October 4, 2017

A double-edged sword

Posted in Health stuff, October, Weight Watchers tagged , , , at 11:50 am by viewfromthisdesk

I’ve shared recently about my eating issues – it’s been a really tricky six and a bit weeks if I’m honest.

I have gotten over the permanent nausea feeling, this just comes and goes now and is triggered by new smells usually.  There’s no consistency to what triggers the nausea though so I can’t avoid it.  And I’ve not been ill physically, I just feel rotten but eventually it passes.

But I still don’t want to eat.  I have no desire to eat, I have no urge to apply to face.  It’s really odd.  I’m eating because I know I have to.  There’s no taste, there’s no pleasure, it’s just a requirement of life and I hate it.  I really despise the fact I’m forcing the situation.  I don’t think this is linked to my ME or my fibro either.  The insomnia is but this weird not eating thing is different.

I love food.  I love the companionship of a meal with friends.  I hate the cutlery struggles and the efforts of sitting still but eating has always been a great positive.

And the double edged sword?  Weight loss.

I’ve lost half a stone in the six and a bit weeks.  No one has noticed and that’s pants because half a stone is a decent chunk.  I’m wearing jeans that I haven’t worn for five years and I’m sure I look different.  I’ve tried to tell myself that people don’t see the gradual change but even people I’ve not seen for ages haven’t noticed.  It hurts because I want that positive reassurance about my life.  No, I *need* that positive reassurance.  I know asking girls about their weight is a bit taboo but this girl wants to know.  This girl wants to understand they’re not insignificant, that they haven’t faded into the wallpaper, that they are noticed.

I’m unsure as to how to view this current situation.  I’m struggling to be positive because it’s not fun.  And I’m having this dilemma in my head that if I think ‘I could aim for this target weight by this date’ that I’m encouraging the not eating.  I’m sure this is just my over thinking things and being particularly sensitive right now but I promise you all, I want to eat, I want to be that greedy lass you all know and love.  I don’t like not eating because I feel sick or don’t feel hungry.  It’s not me.

It’s a tricky situation because I don’t know how to manage it.  I want people to notice the weight loss and make some comment.  I want someone to slap my bum as I walk past in these gorgeous levi jeans and say ‘looking good’ or wolf whistle at me.  Sexist and derogatory as that it, I just want noticing.  But I don’t want you to notice I’m not eating.  I don’t want you to ask what I managed to force down today.  I don’t want any comments about how half a sandwich isn’t enough or I leave half my meal because I’m super full.

So notice me but don’t notice the details. What could possibly go wrong with that request?!

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August 31, 2017

One month on

Posted in August, Health stuff tagged , , , , , at 11:05 am by viewfromthisdesk

It’s been a very strange few weeks.

On the 28th July I posted ‘when the darkness wins’ and I was at this very desk when I wrote it over those few days.  I’m working away again this week but my outlook and attitude are very, very different.

It’s curious how writing that post has been very cathartic.  Admitting all those things and releasing them has been brilliant.  Yes, it was hurtful and emotional but it’s been good for me.  I can’t drag that baggage with me forever.  Whilst I’m never going to be free of those thoughts and memories, they are not dragging me down right now.

Sitting at this desk again is odd.  I remember how hard that week was, typing the words, remembering the things I wrote, revisiting stuff in my head I didn’t want to go back to.  Sitting here this week I feel like a different person but it’s probably that nausea thing I had.

The ‘nausea thing’ as it’s been titled really did knock me for six.  I had probably ten days of it in all.  Last night was the first night I ate what could be considered a normal plate of food.  It took ages though and my taste buds still haven’t come back but at least I’m eating.  I lost four pounds in a week – not that anyone has noticed – and they’re still off.  I checked this morning.

My weight is a constant battle.  Being sedentary and unable to do much by way of exercise is a huge factor to this.  My joints and energy levels are just not like other people’s.  I can be exhausted just walking up the stairs and so the idea of doing a couch to 10km thing for example is unthinkable.  This nausea thing, however horrific it was, has helped me realise that if I’m ever going to be a skinny minny then food is the only way to that.

