because Jennifer Nettles is amazing.  But everyone needs to hear Sky Hunter sing from StoneWire.
Day 29 – a song you remember from your childhood
– What About Love by Heart
Day 30 – a song that reminds you of yourself
– All Kinds of Kinds by Miranda Lambert / Strong Enough by Cher


Some questions were easier than others.  Some I really struggled with.  And there are artists that I’ve wanted to include but haven’t and feel guilty about that.  But I have 3428 songs on my ipod, it was a tricky task but such fun.  I’d like to know your thought on my list.  Did it make you listen to any new tunes?  What would your answers be?  Email me, introduce me to new artists and songs.  Share the magic.

August 31, 2017

One month on

Posted in August, Health stuff tagged , , , , , at 11:05 am by viewfromthisdesk

It’s been a very strange few weeks.

On the 28th July I posted ‘when the darkness wins’ and I was at this very desk when I wrote it over those few days.  I’m working away again this week but my outlook and attitude are very, very different.

It’s curious how writing that post has been very cathartic.  Admitting all those things and releasing them has been brilliant.  Yes, it was hurtful and emotional but it’s been good for me.  I can’t drag that baggage with me forever.  Whilst I’m never going to be free of those thoughts and memories, they are not dragging me down right now.

Sitting at this desk again is odd.  I remember how hard that week was, typing the words, remembering the things I wrote, revisiting stuff in my head I didn’t want to go back to.  Sitting here this week I feel like a different person but it’s probably that nausea thing I had.

The ‘nausea thing’ as it’s been titled really did knock me for six.  I had probably ten days of it in all.  Last night was the first night I ate what could be considered a normal plate of food.  It took ages though and my taste buds still haven’t come back but at least I’m eating.  I lost four pounds in a week – not that anyone has noticed – and they’re still off.  I checked this morning.

My weight is a constant battle.  Being sedentary and unable to do much by way of exercise is a huge factor to this.  My joints and energy levels are just not like other people’s.  I can be exhausted just walking up the stairs and so the idea of doing a couch to 10km thing for example is unthinkable.  This nausea thing, however horrific it was, has helped me realise that if I’m ever going to be a skinny minny then food is the only way to that.

Not eating ‘normally’ these past ten days has been truly horrible.  I can promise you that.  Watching hubby inhale an entire pizza whilst I’m struggling with one scrambled egg was a particular low point.  Making a sandwich last two meals and not wanting it at either of them was also pretty pants.  The questioning from himself ‘what have you eaten today?’ felt invasive and accusatory.  I wasn’t deliberately not eating, that is not me in any shape or form.

I was intrigued as to whether four pounds made any difference if the doctors knew.  Turns out my BMI is still in the obese range but it’s getting closer to overweight.  Two more pounds off and I’d just be overweight, not obese.  Pah.  Life is too short.  I’d find it easier to grow another three inches than lose another two pounds whilst actually eating food.

That four pounds was in a whole week, Sunday to Sunday.  I’ve not lost anything this week (Sunday – Thursday) but I’m going to convince myself that whilst I’m still not eating properly, my body is in shock and won’t lose more weight this week.  Not that eating any form of food is going to make me a heifer again.

And I’ve come to another big decision too and it’s a proper selfish one.  I’m struggling with the guilt of doing something for me but I’m hoping I’ll get over it.

About eighteen months ago I tried to get treatment for some scar issues I’ve got.  But the treatment I had years ago for other scars is not offered anymore on the nhs, there’s no money.  Course I had to wait sixteen weeks for an appointment to be told to get lost but hey ho.  The nhs doctor told me I’d have to go private and at the time I was super upset.  But since then my scars have bothered me more and more and so when I’ve been working here I’ve tried to put some money aside.  So my selfish decision is that I’m going to make an appointment to see a doctor about them next month, going to try and get them sorted.  It’s going to be super expensive and I’m aware I might not be able to afford it right now but I’m hopeful that I’ll make it work somehow without resorting to the fantastic plastic.  If I haven’t got enough saved, it won’t happen, simple as.

