July 1, 2018

June

Posted in June, Monthly update tagged , , , , at 10:47 pm by viewfromthisdesk

June has been busy and frustrating in equal measures.  And we’re now half way through the year and so far, my targets for myself to keep me busy and not thinking and out of the house have been reasonably successful.

Cinema was ‘Deadpool’ and ‘The Book Club’.  Very different films with very different companions!

Theatre nights out were a transmission of Oscar Wilde’s ‘An Ideal Husband’ and then a live performance of Agatha Christie’s ‘Love from a Stranger’.  Apparently it’s not performed very often.  I can understand why.   The lady sat next to me in the interval said ‘Why has no one died yet?’ which was on my mind too.  Then at the end her comment was ‘That was a waste of £31, I’ve not been that bored for a long time’ and I could see her point.  It was slow and the storyline was iffy and I too left feeling disappointed and slightly overcharged.  But it was the theatre and I did it on crutches.

Films were ‘All the Money in the World’ about the Getty kidnapping and ‘The Dinner’ which despite the star names was absolutely awful. The 15:17 to Paris and The Maze Runner: Death Cure.

Books were ‘The Legacy’ by Katherine Webb, ‘The Betrayals’ and ‘Good Girl’ both by Fiona Neill, ‘The Choice’ by Samantha King, ‘Blood Sisters’ and ‘The Killing Type’ by Jane Corry. ‘Where the Missing Go’ by Emma Rowley which was marketed as a psychological thriller but the whole time I was reading it I just kept thinking about the film ‘Room’ and was therefore disappointed. ‘Almost Love’ by Louise O’Neill, ‘My Animals and other Family’ and ‘Walking Home’ by Clare Balding. ‘The Marriage Pact’ by Michelle Richmond was probably my favourite book of the month but a very close runner up was ‘Into the Darkest Corner’ by Elizabeth Haynes. ‘The Kiss Quotient’ by Helen Hoang which sounds rubbish but at 2am it held a decent storyline.

75 books in six months. That’s a mad total to live up to in the next six months!

Music was Supernova a local band, my last night out before the operation. I also had tickets for a Motorhead/Metallica tribute evening and then tickets to see Tequila Mockingbird a band we’ve heard on Planet Rock a fair bit. Alas, I didn’t make it to either of these, the foot for the latter and an ME crash for the former. Hate wasting money. I did manage to go to a Whitesnake/Def Leppard tribute evening gig even on crutches with my stupid foot.

Foot op happened on Monday 4th. Had to be at the hospital for 07.30 and I’m sure I didn’t go to theatre for a good 4 hours. The waiting was the worst (mainly because I just wanted a cup of tea!) but I managed to read three magazines and a whole book so it wasn’t wasted. It was a necessary evil. Except at the original appt, I was told I’d need to stay off it for a couple of days. Fine. But on operation day I was then told I couldn’t drive until at least the end of the week and couldn’t weight bear on it or get my foot wet for two weeks or until my outpatients appointment for the stitches to come out! Less than fine. And then the surgeon drew on my leg with marker pen which is hard enough to get off before you then consider the not getting it wet rule. Thank goodness for tea tree wipes. The operation took place on a Monday and the foot was mostly numb for the rest of the day. Tuesday it got a bit tingly, Wednesday was interesting as I had to go to work for a couple of hours and the only footwear that fitted was my purple slipper boots that a top friend crocheted for me. Utter professionalism there. I’m sure you’ve all twigged by now, I’m not the most patient of individuals and the healing process that causes itching is my downfall. I was grumpy and snappy and quite the cowbag. By Friday I’d learnt that taking ibuprofen two hours after liquid morphine is the best combination for pain management this early in the healing process. Saturday was a nightmare, couldn’t get on top of the pain at all. A week on and I was just about managing but the lack of walking or driving has proved tricky.  If the lump comes back – because it’s not guaranteed that the operation will have cured the issue, I’m not sure I’d want to go through this again – and especially not in the midst of bat season.

Lots of bat stuff: five roost counts, a dawn survey, a dusk survey, a bat walk with fabulous people and epic shoes – there’s a video of the shoes on faceache and I don’t care that I could probably have been seen from space. Plus it was Evesham Bat Care’s fourth birthday on the 21st. I am immensely proud of this group of people and what we’ve achieved. This summer I have a pile of trainees and I can only see this as a positive thing for EBC.  I now have a kitchen full of pups which is really, really exhausting.  They need feeding every three hours and that’s through the night as well.  You can follow the journey of Sparkly, Moley, Blondie, Ted and the HR2 gang on facebook via EBC.