Not eating ‘normally’ these past ten days has been truly horrible.  I can promise you that.  Watching hubby inhale an entire pizza whilst I’m struggling with one scrambled egg was a particular low point.  Making a sandwich last two meals and not wanting it at either of them was also pretty pants.  The questioning from himself ‘what have you eaten today?’ felt invasive and accusatory.  I wasn’t deliberately not eating, that is not me in any shape or form.

I was intrigued as to whether four pounds made any difference if the doctors knew.  Turns out my BMI is still in the obese range but it’s getting closer to overweight.  Two more pounds off and I’d just be overweight, not obese.  Pah.  Life is too short.  I’d find it easier to grow another three inches than lose another two pounds whilst actually eating food.

That four pounds was in a whole week, Sunday to Sunday.  I’ve not lost anything this week (Sunday – Thursday) but I’m going to convince myself that whilst I’m still not eating properly, my body is in shock and won’t lose more weight this week.  Not that eating any form of food is going to make me a heifer again.

And I’ve come to another big decision too and it’s a proper selfish one.  I’m struggling with the guilt of doing something for me but I’m hoping I’ll get over it.

About eighteen months ago I tried to get treatment for some scar issues I’ve got.  But the treatment I had years ago for other scars is not offered anymore on the nhs, there’s no money.  Course I had to wait sixteen weeks for an appointment to be told to get lost but hey ho.  The nhs doctor told me I’d have to go private and at the time I was super upset.  But since then my scars have bothered me more and more and so when I’ve been working here I’ve tried to put some money aside.  So my selfish decision is that I’m going to make an appointment to see a doctor about them next month, going to try and get them sorted.  It’s going to be super expensive and I’m aware I might not be able to afford it right now but I’m hopeful that I’ll make it work somehow without resorting to the fantastic plastic.  If I haven’t got enough saved, it won’t happen, simple as.

Curious how not eating leads to a fresher outlook on things – Don’t fret though, I’ll be back to my usual grumpy, mood-swinging, pain filled self soon enough.  Normal service will be resumed.

August 24, 2017

Things are far from ideal

Posted in August, Health stuff tagged , , , , , at 12:56 pm by viewfromthisdesk

It’s no secret I like food.  You only have to glance at me to know food is high on my list of daily obsessions.  And these curves take some maintaining, it has to be said.

So when I go off food, it’s a glaring red light that I should pay attention to.

Since first thing Sunday, I’ve had a continual feeling of nausea.  I can’t taste anything and I’m just not hungry.  The smell of food is making me more queasy.  And I’m not sleeping.  Yeah, back to that hilarious combination of ME and insomnia.

I don’t know where this not sleeping, not eating thing has come from.  Friday night I had an amazing night at a concert seeing an artist I honestly never thought I’d see perform live.  Saturday I had a wonderful day at friends’ wedding – it was a fun day full of laughter and love.  So much positive energy from two excellent dates.  But Sunday I felt dreadful and I thought I was just suffering the effects of two big days so I just took it easy and rested up for many hours and hoped it would pass.

But then Monday rolled around.  I’m forcing myself to eat breakfast so I can take meds.  I’m not wanting to eat lunch or tea and I know it’s not an ideal situation.  This continues into Tuesday and Wednesday.  This morning (Thursday) I’ve established I’ve lost 3lbs since Saturday morning.  Usually I’d be delighted but I know that it’s not healthy.  My jeans aren’t fitting and I just feel empty.  Lost even.

This morning after yet another rubbish, broken night of not-sleeping, I’ve resorted to taking my anti-nausea meds.  These are kept in my emergency crash box so that’s not a good start.  I ate porridge so I could take them but I couldn’t taste it and I didn’t enjoy it – I was eating because I had to.  And then I made a sandwich for lunch which I have no intention of eating if I’m honest.  I was dry heaving whilst making it, the smell just turned my stomach.  The thought of eating it is horrendous.  Maybe I’ll convince myself and those around me that I’ll eat it for tea.