Curious how not eating leads to a fresher outlook on things – Don’t fret though, I’ll be back to my usual grumpy, mood-swinging, pain filled self soon enough.  Normal service will be resumed.

August 24, 2017

Things are far from ideal

Posted in August, Health stuff tagged , , , , , at 12:56 pm by viewfromthisdesk

It’s no secret I like food.  You only have to glance at me to know food is high on my list of daily obsessions.  And these curves take some maintaining, it has to be said.

So when I go off food, it’s a glaring red light that I should pay attention to.

Since first thing Sunday, I’ve had a continual feeling of nausea.  I can’t taste anything and I’m just not hungry.  The smell of food is making me more queasy.  And I’m not sleeping.  Yeah, back to that hilarious combination of ME and insomnia.

I don’t know where this not sleeping, not eating thing has come from.  Friday night I had an amazing night at a concert seeing an artist I honestly never thought I’d see perform live.  Saturday I had a wonderful day at friends’ wedding – it was a fun day full of laughter and love.  So much positive energy from two excellent dates.  But Sunday I felt dreadful and I thought I was just suffering the effects of two big days so I just took it easy and rested up for many hours and hoped it would pass.

But then Monday rolled around.  I’m forcing myself to eat breakfast so I can take meds.  I’m not wanting to eat lunch or tea and I know it’s not an ideal situation.  This continues into Tuesday and Wednesday.  This morning (Thursday) I’ve established I’ve lost 3lbs since Saturday morning.  Usually I’d be delighted but I know that it’s not healthy.  My jeans aren’t fitting and I just feel empty.  Lost even.

This morning after yet another rubbish, broken night of not-sleeping, I’ve resorted to taking my anti-nausea meds.  These are kept in my emergency crash box so that’s not a good start.  I ate porridge so I could take them but I couldn’t taste it and I didn’t enjoy it – I was eating because I had to.  And then I made a sandwich for lunch which I have no intention of eating if I’m honest.  I was dry heaving whilst making it, the smell just turned my stomach.  The thought of eating it is horrendous.  Maybe I’ll convince myself and those around me that I’ll eat it for tea.

It’s one thing to not be eating.  It’s another to throw not sleeping into the mix as well.  I’m at the crazy point of bat season.  I have weeks left before I too can hibernate until spring.  I need to be vertical and coping.  Not sleeping is not what is needed right now.  And to have this many awful nights in a row (6 and counting) is worrying me.


And it’s a big but.

I don’t feel tired.  Usually after just one bad night, I’d be asleep in the afternoons, I’d be unable to go to work, I’d be unable to speak properly.  At the moment, none of that is happening, I’m just not sleeping.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying I feel well, I just don’t feel as bad as I should be.  Aside from the ever constant metallic I’m-going-to-be-sick taste and the churning in the stomach sensation I am remarkably upright.  It was even commented on survey the other night that I’d not been seen so bouncy and looking so good for a couple of years.  It was high praise and I basked in it but knew it’s not the truth.

So I don’t know what is going on with me right now.  All I know is it’s far from ideal.  I’m not asking for hints or tips on sleeping and/or eating, I’ve tried them all I assure you.  I’m just letting you know I’m not right and your support and witty messages are appreciated.

June 29, 2017

Episode 4 Doctor in the House

Posted in Health stuff, June tagged , , , , , at 5:41 pm by viewfromthisdesk

This has been the episode I’ve been most looking forward to as for a while I’ve known it was about exhaustion, ME, fibromyalgia and similar conditions.  I wasn’t expecting to get a massive breakthrough, but I was hoping for enlightenment.

I totally resonated with the statement ‘I just want to feel normal, I don’t want to be this tired, I just want the pain to go away’ and then the most real one ‘they give out pills and then some more pills and then different or stronger pills and then pills for the side effects’ this is SO TRUE.  Ten minute appointments with a GP or a consultant literally just gives you a new prescription.  Meds help for sure, but they’re not the answer.

