February 15, 2018

Six weeks words of wisdom

Posted in February tagged , , at 12:19 pm by viewfromthisdesk

I’ve mentioned before I’ve been keeping a diary this year to track extra meds or symptoms etc.  I’ve also been using it for notes about fun things like nights out or books I’ve read.  I then started jotting down inspirational things I’d found or seen or heard.  It may be pictures off the internet, song lyrics, quotes from a book.  As we’re half way through February, I thought I’d share them.  You may be able to send me some more.  I write them in random pages of my diary so they’re little surprises when I find them again.

* (January 1st had this one) Today is the first page of a 365 page book – write a good one.

* It is said some lives are linked across time, connected by an ancient calling that echoes through the ages.

* You can’t go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending.

* If it doesn’t challenge you, it doesn’t change you.

* Those who don’t believe in magic will never find it.

* Happiness can be found in the darkest of times if one only remembers to turn on the light.

* Confidence is sexy – walk into a room and own it!

* Sometimes I feel like giving up.  Then I remember I have a lot of people to prove wrong.

* You don’t always have to be a rock star.  It’s okay to be a groupie.

* Just because you took longer than others, doesn’t mean you failed.

* ‘Cause nobody wants to be the last one there // ‘Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares. // Someone to love with my life in their hands. // There’s gotta be somebody for me like that. // ‘Cause nobody wants to go it on their own // And everyone wants to know they’re not alone. // Somebody else that feels the same somewhere. // There’s gotta be somebody for me out there. (Nickleback)

* Enter freely. Go safely and leave something of the happiness you bring! (Bram Stoker)

* I remember feeling lost.  It was bloody awful.  Hope you find your way.

* Positive thinking isn’t about expecting the best to happen every time.  But accepting that whatever happens, is the best for the moment.

* Believe only half of what you see and nothing that you hear. (Edgar Allan Poe)

* Some days, she has no idea how she’ll do it.  But every single day, it still gets done.

* You have to stop thinking you’ll be stuck in your situation forever.  We feel like our heart will never heal or we’ll never get out of this impossible struggle.  Don’t confuse a season for a lifetime.  Even your trials have an expiration date.  You will grow, life will change, things will work out. (Brittney Moses)

* Ships don’t sink because of all the water around them.  Ships sink because of the water that gets in them. Don’t let what’s happening around you, get inside you and weigh you down.  Stay up.

* Don’t wait for things to get easier, simpler or better.  Life will always be complicated.  Learn to be happy right now.  Otherwise, you’ll run out of time.

* I’m not a stranger to the dark // Hide away, they say // ‘Cause we don’t want your broken parts // I’ve learned to be ashamed of all my scars // Run away, they say // No one will love you as you are // But I won’t let them break me down to dust // I know that there’s a place for us // For we are glorious. (This is Me, Greatest Showman)

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January 8, 2018

Three days on

Posted in Health stuff, January tagged , , , at 12:02 pm by viewfromthisdesk

Or, my appointment with the dishy South African with the big chopper.

 

So, Friday was the Big Day.  After two years of saving up and then nine weeks of waiting for the consultant to not be on holiday I finally had my operation to remove my scars.

These scars have been an issue for a while.  Not only were they ugly and obvious and itchy and annoying, they also made me feel really self conscious.  I can hide the scar in my bikini line from my one operation, I can ignore the two in my belly button from the other operations.  I can kinda cover the one on my back from where I blistered up after getting sunburnt aged 16.  I cannot cover the four on my ears.  I suffer from keloid scarring, it’s a body’s over reaction to trauma or injury.  In my case, operations and piercings.  These are not normal scars, these are red or purple, they are raised and shiny and quite large.  The four on my ears were about the size of marrowfat peas, hardly subtle.

I’m not a vain sort of person but on the odd occasion that I made an effort, I’d be aware that these scars were something I couldn’t hide.  Someone commented after the wedding last August that I had really cool earrings that day.  All I could think was ‘Great, so they noticed the lumpy scars too’.