Health wise, it’s been all about the foot.  I can’t even think beyond the foot to be honest.  I just hope ourpatients on the 4th July goes to plan and I get my foot back.

I did do something new and challenging for me this month; I did a journey on my own on trains. I had to go for a meeting during the post-op period and I couldn’t drive so the train was my only choice. And I had to change trains too, it wasn’t a case of get on and get off, it was tricky. I’ve not travelled on my own life this for over 15 years. So it was stressful but a bit exciting and I managed it and I wasn’t late and nothing bad happened. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not wanting to do it again in a hurry but I did it.

I did it.

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June 12, 2018

Finding the strength to say no.

Posted in Health stuff, June tagged , , , , , at 8:26 pm by viewfromthisdesk

It’s a tricky thing to write about but I know I need to. Today I’ve hurt and upset someone which makes me sad but I’m also hurt and a bit angry at their lack of understanding. So I’m going to write about it b’cs that will help me work through my feelings calmly.

Sunday is Father’s Day. Always going to be tricky. So the in-laws have suggested going out for a meal,which is fab. The downside is the place they want to go to is over half an hour away. And I’ve looked at the menu, it’s expensive. I have a mad few days leading up to Sunday and then Monday is my operation and I need to be not stressed out or more knackered over and above the norm. And the only table they can book is half four, so neither lunchtime nor teatime!

I tried to explain I couldn’t travel that far, nor was I comfortable about the prices. I clearly wasn’t very eloquent.

I don’t think I’ve ever said no to them on the grounds of health before. Yes I’ve missed stuff last minute b’cs of migraines or other stuff. I’ve missed events b’cs of diary clashes too. I’ve just never said no in advance. And that’s absolutely my fault. I’ve pushed myself to attend and smile and hide the truth about how I’m feeling. Once I kept my sunglasses on b’cs I felt awful but I didn’t say no.

I don’t ever want to say no to anyone. I want to feel wanted and invited, I equally need people to understand that sometimes things aren’t ideal and I pull out last minute. The illness hasn’t just popped up either, this has been me for eight years now, its not a new situation.

And saying no has been hard. It’s not what I want but I have no other option.

Or do I? Should I have just pulled my big girl pants on and said yes? Am I being selfish in a bad way?

June 8, 2018

First time experiences

Posted in Health stuff, July tagged , , at 8:45 pm by viewfromthisdesk

I think I had my first panic attack today and I didn’t like it.

Part of my M.E. quirkiness is that I get hyper stimulated easily. Especially with light and noise. I guess that’s why bat work suits me – it’s dark and mostly quiet. So I’m quite particular about where I go at certain times and I have precautions I can take to avoid issues.

Today we went to our usual supermarket -it’s not the biggest in town but I can cope with the layout and light levels and everything, I know where everything is, I can write my list in order of the shop so it’s an easy and quick in and out. Except it has all changed.

I immediately felt disoriented – Should be looking at bread but instead it was crisps. Where is the orange juice? Where is the thing we were going to have for tea? The aisles were full of carts and cardboard and people going ‘excuse me, where is the cheese?’

My head started pounding, I got ringing in my ears, my eyes were itching and I just couldn’t concentrate or breathe properly. Quite horrid. It’s  never happened before that I can remember and this experience has spooked me a bit. I feel quite uneasy about what an effect it had on me. AND I HATE IT. Hate how the illness was in control of me. How the simple act of shopping which I was able to do, is now something I’m over thinking and am worrying about. Yes I could do online shopping but I don’t like that very much, that feeds my hermit-ness too much.

May 31, 2018

May list

Posted in May, Monthly update tagged , , , , , , , at 6:14 pm by viewfromthisdesk

May is a strange month. Bat work starts in earnest and I’m usually struggling to adjust my sleep patterns. This year has been no different.

Theatre this month was an NTLive transmission of Macbeth. I umm’d and ahh’d about going after how brilliant the RSC transmission was last month, I was offered a bat survey job the same night too but I went because I love Shakespeare. Alas, I have learnt the hard way that I do not love Rory Kinnear or Macbeth set in a post apocalyptic civil war type zombie setting. I left in the interval and wish I’d said yes to the survey. I also went to see the local am-dram group do an evening called ‘Once upon a song’ which was as the name suggests; different songs from films and musicals etc.