The doctor talked about how fibromyalgia and ME are mystery illnesses.  This is very true.  Doctors have told me on more than one occasion that fibro and ME are diagnosis’ given out when nothing else applies.  When all other things have been ruled out.  And indeed, that was true in my case, I spent years having tests for thyroid issues, scans for MS, blood taken for Lyme and lupus and vitamin deficiencies, electrical hook-ups for nerve damage assessment.  These were done repeatedly over these years of an unknown title to what was wrong.

I had a course of B12 injections which I didn’t think changed anything but I know some people find them amazing.  I also went gluten free for six months and felt more awful after that than ever before but again, I’ve found some people who swear by GF living and the improvements this gives to their ME.

I’ve never gone diary free but I don’t consume a huge amount of dairy.  I also don’t drink alcohol anymore.  I am aware that some people drink to numb the pain.  It’s utterly understandable, I would.

I saw the frustration in the faces of the family members.  The fed-up-ness of there not being answers, of the restrictions in the lifestyle and the reliance on pills.  And to some extent, there’s an element of suspicion – it can’t be as bad as they say.

The wish to maintain a normal life in terms of work or family responsibilities is so true for anyone with one of these invisible illnesses.  We push ourselves to be normal whilst physically struggling.  We want to be a good partner/parent/friend.  We cannot physically be that good but we push and push and push.  And yes, I’ve been told so many times that it’s not real, that it’s in my head and I just need to change my mindset or snap out of it or get (pay for) some CBT therapy so I retrain my brain to ignore the pain and exhaustion sensations.

Ignoring the pain and exhaustion and not being kind to ones self is a common thing with ME and fibro.  No one believes us so why should we believe ourselves?  Not coping with life, feeling like a constant failure is very real.  Regardless of whether you’d say that to another person or not is irrelevant, you have a reduced number of friends with ME and fibro anyway.  People are sick of you cancelling or leaving early or not getting wasted with them so they fall out of your life.

Going GF didn’t help me.  I don’t eat a lot of sugar or junk food, and whilst rainbow eating was fun, I didn’t feel any different then either.  It brought other issues and challenges as well but eating more fruit and veg is always going to be a good move and I’m working towards that every day.

I was hoping I’d get some magic solutions from the program, hoping I’d get something new to try or think about.  I’m struggling this fortnight, I’m sleeping during the day more, having chronic headaches and brain fog.  Alas, there is no magic wand, the Doctor was not in my House to solve my issues but it was helpful.  I felt like I wasn’t alone, I saw myself reflected in the people on the show.  I wasn’t a liar, I wasn’t imagining it.

I’m very certain that my mental health has a huge impact on my physical health and that’s something that maybe I need to focus on more this year.  Stop worrying, stop stressing, try and reverse or remove the depressive feelings I get.  I have no clue how I’m going to manage this but I know I have you guys to help me get through each day; one day – nay, one hour – at a time.

March 2, 2017

Snoring: suffocation or separation?

Posted in March tagged , , , , , , at 2:43 pm by viewfromthisdesk

I am very aware that I only write nice things about my husband on this blog.  He freely admits he’s never read any posts but I feel I should be polite and respectful about him.  After all, he’s put up with a whole tonne of medical rubbish and supported me through the drama that is my life since 24.

Alas, I can pretend no more.  My husband is a nightmare.  I cannot rose-tinted glasses it any more.  There is no half-full, positive spin to the situation.  I am beginning to hate him and that’s not healthy.

We’ve just returned from our summer holiday.  We have to take it in February because of work so it’s a nice experience to get away from grey, dreary, miserable home and go somewhere sunny.  Yeah, the temperature change on our return is a shock and it’s horrible in the summer when everyone else is going away and we’re not but hey ho.  As usual, I caught some germ ridden lurgy on the plane back and coupled with jet lag and everything, I’ve been feeling utterly wiped out and quite down in the dumps.