The operation itself was not fun.  He cut the scars off by burning.  And then he scraped off the burnt bit and burnt it again.  Four different areas.  I wasn’t nervous about the operation I was only concerned about the smell.  I’ve had bits of me burnt in a medical and accidental way before, it stinks.  This isn’t like catching yourself on the side of the iron.  Needless to say, after Friday I won’t be roasting pork for a while.

Once the local aesthetic wore off (about two hours)  I was a bit (understatement) grumpy.  I had been warned it might sting a bit (no lie) but no one warned me about how itchy it would be.  Oh my goodness I could have taken a metal scouring pad to my ears quite happily.

The weekend was not without it’s productiveness.  I wore my magical manatee pyjama trousers with no shame, I read lots, I watched films, I crafted.  I ate a lot of biscuits just to keep my hands busy so I wouldn’t poke and scratch.

Fast forward three days and I now just have black scabs where the lumps were.  The daft thing is, these scabs are probably more obvious that the lumps were.  Maybe people didn’t notice the scars – maybe people noticed but didn’t care – what’s important is that I noticed and I cared.

I’m not allowed to complain about the oozing yellow gank that’s coming from the areas (yellow is good apparently, I just have to worry if it goes red and hot) or the fact the sites are super itchy.  I chose to have this happen.  I decided to pay a scary amount of money to have this done to me.  And I have signed up to have four very painful (and equally expensive) follow up appointments where they will inject the scar tissue areas with steroids to try and stop them coming back.

 

This is my first selfish act of 2018 and with time, I know it’ll be worth it.

October 4, 2017

A double-edged sword

Posted in Health stuff, October, Weight Watchers tagged , , , at 11:50 am by viewfromthisdesk

I’ve shared recently about my eating issues – it’s been a really tricky six and a bit weeks if I’m honest.

I have gotten over the permanent nausea feeling, this just comes and goes now and is triggered by new smells usually.  There’s no consistency to what triggers the nausea though so I can’t avoid it.  And I’ve not been ill physically, I just feel rotten but eventually it passes.

But I still don’t want to eat.  I have no desire to eat, I have no urge to apply to face.  It’s really odd.  I’m eating because I know I have to.  There’s no taste, there’s no pleasure, it’s just a requirement of life and I hate it.  I really despise the fact I’m forcing the situation.  I don’t think this is linked to my ME or my fibro either.  The insomnia is but this weird not eating thing is different.

I love food.  I love the companionship of a meal with friends.  I hate the cutlery struggles and the efforts of sitting still but eating has always been a great positive.

And the double edged sword?  Weight loss.

I’ve lost half a stone in the six and a bit weeks.  No one has noticed and that’s pants because half a stone is a decent chunk.  I’m wearing jeans that I haven’t worn for five years and I’m sure I look different.  I’ve tried to tell myself that people don’t see the gradual change but even people I’ve not seen for ages haven’t noticed.  It hurts because I want that positive reassurance about my life.  No, I *need* that positive reassurance.  I know asking girls about their weight is a bit taboo but this girl wants to know.  This girl wants to understand they’re not insignificant, that they haven’t faded into the wallpaper, that they are noticed.

I’m unsure as to how to view this current situation.  I’m struggling to be positive because it’s not fun.  And I’m having this dilemma in my head that if I think ‘I could aim for this target weight by this date’ that I’m encouraging the not eating.  I’m sure this is just my over thinking things and being particularly sensitive right now but I promise you all, I want to eat, I want to be that greedy lass you all know and love.  I don’t like not eating because I feel sick or don’t feel hungry.  It’s not me.

It’s a tricky situation because I don’t know how to manage it.  I want people to notice the weight loss and make some comment.  I want someone to slap my bum as I walk past in these gorgeous levi jeans and say ‘looking good’ or wolf whistle at me.  Sexist and derogatory as that it, I just want noticing.  But I don’t want you to notice I’m not eating.  I don’t want you to ask what I managed to force down today.  I don’t want any comments about how half a sandwich isn’t enough or I leave half my meal because I’m super full.

So notice me but don’t notice the details. What could possibly go wrong with that request?!

June 12, 2017

Skipping Meals – fasting or foolishness?