It’s one thing to not be eating.  It’s another to throw not sleeping into the mix as well.  I’m at the crazy point of bat season.  I have weeks left before I too can hibernate until spring.  I need to be vertical and coping.  Not sleeping is not what is needed right now.  And to have this many awful nights in a row (6 and counting) is worrying me.

But.

And it’s a big but.

I don’t feel tired.  Usually after just one bad night, I’d be asleep in the afternoons, I’d be unable to go to work, I’d be unable to speak properly.  At the moment, none of that is happening, I’m just not sleeping.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying I feel well, I just don’t feel as bad as I should be.  Aside from the ever constant metallic I’m-going-to-be-sick taste and the churning in the stomach sensation I am remarkably upright.  It was even commented on survey the other night that I’d not been seen so bouncy and looking so good for a couple of years.  It was high praise and I basked in it but knew it’s not the truth.

So I don’t know what is going on with me right now.  All I know is it’s far from ideal.  I’m not asking for hints or tips on sleeping and/or eating, I’ve tried them all I assure you.  I’m just letting you know I’m not right and your support and witty messages are appreciated.

June 12, 2017

Skipping Meals – fasting or foolishness?

Posted in June tagged , , , , at 2:53 pm by viewfromthisdesk

It’s super unusual for me to not be hungry.  It’s no secret that I like food, I talk about it enough and think about it near enough all the time.  Hubby and I will be in the middle of eating a meal and I’ll be asking him what he wants for the next one or if such and such would be okay.  I tried doing weekly meal planning on our weekly blackboard organiser but it just meant that it was a stressful fifteen minutes in one solid lump of me asking what he fancies for tea this week and him replying ‘I don’t know what we’ve got’ and then me being super annoyed and frustrated over his inability to open the freezers or cupboards and look or – heaven forbid – actually remember what we bought recently.  ARGH!

Food is my enemy and my comfort.  It stresses me out and makes me happy.  I just feels like a permanent bad relationship that you can’t leave because when it’s good, it’s really good and you can almost forget the horrid bits.

I started not feeling hungry when I did the rainbow eating a week ago.  And for the last week it’s been a recurring thing.  I’d not want breakfast most mornings and if I didn’t eat something then I also wouldn’t feel anything come lunchtime.  By about 4.30 I’d be ready to eat my desk though which is reassuring!  I can’t work out why eating makes me then regularly hungry but missing a meal isn’t triggering those same feelings.

Last week I read an article which said that people that didn’t eat between 7pm and 11am and then only had two meals (lunch and tea) lost more weight that people who ate tea at say 8pm and then breakfast.  They put it down to this period of fasting.  But I put it down to a skipped meal.  If you are only eating twice a day then of course you’ll lose weight, it’s a whole meal’s worth of calories not going into your system.  When I skip meals it doesn’t help me lose weight, it doesn’t change anything other than giving me food guilt over not eating.

The 5:2 diet was super popular last year and when I read about it, I just laughed.  Miss a meal, you are joking!  And yet somehow, I’m doing it inadvertently.  This morning I ate breakfast but didn’t enjoy it and wanted to give up half way though.  It was a nice breakfast, I just couldn’t be bothered with it.  And it’s now almost 3pm and I’ve not fancied lunch yet.  I probably won’t bother now, although I’ve got yoghurts in the fridge as a just in case.  I have a drawer full of emergency hula-hoops that I’ve ignored for a couple of weeks.  Food just isn’t giving me the same feeling of happiness and contentment any more and I don’t like it.

In bonus news, my mouth has stopped bleeding and going ganky.  I also made a lasagne yesterday which had many, many vegetables in.  I think I counted six and Hubby didn’t realise.  It was delicious and he’s commented that he can’t wait to have it again tonight as we had enough left for a second meal.  Maybe I need to do more food subterfuge to make it more exciting for me?