Hubby is immune to all lurgy and is just bouncing around the place, relaxed, refreshed and showing off his tan at every opportunity.  I’m shattered.  I just want to sleep.

And herein lies the problem.  For some unknown reason, he’s snoring really, really badly.  Since we came back it’s like sleeping with what I imagine a bunged-up hippo would sound like.  He’s utterly unaware of it though.  It doesn’t make an ounce of difference which position he’s sleeping in, whether he’s coated in a thick layer of vics and has olbas oil all over his pillow, whether he’s had a shower immediately before bed or not.  And in my lurgy-miserable-exhausted state, I just want to suffocate him.

For a couple of evenings I’ve moved to the spare room.  My leaving the bed wakes him up and he always tells me he doesn’t want me to go.  But he doesn’t understand in his slumbering state that I WANT and NEED to sleep.  He says he’ll try not to snore but I’m not sure he really has any control over it.  If I stay in bed, I’m staring at the ceiling, bunching up the duvet in my hands in an effort to control my urge to punch him really hard in the ribs.  I’m tense and angry and not at all relaxed or calm or anywhere near sleep.

But the spare bed is not my bed.  I do not have a me-shaped dent in the mattress where I curl and fit perfectly.  The pillows are not covered in sleep-spray in my foolish effort to drug myself into slumber.  The room is not perfectly dark, the shadows are different and it’s not mine.  He refuses to sleep in the spare room, there is no discussion about it once I ask and he says no.

So, at 1.30am I moved to the spare room.  At 3am this morning, when I’m still wide awake and I know the alarm is going off for him in a couple of hours time and he’ll wake me with his gallumping around, I’m in the spare room, crying with frustration and exhaustion.  I don’t know what to do.

I’m working every day this week because we’ve returned to a busy and full diary.  Yey.  But I’m a zombie.  And it’s hard not to be grumpy ALL THE TIME.  I’m fighting the urge to have an afternoon/evening nap because my OT says that’s the wrong thing to do.  And I want to sleep AT NIGHT like a NORMAL person.  ARGH.

I thought vics and olbas oil might help him breathe easier if he’s got any small trace of my germs but it’s not working.  Waking him up and asking him to change position isn’t working.  He refuses to move to the spare room and I don’t sleep much if I do.  I just can’t win.

So.  People of the blog-reading-pastime world.  What on earth do I do?  Make the spare room mine and separate?  Or just suffocate him so it’s silent?


October 11, 2016

Long time coming

Posted in November tagged , , , , , at 12:01 pm by viewfromthisdesk

It’s bizarre how fast this year is progressing.  Yesterday was apparently eleven weeks until yuletide which is scary enough to remind me I haven’t even given it a thought yet.  I was also reminded that two years ago I was in a pretty bad place and my meds had been increased significantly and I wasn’t sure how I felt about that.

With a condition like ME, nothing is ever constant.  There never seems to be a pattern or a routine that gives you the heads up on anything.  I am aware of situations that don’t help my physical or mental well being but these are not set in stone.  For example, last week I was temping and this usually makes me really, really ill.  The long days, stressful working conditions, bright lights, driving at busy times, it all combines to usually leave me in bed for the weekend at least.  Last week was particularly mental.  It was so busy and there was no one else to take the pressure off (usually I can shout that I’m locking myself in the loo to get away from the phones for five minutes and someone else will cover them) and I ended up working ten hours on the one day.  It wasn’t fun.  And then sensibly, I decided to throw my flu jab in the mix of a crazy week.