Cinema was ‘The Mercy’ with Colin Firth. Interesting subject matter but some of the camera angles made me feel quite queasy

Music was a band called ‘The Pleasuredome’ who were at an 80’s night fundraising event.

Films I watched were ‘Pitch Perfect’ 2 and 3, ‘Stronger’, ‘Molly’s Game’ which I’d wanted to see at the cinema but never made it and ‘Film Stars don’t die in Liverpool’

Remember last month I took part in a quiz in a pub? We thought 14th out of 16 teams wasn’t too bad.  So we went to the May one and came 5th out of 9 teams. Not sure that’s much better than before but as working that out involves maths, I’m not going to try. I can’t go to the June one because I’ve got a bat thing scheduled but if it rains I guess we’ll end up at the pub.

Books in May were ‘My Husband’s Wife’ by Jane Corry and ‘The Other Woman’ by Sandie Jones – both new authors that I want to now read more by, ‘The Misbegotten’ and ‘The English Girl’ both by Katherine Webb, ‘All fall down’ by Jennifer Weiner which was all about maintaining the perfect facade for the world whilst your life is actually going to pot, was a bit too close for comfort. ‘The Shadow Wife’ by Diane Chamberlain, ‘Never Alone’ by Elizabeth Haynes, ‘In her Wake’ by Amanda Jennings, ‘Close to Home’ by Cara Hunter and ‘The Stranger’ by Saskia Sarginson.  Only ten books this month, slightly more than last month – you can tell my evenings are busy with bat stuff now!

Health wise, it’s much the same, the things that were playing up in April have not really eased up. My joints are bad, even the warm weather hasn’t helped improve matters because when it’s warm I try and do too much which is stupid. I saw a new doctor about the lump on my foot which has been there for about fourteen months. It’s a curious situation as I hate feet – especially my own, so having someone up close and personal was utterly cringe. So it transpires I have a cyst of some fancy name and it’s never going to go away on it’s own or with what my GP and I were doing. So under the knife I will go again. Apparently they have to cut down to the bone joint and remove the cause of the cysts which are usually bone spurs. On occasion, metal rods have to be inserted to immobilize the joint. All under local anesthesia!!! And because Warwickshire NHS are flipping brilliant, I have had my pre op today and actual op booked in for June. Is 2018 my year for removing all my curious lumps and bumps?!

Bat wise its been a tiny bit bonkers. This month I’ve done three bat walks, one bat box check, one roost count, one building survey, two and a half dawn surveys and five dusk surveys. Typing it out doesn’t make it seem like much but I know it felt like much more each week. There has also been the usual increase in care call outs.

My desire to hermit has not gone away and having lots of bat work has helped because it’s dark and no one has to be chatted to for a couple of hours. Except the bat walks, when I have to turn on the charm and enthusiasm then. I’m over thinking things and finding the glass half empty in everything. Comfort eating has returned with vengeance and so my dislike of myself has the added ‘greedy cow, you’re disgusting, of course no one likes you’ layer. I’m avoiding social situations if I can and I’m not sleeping. Nothing like a 3am conversation with yourself to dredge up tonnes of self negativity and criticism. During the day I’m trying to work against these thoughts by focusing on the garden, watching stuff grow, seeing seeds emerge, planting out vegetables, pruning and weeding and supporting. My sweet peas match my clematis which was utterly unplanned but looks beautiful.

This too, shall pass.

 

May 1, 2018

April news

Posted in April, Monthly update tagged , , , , , , at 8:38 am by viewfromthisdesk

The Easter bunny forgot where I lived and I didn’t get any Easter eggs so I’m still sulking as I type this April summary:

Theatre was Wicked at Birmingham Hippodrome for mine and the boy’s 21st anniversary and I also saw a transmission from the RSC of MacBeth.  Possibly the best version of MacBeth I’ve ever seen actually, and I’ve seen it lots.  I also fulfilled my bucket list wish of actually going to the RSC and I saw ‘Duchess of Malfi’ by John Webster, except it wasn’t the main RSC theatre, it was the smaller Swan theatre at the back so I’m not sure if that counts.  I saw the comedian Joel Dommett, he of Celebrity Jungle fame.