Posted in June tagged , , , , at 2:53 pm by viewfromthisdesk

It’s super unusual for me to not be hungry.  It’s no secret that I like food, I talk about it enough and think about it near enough all the time.  Hubby and I will be in the middle of eating a meal and I’ll be asking him what he wants for the next one or if such and such would be okay.  I tried doing weekly meal planning on our weekly blackboard organiser but it just meant that it was a stressful fifteen minutes in one solid lump of me asking what he fancies for tea this week and him replying ‘I don’t know what we’ve got’ and then me being super annoyed and frustrated over his inability to open the freezers or cupboards and look or – heaven forbid – actually remember what we bought recently.  ARGH!

Food is my enemy and my comfort.  It stresses me out and makes me happy.  I just feels like a permanent bad relationship that you can’t leave because when it’s good, it’s really good and you can almost forget the horrid bits.

I started not feeling hungry when I did the rainbow eating a week ago.  And for the last week it’s been a recurring thing.  I’d not want breakfast most mornings and if I didn’t eat something then I also wouldn’t feel anything come lunchtime.  By about 4.30 I’d be ready to eat my desk though which is reassuring!  I can’t work out why eating makes me then regularly hungry but missing a meal isn’t triggering those same feelings.

Last week I read an article which said that people that didn’t eat between 7pm and 11am and then only had two meals (lunch and tea) lost more weight that people who ate tea at say 8pm and then breakfast.  They put it down to this period of fasting.  But I put it down to a skipped meal.  If you are only eating twice a day then of course you’ll lose weight, it’s a whole meal’s worth of calories not going into your system.  When I skip meals it doesn’t help me lose weight, it doesn’t change anything other than giving me food guilt over not eating.

The 5:2 diet was super popular last year and when I read about it, I just laughed.  Miss a meal, you are joking!  And yet somehow, I’m doing it inadvertently.  This morning I ate breakfast but didn’t enjoy it and wanted to give up half way though.  It was a nice breakfast, I just couldn’t be bothered with it.  And it’s now almost 3pm and I’ve not fancied lunch yet.  I probably won’t bother now, although I’ve got yoghurts in the fridge as a just in case.  I have a drawer full of emergency hula-hoops that I’ve ignored for a couple of weeks.  Food just isn’t giving me the same feeling of happiness and contentment any more and I don’t like it.

In bonus news, my mouth has stopped bleeding and going ganky.  I also made a lasagne yesterday which had many, many vegetables in.  I think I counted six and Hubby didn’t realise.  It was delicious and he’s commented that he can’t wait to have it again tonight as we had enough left for a second meal.  Maybe I need to do more food subterfuge to make it more exciting for me?

June 6, 2017

Rainbow Lessons Learned

Posted in June tagged , , , , at 1:10 pm by viewfromthisdesk

It’s difficult to know what this experience has taught me as I’ve just got random thoughts about it.

For starters, I did honestly think that I might lose weight by eating far more healthily but I didn’t.  Three days of mindful eating and I didn’t even see one pound off on the scales which surprised me.  It wasn’t the reason for doing it but it would have been nice to see a change in numbers.

Rainbow eating as a concept is to target a rainbow a day.  In order for me to to appreciate the theory of it all, I decided to try a rainbow a meal.  Otherwise I’d be doing beige plus some sides which wouldn’t exactly teach me anything.

When I went shopping that first morning, I was surprised how expensive it was to buy a trolley of fruit and veg.  But I have to remember that I’m taking the idea to an extreme.  Beige food is cheaper – a box of frozen chicken steaks that will do two meals is cheaper than a tub of blueberries for example.  I went shopping at what is considered a ‘budget’ supermarket, I can’t imagine what the cost would be if I shopped at a typical supermarket or at a farm shop.  The trolley full I bought on the Friday morning was almost the same amount as our weekly shopping budget and that’s not fun.  Aside from frozen veg that I already had in the freezer, this stuff also doesn’t last very long, and I hate shopping.  Rainbow eating over a longer period of time would result in more trips to a supermarket which is something I don’t want to entertain.