I have a jumble of feelings about the flu jab.  I have it because it’s offered to me and I don’t usually get anything free so I’m inclined to take it whilst it’s there.  I have it because my immune system is shot to pieces and so if I got any sort of bug it would flatten me for a couple of weeks.  I don’t like it though because it usually ruins me for a good couple of days.  Last year I had to miss a gig we had planned to go to because I was so nauseous and wobbly.  This year I was expecting to feel rubbish but figured that it would be combined with post-temping rubbish-ness and I’d just get it all over with in one hit.  This year I’ve (so far) felt okay.  Aside from the usual lumpy sore arm, it’s been okay.  I like this current mix of poison that they’ve given me.

I seem to be managing in the short term at the moment, I do feel that I’m taking a micro-management approach right now.  Rather than trying to plan in scales of weeks or months I am literally going from day to day, half day to half day.  It seems to be working for the time being.  It does mean that there are extra clothes/strappings/hot water bottles/tens machines scattered around the house but it’s how I’m coping for the moment.  I have a huge amount going on in my life for the time of year, usually I’m enjoying the leaves changing and the time to sit with Pirate Cat but that’s not possible right now.  And maybe, because I’m so busy trying to do so much is why the micro management is working because I’m trying to be well, or at least vertical, for so many things that I need to just get through one thing after another.  I’m sure it will all come crashing down in a pile of tears and ibuprofen gel and whatnot but for the time being, I’m surviving.

July 5, 2016

Learning the art of balance

Posted in July tagged , , , , , , , at 2:29 pm by viewfromthisdesk

I’ve been utterly awful at the whole ‘pacing and prioritising’ thing that the medical peeps bang on about.  I’ve been brought up with the ‘if something needs doing, get on and do it’ attitude and approach.  It’s hard to change something that has been forced into your brain for so long.

This year has been the most challenging for me so far.  I’ve spent way more time on my crutches than in any year previously.  I’d like to claim it’s because I want to show off my gorgeous coloured sticks but it isn’t.  My joints and balance have been particularly horrendous this year and I cannot attribute it to any particular reason other than this condition is deteriorating.  I’m not doing as much physical stuff as I used to or indeed want to.  Any fun event is wrapped in days of resting and relaxing and neoprene things.  My bat work is set up on the basis of not much walking around on site and me being somewhere I can sit for the survey which is neither professional or ideal.  Concerts are few and far between this year.

On the back of all that misery however, I had a light bulb moment last week which I feel deserves praise.  I was working away for ten days, at what I call my temping job.  It’s a tough gig though.  It’s a proper eight to nine hour day, it’s constantly busy and noisy and bright.  There is nowhere to hide, nowhere to escape to when it gets too much and certainly no flexible working hours.  It always makes me ill and I’m absolutely aware it makes me ill so nothing *should* be planned for the time I’m temping.  Nothing except sleep and more meds.

In previous years, I’ve taken the approach that of course I can do it all.  Of course I can temp and keep house and do bat surveys and have a social life, of course I’ll be fine.  With bad consequences.

This time, I literally just did temping.  The house is now a mess, I turned down bat work and I had no life outside of the nine hour day.  It was work-home-pyjamas-sleep.  So I managed some time of balance.  Not in the literal sense because I was on my multi coloured sticks for the whole time, but balance in terms of not trying to do it all.

But how do I now not over compensate for this week of being sensible?  This week I have booked three surveys with another as a possible.  I desperately need to turn into some crazy person with the ability to clean the house (even though housework is one of my worst pain triggers) and make it all look normal and respectable.  I just can’t do everything in a sensible and balances fashion, I’m wading through treacle whilst being stuck inside a constricting jumper.  I can’t employ someone to clean because I can’t afford it.  I can’t turn down temping or bat work because I can’t afford to do that too.

I’m clinging to the ‘look how well I did last week’ attitude in the hope that no one will notice what a mess I’m making of this week!

March 4, 2016

March Madness

Posted in March tagged , , , at 1:24 pm by viewfromthisdesk

In January I wrote about setting myself little targets each month so that things didn’t seem utterly overwhelming.  I set myself three targets to achieve by the end of February, these were to write my thank you letters from Christmas, to weed two rose beds and to eat somewhere new.