Cinema was a fail this month, my own fault because I didn’t want to see Peter Rabbit with my friend because I’d be surrounded by ankle biters and I’m allergic to those.

Music was a Bon Jovi tribute band and the Marabooboo Allstars again.

Films I watched were My Cousin Rachel, Paddington 2, The Limehouse Golem and Flatliners (2017).  It is very true that remakes are not a patch on the originals.

I also took part in a quiz in a pub.  I was impressed that we didn’t come last.  14th out of 16 teams isn’t too bad.  Although I wish we’d come last as they won a unicorn hobby-horse.  Super jealous with that.  It’s hosted every month so apparently we’re going again in May if only to aim for coming higher than 14th.

I was working away the first week of April and the workload is very sporadic, so I have occasions when I can read lots.  Books in April were ‘I See You’ by Clare Mackintosh, ‘The Stolen Marriage’ by Diane Chamberlain, ‘Those Other Women’ by Nicola Moriarty, ‘The Idea of You’ by Amanda Prowse, ‘The Night Falling’ and ‘The Hiding Places’ both by Katherine Webb and ‘The Twins’ and ‘The Other Me’ both by Saskia Sarginson.  Only eight books this month, which isn’t shoddy I know but compared to other months that’s quite poor

Health wise, it’s the same old, same old.  I did too much when it was sunny and suffered as a result.  The old niggles in my hips, back and pelvis have returned so I’m back on the crutches but I have new sparkly black crutches which are pretty cool.  I’ve felt incredibly down this month, really sad and empty.  I’m finding it easier to hide away and hermit than go out and do stuff, which I know you’ll find hard to believe with the list above.  I don’t want to see people, don’t want to talk to people, don’t want to interact or be around others.  I’m finding it tricky to converse or relax.  I just want to hide away.  So I’m setting myself a challenge that May has to be different.  I have to be more positive and approach things from better angles.  I’ll be using social media to help me remember good stuff, asking friends to remind me of good times or memories.  Get them to recommend books or films and be more present.

I also hosted a bat care workshop to try and get more people interested in the magical world of the critters.  Nine people came and crammed into my kitchen, it was not without its worries and stresses – especially with my hermit wish.  Never done one before, didn’t have a clue what I was doing and blagged it spectacularly.  I set it up as a two hour thing and they didn’t leave for three and three-quarter hours instead.  I’d like to hope it’s because they were interested and entertained, not because I locked the doors and hid the keys.

So whilst on the outside I’m presenting a façade of cheerfulness and confidence, inside I’m a bit of a mess if I’m honest.  Getting out of bed and getting into the big wide world is super hard each day – I just want to hide away.  I don’t know why I feel like this, please don’t ask me to explain it because I can’t.  I’m being honest about it, be grateful with that.  I’m going to work hard at it because I want May to be different, I want this to pass.

 

March 31, 2018

March update

Posted in March, Monthly update tagged , , , at 12:12 pm by viewfromthisdesk

I’m not sure if people are really interested in these end of month posts but hey ho, here is my March summary:

Theatre was supposed to be ‘The Duchess of Malfi’ but snow stopped that, hurumpf.  I saw live transmissions of Oscar Wilde ‘Lady Windermere’s Fan’ and then Julius Caeser. I also saw comedians Reginald D Hunter, Bill Bailey and Sarah Millican.

Cinema was ‘I, Tonya’.

Music was Dan Reed & Danny Vaughan from Tyketto which was an amazing evening. Also Marabooboo Allstars who are a local band I’ve seen before.

Films I watched were ‘Wonder Woman’, ‘Hampstead’, ‘Gifted’, ‘The Shack’, ‘Daddy’s Home 2’ and ‘Una’

I’d challenged myself to read new authors this month.  I started with ‘A Secret Garden’ Katie Fforde who isn’t new but her book had the borrower receipt in it which inspired finding those books that someone else had read. One of those was ‘The Marble Collector’ by Cecelia Ahern.  I also read ‘A Daughter’s Secret’ by Eleanor Moran which was my first new author, ‘The Quality of Silence’ by Rosamund Lupton, ‘A Country Escape’ by Katie Fforde, ‘The Affair’, ‘Goodbye Gift’ and ‘The Missing Husband’ by Amanda Brooke, ‘My Husband the Stranger’ by Rebecca Done, ‘The Fifth Letter’ by Nicola Moriarty, ‘The Dark Angel’ by Elly Griffiths, ‘The Mistress’s Revenge’ by Tamar Cohen, ‘Last Kiss Goodbye’ by Tasmina Perry, ‘A Half Forgotten Song’ by Katherine Webb, ‘Secret Lives’ by Diane Chamberlain, ‘The Next Best Thing’ by Jennifer Weiner, ‘See Me’ and ‘Two by Two’ by Nicholas Sparkes another new author although I’ve seen plenty of his films adaptations, ‘No Place to Hide’ by Susan Lewis and ‘Small Great Things’ by Jodi Picoult. Twenty books in one month.