Money aside, I learnt that salad is boring without mayo.  Moving forward, a tub of coleslaw will be an investment and I’m sure it counts as something if I get a low fat low sugar version.

I was going to make a red cabbage side that even himself will eat.  It has orange juice, raisins and apple in it. That’s got to be a couple of colours for sure.  But the shop didn’t have red cabbage and I forgot it’s not the right season for that.  Purple as a veg colour is hard.

Sandwiches are boring without crisps.  I’m not sure sandwiches are really meals without crisps to be honest.

I was surprised that the first breakfast was so nice.  That mix of fruit with yogurt was delicious.  Going forward, porridge with mixed berries would cover three colours and if I found some nuts or seeds that would add texture.  I get super bored with food really quickly so I’d need to find something to keep changing the texture and presentation of food and I’m not sure I’ve got the imagination for that.

I really liked the sweet potato thing I did for tea on Saturday, it was easy to make and really tasty.  I will make it again for sure.  And not just because I’ve got another sweet potato in the veg rack.

Because I was eating so much veg and fruit, I noticed my meat consumption reduced.  It wasn’t intentional but just happened.  My besties will have opposing feelings about this.  The sweet potato dish for example is supposed to have bacon or a gammon steak chopped up into it, but I just used some left over pancetta from the salmon dish on Friday, so it wasn’t as much as the recipe suggested.  And when I was eating salads, I was happy with the raw nuts as protein.  Chicken is my favourite thing in the world and I’ve not eaten it at all over the three days.

Wearing jeans that I knew were tight made me more conscious about the amounts I was eating.  I didn’t have anything ‘treat’ over these three days – no chocolate, crisps, ice cream, biscuits or cake.   I can’t say that’s been particularly fun but it was part of the process.

As an experience, it was thought provoking and challenging and frustrating and fun all mixed up in a mad mixing bowl of food.  I had to plan ahead more and think about what I was having and allowing time to prepare and rest up.  Food was – to a point – more enjoyable but salads are my sticking point.  They’re boring and dry and I don’t want to feel like I’m eating cardboard.  Another massive issue is that I dislike cooking.  It’s a struggle for me, physically and mentally.  It hurts.  I get no pleasure from cooking.  I hate the fact I’ll wrestle with ingredients and kitchen space for an hour or more and within ten minutes of dishing up, it’s all gone.  I wish hubby would cook more but he won’t.  His idea of cooking is buying a takeaway on a Saturday night.  It’s tough.  I could really do with someone else cooking for me and then I’ll be more open to trying new stuff and I’d feel less angry about how making meals hurts so much.

What has been super lovely is the people that have found this blog and messaged me and told me that they’ve given it a go for a meal or a day.  The statistics have been bonkers.  The supportive comments have been amazing.  Maybe that’s what I need to focus on from now on?  Food rather than the health updates.

June 5, 2017

Day Three update

Posted in June tagged , , , at 11:46 am by viewfromthisdesk

Day Three was tougher than I imagined.  Sunday is the one day hubby is home so we usually have a massive list of jobs to get done.  It’s usually busy and productive.  But yesterday was wet and it meant that all the things we wanted to get done in the garden were difficult and all the house jobs I’d done on Friday and Saturday to keep distracted.  And I’d woken with a banging headache which I didn’t understand.  Doctor Google informed me that drinking eight pints of water was actually a Very Bad Thing.  Turns out, drinking too much water in one day is actually the same as not drinking enough and makes you quite ill.  Fatigue and headaches being the main symptoms.  Ooops.

So Sunday I was careful to keep my intake to three pints.  Which was more difficult than I anticipated.  I’d woken not feeling hungry again which is a bizarre concept for me.  I’m always hungry, always thinking about food and my next meal.  Food is used to celebrate, to cheer me up when I’m sad and to suppress emotions.  Hubby uses it as an apology.  Food is central to everything.

Lunch was a bacon sandwich filled with tomato and lettuce too.  I didn’t take a picture because you all know what a bacon sandwich looks like and equally, I didn’t have a whole rainbow in the meal.