Well, I wrote my letters so that’s a good start.  It was tough going and I did end up typing them but I decided that typing was better than not writing at all.  It did mean I had a huge expanse of empty white space to fill though which was really daunting.  Thank goodness that as an adult I don’t get many presents anymore!

I haven’t weeded my rose beds.  They look awful.  I am ashamed.

Eating somewhere new was managed, just not quite how I’d intended.  There is a place in town that hubby and I have wanted to go to for ages, which we were going to eat at on Monday night for our engagement anniversary that didn’t happen.  Aside from that, I went out for lunch with a couple of my bat girlies to this very place so I’m counting that as a win.  Any meal time will do quite frankly.  We still want to go to this place, we’ll probably aim to go for April which is when we got together.

So my March targets have to be:

  1. Get better! I need to shift this lurgy that has taken residence in my chest.
  2. Weed the rose beds and prune the clematis climbers. I’ve had an email to say it needs to happen now to ensure a good display of flowers.  Maybe sub consciously,  I keep hoping that some secret gardening fairy will turn up for a random act of kindness, but it’s unlikely so I’ve just got to get on with it.
  3. Sort out my shoes. I’m no Imelda Marcos but I have lots of shoes that I now never can wear again. I’ve held onto them for an unknown reason, pride maybe, proof that I did once wear these gorgeous things, but my joints and social life do not allow lovely heeled shoes any longer.  If anyone reading this is a size UK 5 feel free to come and help me and have first dibs!
  4. Something new. I’m not sure what I mean by this exactly but in a vague way it’s along the lines of wanting to push my life boundaries a bit. I’m not going to suddenly book myself in for a skydive or start collecting imperial sized nuts and bolts, more something along the lines of visiting somewhere or trying something (food, music, theatre-esque) or experiencing something unknown and previously undiscovered.  My conditions limit so much and I’ve allowed myself to become an utter social hermit.  Too scared to try anything really.  I’m not sure how this will pan out but I’ve got to have the idea lodged in my brain.

shoe mountain

(This isn’t my shoe mountain, it’s an image I’ve stolen from someone else on the interweb.  Although I do like those red ones in the middle.  Would never be able to wear them but they’re very lovely!)


I’d be grateful for any help anyone can offer, be it physically or motivationally.

May 15, 2015

May 16th, one year on

Posted in Health stuff, Weight Watchers tagged , , , , , , , at 11:02 am by viewfromthisdesk

This time last year I was fretting somewhat about walking 5km.  It turned out alright in the end – aside from the outfit I chose to wear which is now buried in a cupboard somewhere I’m sure.  I can forget about the outfit when I remember how much money I raised with your generous help.

I decided not to do the walk this year; not because I’m a heartless individual who doesn’t care but because I just couldn’t be bothered to get off my bum and actually *do* something:  I’m lazy.

Rather than asking you for money for May 16th, I’ve been asking for stamps, for ribbons, for spoons.  It’s hardly comparable to exercise but honestly, it’s how my life is right now.

I’ve not jumped on the scales recently but I know I’ve put on loads of weight.  My last number display put me at the same weight as my wedding day which I’ve always considered to be my heaviest.  I know the numbers are bigger now.  But I’m totally unfazed by it, which isn’t great.

I know I’m more than curvy again now, but I simply don’t care.  I honestly don’t care.  I’m happy with what I’ve got.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not shovelling bags of crisps into my face (I can’t remember the last packet actually) and I’m not scoffing takeaways 24/7, I’m actually eating reasonably but I’m just not active.  That’s the big issue.

I ache all over, I’m constantly attached to a heat pad or TENS machine.  I’m tired and I simply can’t be bothered.  Am I using my M.E. as an excuse?  No, I don’t think so.  I’m not going to walk 5km and cause myself to sleep for a fortnight and have to see a physio again.  I need to find something that fits around day work and night surveys and doesn’t hurt or exhaust me.

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