May 15, 2015

May 16th, one year on

Posted in Health stuff, Weight Watchers tagged , , , , , , , at 11:02 am by viewfromthisdesk

This time last year I was fretting somewhat about walking 5km.  It turned out alright in the end – aside from the outfit I chose to wear which is now buried in a cupboard somewhere I’m sure.  I can forget about the outfit when I remember how much money I raised with your generous help.

I decided not to do the walk this year; not because I’m a heartless individual who doesn’t care but because I just couldn’t be bothered to get off my bum and actually *do* something:  I’m lazy.

Rather than asking you for money for May 16th, I’ve been asking for stamps, for ribbons, for spoons.  It’s hardly comparable to exercise but honestly, it’s how my life is right now.

I’ve not jumped on the scales recently but I know I’ve put on loads of weight.  My last number display put me at the same weight as my wedding day which I’ve always considered to be my heaviest.  I know the numbers are bigger now.  But I’m totally unfazed by it, which isn’t great.

I know I’m more than curvy again now, but I simply don’t care.  I honestly don’t care.  I’m happy with what I’ve got.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not shovelling bags of crisps into my face (I can’t remember the last packet actually) and I’m not scoffing takeaways 24/7, I’m actually eating reasonably but I’m just not active.  That’s the big issue.

I ache all over, I’m constantly attached to a heat pad or TENS machine.  I’m tired and I simply can’t be bothered.  Am I using my M.E. as an excuse?  No, I don’t think so.  I’m not going to walk 5km and cause myself to sleep for a fortnight and have to see a physio again.  I need to find something that fits around day work and night surveys and doesn’t hurt or exhaust me.

April 2, 2014

week four over

Posted in April, Health stuff, Twilight Walk tagged , , , , , , , at 11:40 am by viewfromthisdesk

I was almost excited when I jumped on the scales this morning, except the stupid things say I have lost nothing in these past two weeks.

Nothing.

How rubbish is that?!!!?  And really rather confusing as my trusty jeans don’t fit, I need a new hole in my belt and hubby has commented that features have come back to my face.  I can feel my cheekbones too.

But.  I’m not going to let it get me down because I feel really good inside.  I’m not bloated anymore, I don’t feel like my belly is about to explode with some unknown entity, I’m not getting the stomach cramps I was getting and I can understand that *something* in my diet was not agreeing with me before.

But I miss pain au chocolats with my sister on a Saturday morning.  I miss the option of a jacket potato for tea.  I miss that satisfying, salty crunch of crisps.

I’m motivated to keep going though.  This journey of eating lettuce and fresh air technically ends in three weeks for me and in six and a half weeks is my scary 5km twilight walk.  Btw – THANK YOU to each of you for your support, I am overwhelmed by your generosity and fun comments.  Two weeks after the walk, our gorgeous friends are getting married and I want to look slightly gorgeous too, so I need to stick to some sort of proper eating thing.

I’ll get there.  I just won’t be less-heifer-ish when I had hoped to be.

July 4, 2013

The day after the day before

Posted in Gluten Free, Health stuff, July tagged , , , , at 2:40 pm by viewfromthisdesk

I was utterly overwhelmed last night by the lovely messages I got yesterday.  Thank you.  It made me remember that I’m really not doing this on my own.  That I do not need to struggle by myself.

To answer a few questions:-

*No, I cannot change meds.  This new one is working, it’s doing what it is supposed to do in terms of pain management and hasn’t got some of the side effects that the other one had.  Apart from immense weight gain of course.  I don’t want to go through the withdrawal and re-introduction of the old meds, the change-over this time was shocking.  Really awful.

*Yes, I think there is something wrong with my scales.  Hubby had to change the battery the other week as the original one had died.  Maybe that screwed with the readings? Maybe it needs re-calibrating?

*No, I am not going to join a weigh loss class.  I did WW because it was free.  I don’t agree with the praise and humiliate approach that these organisations take, all whilst taking your money with eagerness that can only be compared to me being faced with a packet of jaffa cakes.  I will revisit some of the information I’ve got and think about my portion sizes and all that again.