Health wise, I was super disappointed when my injections were cancelled on March 2nd because of the wretched snow.  This was reschedualled for the 16th instead. Dr Milne was very impressed with the scar sites, he claimed he couldn’t see where he operated. So I had some more steroids injected, I bled everywhere and then complained all evening about how itchy and annoying my ears were. The scars and surrounding areas were purple and bruised and sore the days after but he doesn’t think he’ll need to see me again – I’m welcome to just make an appointment if I’m concerned. I’m hoping this is the end of it though.

I had a random text message from my doctors saying I needed to have an MMR injection.  Now, I’m sure I had this when I was about ten back when it was very new but they couldn’t find a record of it and because there’s a measles outbreak at the moment, it was better for me to potentially have the injection twice than to catch measles and die.  It was a very cheerful experience.

The headaches have eased still but I’m struggling to get decent sleep, I’m not falling asleep very  well and then getting short nights. I’m grumpy and miserable but don’t know what to do about it just yet other than persevere and wait for things to return to whatever normal is.

I also had to see a new dermatologist about another lump I’ve had for a while.  It was also a new hospital to visit on my hospitals in the surrounding areas bingo card.  Lovely doctor, clearly only just graduated medical school and not been beaten down by the system into a drink dependency existence yet.  He poked it, went ‘hmmm’ took a photo and said he’ll refer me to Orthopaedics instead. The waiting begins again. I’ve got an appointment for early May.

So in the space of a week I had the MMR injection, my ears injected and my new(ish) lump poked at.

On the day of my last ears appointment, I had my first bat care call. It was actually a good call in the end,the bat had escaped through the thumb hole of the shoebox and flown beautifully around the finders kitchen before I arrived so I just gave him a check over and relocated him into a convenient bat box on the table wall of the house. Out of three calls this month, at least one had a happy ending.

Reading this, I’m impressed with how much I’ve done. I know it’s an exceptional month and come May, it’ll be an empty diary aside from bat stuff. Keeping busy is good and I know I’ve read so much because I’m not sleeping well. I’m hoping that April is less books and more sleep for sure!

February 28, 2018

February summary

Posted in February, Monthly update tagged , , , , , , at 1:05 pm by viewfromthisdesk

Continuing the theme of letting you all know what I’ve been up to, here is my February summary:

Theatre was ‘Flashdance’ at Cheltenham Everyman which was great. I also saw a live RSC transmission of ‘Twelfth Night’ which was very funny and an NTLive transmission of ‘Cat on a Hot Tin Roof’which was good but a bit thought provoking and raw for my state of mind at the time.

Cinema was ‘Three Billboards outside Ebbing, Missouri’ which was really good if a bit dark.

Music was a Rammstein tribute band and a band called ‘Satellite Down’

Films I watched were ‘John Wick 2’, ‘Table 19’, ‘Spinal Tap’, ‘The Last Word’ and ‘Seven Pounds’. I wouldn’t necessarily recommend any of them.

I’d set myself the target of reading at least one autobiography in February and in the end, I read two very different ones.  Books I finished were ‘The Husbands Secret’, ‘The Last Anniversary’ and ‘Three Wishes’ all by Lianne Moriarty, ‘My Autobiography’ by Guy Martin, ‘The Day you Saved My Life’ by Louise Candlish, ‘How to be Champion’ by Sarah Millican, ‘Things I’d Wished I’d Known’ by Linda Green, ‘The House on Sunset Lake’ and ‘The Proposal’ both by Tasmina Perry, ‘And Then it Happened’ by Linda Green, ‘The Other Woman’ by Laura Wilson, ‘My Everything’ by Kate Marsh, ‘At the Waters Edge’ by Sara Gruen and ‘Human Remains; by Elizabeth Haynes.  This last book was addictive, I couldn’t put it down even before the twist happened and then you were just waiting to see how it all overlapped and came together.