Tea was lovely thought, I made vegetable cous cous and got all the colours in it except purple.  If I knew how to cook aubergines, this would have been a perfect rainbow.  I had a bowl of fruit afterwards so I got all the colours then.

There’s enough left over for me to have this again for tea so that’s something to look forward to.

I’m not sure what three days of rainbow eating has achieved other than making me realise it’s super hard to have purple in every meal.  I love beetroot but can’t have it every meal.  I need to think about this experience and reflect back.

June 3, 2017

Day Two, sponsored by Crayola

Posted in June tagged , , , , at 7:25 pm by viewfromthisdesk

Saturday I woke and I wasn’t hungry.  This is most unusual

Saturday has always been a day of food pleasure.  Breakfast would be pain aux chocolat from Lidl or something involving toast. Always carb centred.  The treat for the weekend.

I foolishly jumped on the scales.  In my head, eating well for one day should automatically result in a half stone weight loss but of course the scales showed no different to the day before.  I told you my relationship with food was twisted.

Saturday is also a day of chores, so I kept busy and drank water and just had zero desire to eat.  By half one I knew this lack of desire should be ignored.  Eating is a vital part of survival after all.

I didn’t want to take a picture of a sandwich.  That’s proper naff.  But I’m looking on this as accountability.  I could tell you I ate a sandwich but I might have secretly shoved crisps and chocolate in my face.  I’ve got to be honest and writing this is forcing that issue.


Not feeling hungry made this meal prep frustrating. But hey ho.

Red – tomato
Orange – carrot in sandwich
Yellow – pepper
Green – lettuce in sandwich
Blue – red cabbage in sandwich
White – spring onion
Tan – brown bread

Two things I learnt from lunch.
1 – a salad is boring without lashings of mayo.
2 – a sandwich is boring without crisps.

But I’ve also challenged myself in a different way, I’ve put on a pair of jeans that I’ve not been able to wear since before holiday in February.  I can do them up without too much issue and they’re snug but not cutting off circulation to legs.  I’ve managed to keep them done up until after tea.  And post-tea is always going to be a pyjamas and dressing gown kind of time anyway.

Tea was my favourite so far of the five rainbow meals that I’ve made, sweet and sticky stuffed sweet potato.  I used half the amount of maple syrup and double the amount of mustard and it was delicious.

Red – peppers
Yellow – peppers
Orange – sweet potato
Green – courgette
Purple – beetroot added post photo
White – mushrooms
Tan – raw cashews

Honestly, it was lush. And quite easy to prepare too. And I might have a small bowl of fruit in a bit if I feel the need but currently I’m super full.

A Colourful Day One

Posted in June tagged , , , , , at 1:06 pm by viewfromthisdesk

So, I survived Day One. Hoorah. All that fruit and veg didn’t kill me.

And I must apologise now. I think that people who take photographs of their food are proper wanky. I can think of nothing more self absorbed than a picture of your dinner.  And yet, I’ve fallen into that category.  I’m trying to justify it in my head by reminding myself that I need pictures for this blog, for people to interact with my challenge and help me.  But I still feel like a pillock.

You all saw my breakfast yesterday, it was tasty and pleasant and whilst my white element of natural yogurt wasn’t strictly accurate, there was no way I was putting banana in my face which is the only white fruit on the lists I’d found.  I figured natural yogurt was a good compromise because it’s good for gut bacteria.  And better than clotted cream in terms of nutrition.

I didn’t find lunch too much of a struggle either, I just made myself a reasonable bowl of salad stuff.  Fairly easy to throw together but I was reminded very quickly why defaulting to beige food is so easy.  Cutting and washing all these veg is hard work.  And I know you will be scoffing that line, what can be difficult about hacking up some items?  But I struggle with my hands, I find it difficult to hold stuff and giving me a sharp knife is a huge liability.  By the time I’d finished cutting stuff, three of my fingers had swollen, my joints were on fire and I really didn’t want to eat, I just wanted to cry and feel sorry for myself.  So this is an added dimension to the challenge for me; healthy eating without hurting myself too much.  I don’t agree with pre-prepared stuff, I think it’s lazy and expensive and a daft concept.  Plus, I’m too stubborn to give in.