*Exercise is a bit of a problem issue at the mo.  Not that I’m sat around doing nothing (it is mid season after all and this girl *is* licensed!) but I can’t do anything ‘proper’ for long.  The joints in my hips, knees and ankles are particularly bad at the mo and I don’t want to have to see the lovely Russell again.  Not cos I don’t like him but I’ve had such a long run of not seeing him that I don’t want to have to get my joints pummeled professionally.  I’m doing as much as I can in terms of walking around but I’m struggling with stairs lots which is my usual fall-back of exercise.

*Myfitnesspal I will look at once I’m in a better place mentally.  Right now I need to sort my head and attitude out and then think about having to fill stuff in.  I’ve got a weight tracker app on my phone which makes lovely graphs for me, so I’m starting with that. Although I particularly hate it right now as I’ve gone from being ‘overweight’ to ‘obese’ in its eyes.  Well, words.

So we’re day one today.  For breakfast I had some granola which is a lovely alternative to porridge (too warm today for porridge) but I’m thinking it might be quite sugary so I’m going to look at the technical information and maybe revisit that as a breakfast option.  I don’t really like cornflakes and there’s not much else as a GF choice.  For lunch I had a tuna salad which I made last night, a tub of pineapple chunks and a nectarine.  Tonight I’m on a transect survey so lots of walking potential.

So far so good eh.

July 3, 2013

Quite frankly, it all sucks

Posted in Gluten Free, June, Weight Watchers tagged , , , , , , at 2:50 pm by viewfromthisdesk

Rant warning:

 

Being GF is rubbish.  The food is boring (apart from the sausages, but a girl can’t live on sausages alone) the bread products are expensive, small and hard and I can’t have kitkats.

About the same time as I went GF, I had to change one of my meds.  One of my major players in the pain management game.

Since this magical time, I have gained in excess of 20 pounds.  Yep, in practical terms, a stone and a half.  Almost, all the weight I lost doing WW.  But the stupid thing is – the scales tell me this, my clothes don’t.

And no one has to my face either.

So.  Do the scales lie by admission or do my friends and family lie by omission?

 

Either way, I’m clearly not doing well.  I really, honestly don’t get it though. I’m not eating anything rubbish – as I can’t.  The only factor I can think is that I’m eating more carbs – pasta, rice and spuds, especially of an evening.  Do I attempt to go Atkins on GF?  I’ve got to do something serious to bring these numbers under control.  I feel like the blog is starting all over again being as I’ve undone everything that this blog has covered.  The other option is change meds again.  And I can’t face that.  The changeover this time was horrific.

 

So, I’m reaching out for help.  Please.

April 18, 2013

So far, so good.

Posted in April, Gluten Free tagged , , at 9:06 am by viewfromthisdesk

Not wishing to shout too loudly being as I still have a weekend to get through <sigh> but I would like to proudly announce that :-

I have managed ten meals Gluten Free!

(I did try to insert a 10/10 image but after four attempts, I’ve given up.  Would have been more impresive if I’d managed it, I know)

Admittedly, four of these have been porridge and fruit, three have been salads and three have been meat and veg but that isn’t the point!  A milestone has been reached and however small that milestone may be, I’m going to celebrate it.  With flapjack, not cake.

April 11, 2013

Overcoming hurdles

Posted in April, Health stuff tagged at 1:26 pm by viewfromthisdesk

So, not only am I trying to deal with the fact that since my email was hacked, no one can email me and I can’t email them so all my friends think I’m being a sulky, silent mare …… I’ve also been told I need to go gluten free.

Big thing.

I love bread, toast, sandwiches, cakes, pies, biscuits, pasta, puddings, breaded mushrooms, pain au chocolat and everything else. Now I have to try and pretend these things don’t exist.

Initially I thought it would be okay, it’s a cross between Atkins and WW really? But no. Gluten is in everything it seems.

Be patient with me, I sense mood swings and toddler tantrums ahead!