Health wise, it’s been a curious mixture.  The second lot of injections made my ears go purple and bruised and scabby which I wasn’t overly pleased with but three weeks on that’s all faded and they look okay again now.  I do need more people to notice how flat and tidy my ears look though!  I have another appointment on the 2nd March which I hope will be my last one.  I’ve spent over a months wages on each ear now and I really, really need the spending to stop.

I’ve not had any major headaches all month which I’m super pleased about.  I’m beginning to wonder if my headaches are linked to my mental health and stress levels, it will be interesting to see how the headaches behave over the next few months as bat season starts up again and I get busier.

I succumbed to the coughing-flu lurgy that has been doing the rounds, I don’t think many people escaped that.  It was tough to keep well during that; too much coughing would trigger an asthma attack and not enough coughing just meant I was choking on nothing.  My whole being felt like I’d been in a fight and I ended up with a few days off work just being horizontal and trying not to breathe or move.  My ME obviously wasn’t great during this time but I couldn’t manage anything to any degree.

January 31, 2018

January summary

Posted in January, Monthly update tagged , , , , , at 4:28 pm by viewfromthisdesk

In my end of year post I wrote about how I needed to be selfish, do more for me. My targets were:

* one theatre experience a month.

* one music or cinema experience a month.

* tea and cake with friends.

Unofficially, I also wanted to read more. A friend signed up to do a reading challenge of two books a month which I thought was brilliant but I didn’t set myself a target.

In 2018 I started keeping a diary, not a ‘Dear Diary’ kinda thing but more a medical tracker and emotional calculator. Brilliant for keeping notes on all the extra medications I took for whatever reasons. This was also useful for noting down the positives that happened in terms of film, theatre and books.

So my January summary:

Theatre was a transmission of Oscar Wilde’s ‘A Woman of no Importance’ which I enjoyed much more than I thought I might even if I did ask loads of questions. I also saw ‘Strangers on a Train’ at the Alexandra Theatre. This is a classic apparently and was turned into a Hitchcock film.

Cinema was ‘The Greatest Showman’ which was brilliant.

Music was an AC/DC tribute band.

I also found a new films on DVD by post provider which has been really good, I’ve missed Lovefilm envelopes and our broadband is rubbish so streaming films isn’t an option.

Films I watched were ‘White House Down’, ‘New Year’s Eve’, ‘Girl’s Trip’ (not recommended) ‘Love is Strange’, ‘Enduring Love’ (not even a very young Daniel Craig could make it tolerable) ‘Flatliners’ (the original 1990 version), ‘Pressure’ and ‘House’.

Books I finished were ‘The Ghost Fields’, ‘The Woman in Blue’ and ‘The Chalk Pit’ all by Elly Griffiths who is one of my favourite authors. Also ‘The Art of Hiding’ by Amanda Prowse, ‘Mystery in the Village’ by Rebecca Shaw, ‘Summer at Sea’ by Katie Fforde, ‘Diary of an Unsmug Married’ by Polly James which was so rubbish I almost gave up at least five times, ‘Precocious’ by Joanna Barnard, ‘The Swimming Pool’ by Louise Candlish and ‘The Wrong Girl’ by Laura Wilson.

I held a crafternoon for MIND which was fun. I raised just under a hundred pounds which was overwhelming. The just giving page is still open if you want to add to the fund. Just search for me on the just giving website. We decorated fairy doors, there were sequins and gems and flowers and pens and watercolour pencils everywhere. And maybe some biscuits – M&S ones no less!

Health wise, it’s been tricky. Post-op itching aside, the ears haven’t been too bad although I did announce at 3am about ten days after the op that I regretted having them done because I couldn’t sleep on either side which is my default and preferred sleeping position. The steroid injections were super painful and horrid. There are no words to describe how awful the experience of twelve injections in each ear actually is. As much as I complain about this process or winge about the cost, it has absolutely been worth it. I feel like I’m a different person, I don’t need to hide, I am worthy.

I have been struggling with headaches again though. First one was five days then three and a bit days long with one non-headache day between but I don’t think it’something I need to see the doctor about yet, I am fairly sure I know what caused them. My first incapacitating day was the 23rd so rather than dwell on how pants that day was, let’s focus on how I managed all those days in the month before without succumbing to the dark duvet palace.