So, this is lunch:

This was possibly more easy to do than breakfast.
Red/Pink – tomato
Yellow – sweet peppers
Orange – carrot (I dislike raw carrot massively, so this was a big thing for me)
Green – Lettuce and cucumber
Blue/Purple – Beetroot and red cabbage
White – Spring onions
Tan – Raw peanuts

I again, tried to eat whilst concentrating on my food.  I ate the carrots first because I really dislike raw carrots and I wanted to enjoy my meal, so I got those out the way quickly.  The rest was alright but afterwards, I felt like it had taken forever to eat, I was chewing my food so much more than usual and I was bored of eating by then end of it which is a new concept for me.

The evening meal was one I had to make that would suit both my new challenge and hubby’s need for feeding.  He’s tried to be supportive in this but ultimately, he is a boy and thinks that a comment along the lines of ‘I had a pint of cider, which is apples and therefore green’ is helpful.  Or ‘what colour is a cheese sandwich on white bread with salt and vinegar crisps?’

Neither of us are big fans of fish.  Not proper fish anyway.  We both appreciate it’s super good for us but we’re not bothered about it.

(As an aside, yesterday was apparently national fish and chip day in the UK and national donut day in Canada, why did I start Day One of Rainbow eating on this date?!!?)

But it was Friday and therefore it was fish for tea. This is what I made:

Red/Pink – Salmon.  Yep, it’s so good for us it counts on the rainbow scale, ours is wrapped in pancetta stuff to make it taste nice.
Yellow – corn
Orange – carrot
Green – green beans
Blue/Purple – was blueberries for pudding
White – potato
Tan – missing

I have to confess, I didn’t enjoy this meal at all.  I don’t enjoy fish, I eat it because I know I should.  I eat it because fish from the chippy isn’t the best decision.  And even hubby ate all the veg, the carrots were reluctant on his part and he flicked lots over to me but he did eat some.  I also struggle with the concept of potato being white.  Avoiding carbs is something I actively do when I need to shift weight and so having spuds is a weird thing for me.  I could have had cauliflower but the recipe for the roasted salmon has you bake the fish over the small new potatoes and so it had to be that way. On looking back, my day was gluten free and that doesn’t have good memories for me.

I’ve found myself drinking lots more water too.  I drink lots anyway but I made myself aware of amounts yesterday.  So one pint before breakfast, two pints between breakfast and lunch, two pints between lunch and the evening meal and then another one between the salmon and bedtime.  It may be excessive but water suppresses the hunger feeling.

I’m not going to say day one was easy but I bring my own personal issues to the challenge.  I’m certainly concerned at how beige my life had become but I have a bad relationship with food and beige is safe.  Safe but not good.

 

June 2, 2017

Eating the Rainbow

Posted in June, Weight Watchers tagged , , , , at 12:32 pm by viewfromthisdesk

I’ve often written about my food demons, it’s not a new thing I’m springing onto the world this morning. I really struggle with my weight, it’s never under control, I’m never happy with the numbers on the scales or the way I look or feel.  Even when I finished the ww vouchers and had lost all that weight, I didn’t see the change, I didn’t feel any different and without that routine and structure and pressure to succeed, it’s all gone south.  I’m not as heavy as I was on my wedding day, that’s always been a big number to avoid for me and I’m managing that at least, but it’s still not enough.

I hate the fact that weight can go on in one meal but it then takes two weeks for it to come off.  I have zero patience in life let alone something as huge as body image and weight numbers.

So the other day I was watching something called ‘Doctor in the House’ on BBC.  I stumbled upon this the other week when there was a show about cluster headaches and the most recent one mentioned something called rainbow eating.  It’s all linked to better, healthier eating and getting a better balance of vitamins and stuff into your body.

Chatting to hubby about it, we are very much easy beige eaters.  We need to be better about what is on a plate.  It’s difficult because he only likes peas and doesn’t contemplate salad or fruit.  When I’m cooking – a task I hate – I don’t want to prolong the trauma by cooking stuff for him and other stuff for me, it’s just too much.  So we fall into a trap of not enough veg or fruit in a week, let alone a day.

Rainbow eating is as it sounds, you have to try and within one day eat all the colours – red (and pink), orange, yellow, green, blue (and purple), white and tan.

So this weekend I’m trying rainbow eating in a massive way.  Three days of really making an effort FOR ME.  I have to try something crazy and new to reboot my relationship and attitude to food.  I wish I could afford either a food delivery or a chef thing but it’s not an option.  I’d like to know how to cook new stuff but I don’t have the confidence to try and I find it pointless and unfulfilling when it’s just for me. So, my attitude is – how hard can just three days be?

So this morning I headed off to the supermarket and ended up with a trolley full of fruit and veg which was a new concept to me.  Aside from a tub of natural yogurt and a tin of salmon, this trolley could have been for a vegan I’m sure.

Day One, Meal One.

Red/Pink – strawberries, raspberries and cranberries.
Orange – mandarin oranges.
Yellow -grapefruit.
Green – grapes.
Blue/Purple – blueberries.
White – natural yoghurt. (added after picture)
Tan – raw cashew nuts.

It was tasty but yes, I ate it with a cake fork. I wanted to take my time and consider what I was pushing into my face.  I felt if I used a spoon, I’d just mindlessly shovel.

So between this meal and my next, I have an aim to drink two pints of water and keep busy.  When I’m not occupied I eat and that’s not good.  I need to be distracted but also mindful for three days so that maybe habits are changed.  And then after the two pints I guess I need to start washing and chopping stuff for meal two.

January 25, 2016

January Bucket List

Posted in January tagged , at 10:30 am by viewfromthisdesk

I’ve stopped making resolutions, they never worked out for me too well and I have enough misery-via-failure in my life that I don’t need to add to the pile myself.  A few years ago I started doing a list of ‘x-things in 20x’ which kinda worked out and kinda didn’t.  Some things were beyond my control – like dates for epic Severn Bore events and all my targets for further or maintained weight loss disappeared under a pile of satisfying kit kat chunkies.  And there’s no regret within a kit kat wrapper.

So this year I’m going to do monthly bucket lists.  Maybe if I break stuff down into smaller targets, they might just happen?  So here is January.  Which will probably become February as well because the month is almost over!

* Write Christmas thank-you letters.

Shameful I know, that we’re four weeks on and this hasn’t been done.  In my teenage years, our gifts wouldn’t be ours until we’d written our thank you letters, so it should be part of my very being to write them on Christmas afternoon, or Boxing Day morning at the very latest.  I really wanted to hand write them this year.  I don’t know why I thought that being as I struggled to write a tiny amount of Christmas cards.  I think I’ll be sitting at the computer instead and hope that the recipient is happy with a letter, regardless of whether it’s typed or drunken-dancing-spider scrawl.

* Weed rose beds x2

These beds are tiny.  Honestly.  But weeding is a task I struggle with because of the amount of physical effort it takes; bending down, walking through the garden, grabbing the plant, twisting, pulling, shaking.  Yes I’ve got a gadget that helps but it’s still not doing it for me.  I can’t hire someone to do it for me; I can’t hope it will do it magically overnight itself.  I can’t keep asking friends and family to do it for me.

* Eat somewhere new.

So this is combining a positive thing – my love of food – with a negative – my fear of making plans to go out in case I (choose from a long list of reasons not restricted to) fall over and make a fool of myself, drop cutlery, drop food, start slurring my words, have to cancel because I’m ill, make myself ill because I force myself to go out when I know I’m not 100% because I don’t want people to think badly of me for cancelling plans *again* or the worst one at the moment, have to ask someone to cut up my food because whilst I’m able to be out in polite society, I’m not able to hold cutlery or exert force to cut up my food and don’t want to simply order mashed potato and shovel it like a toddler into my cake-hole.  Eating somewhere new will enable me to make one date plan, manage my time around it, meet up with friends who I don’t see otherwise and then, STUFF MY FACE.  Win-win.

Join me in maniacal laughter when we get to March 1st and these three things didn’t happen.

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