The last week of January I picked up some sort of lurgy, the usual sore throat, bunged up nose, red eyes, sore sinuses. It’s hard being positive and cheerful when one looks and feels like crap.

My ME has been more tricky to manage, I’m struggling to maintain an even keel. I’m quite fed up, quite grumpy and emotional, I can’t stand crying for no reason but it seems to be a thing. I’m not controlling my pain levels, I’m not sleeping well, I’m just not managing.

So I’m back to a day by day, hour by hour plan. I’ll survive. I’ve gotten this far, one more day is possible too.

October 26, 2017

Music makes everything better

Posted in October tagged , , at 1:07 pm by viewfromthisdesk

A couple of weeks ago I went to a concert.  The usual challenges occurred but I had an amazing time.  Music is absolutely a magical and powerful thing.  I heard songs for the first time even though I’ve sung along with them on my ipod for years.  I heard lyrics in a different way, I laughed, I cried, I had my heart broken and left feeling happy and sad in equal measures.  It was just a beautiful few hours.

Since then, my ipod seems to be in tune with my emotional well being.  The songs it shuffles out are so meaningful and deep.  It really has helped me deal with some thoughts and issues that have been flying around my brain recently.  And I’ve gotten goosebumps during songs, I’ve cried as I’ve sung along, I’ve woken up to how I’m feeling about life, the universe and everything.

And then I found this totally by accident but totally at the right time.

I thought about doing this as a once a day thing on social media but then I realised I’d forget to do it one day or something else would happen and equaly it would get boring or lost.  So I’m doing it once, here.

And because this is my blog and I make the rules, I may have tweaked a couple of them.  And I may have more than one answer or used an album instead of a song.  However, my one self imposed rule is that I cannot use an artist twice which was super tough.

Day 1 – a song you like with a colour in the title
– Blackbird by Alter Bridge
Day 2 – a song you like with a number in the title
– Highway 20 Ride by Zac Brown Band
Day 3 – a song that reminds you of summertime
– Goodbye Earl by Dixie Chicks
Day 4 – a song that reminds you of someone you’d rather forget
– War of the Worlds Soundtrack *Note – this isn’t a person I’d rather forget but a period of my life
Day 5 – a song that needs to be played loud
– Enter Sandman by Metallica
Day 6 – a song that makes you want to dance
– My Life Would Suck Without You by Kelly Clarkson
Day 7 – a song to drive to
– Backstreet Symphony by Thunder / the entire Hysteria album by Def Leppard
Day 8 – a song about drugs or alcohol
– Whiskey Lullaby by Brad Paisley and Alison Krauss
Day 9 – a song that makes you happy
– Days Go By – Keith Urban
Day 10 – a song that makes you sad
– You Should Be Here by Cole Swindell
Day 11 – a song you never get tired of
– Abandon by Dare
Day 12 – a song from your pre-teen years
– One and Only by Chesney Hawkes *Note – as cringe as this is, it’s all I sang aged 10 and 11
– Blood on Blood by Bon Jovi *Note – this is my teenage years, not pre-teen.
Day 13 – a song you like from the 70’s
– Romeo and Juliet by Dire Straits *Note – I changed this to the 80’s
Day 14 – a song you’d love to be played at your wedding
– You are My Woman – Danko Jones
Day 15 – a song you like that’s a cover by another band
– Sound of Silence by Disturbed *Note – this was the first question I answered.  It’s beautiful.
Day 16 – a song that’s a classic favourite
– Summer of 69 by Bryan Adams
Day 17 – a song you’d sing as a duet with someone in karaoke
– Dead Ringer for Love by Meat Loaf and Bonnie Tyler *Note – not that I’d ever do karaoke
Day 18 – a song from the year you were born
– I was Made for Lovin’ You by Kiss *Note – thank you Google!
Day 19 – a song that makes you think about life
– Home by Daughtry
Day 20 – a song that has many meanings for you
– In Case You Didn’t Know – Brett Young
Day 21 – a song you like with a person’s name in the title
– Carrie by Europe / Lola Montez by Volbeat
Day 22 – a song that moves you forward
– Affirmation by Savage Garden
Day 23 – a song you think everyone should listen to
– 12 Redneck Days by Jeff Foxworthy *Note – I don’t think I should make anyone listen to anything because we all have different thoughts on music and taste.  I didn’t want to answer this question but this song is funny and is only played in December.
Day 24 – a song by a band you wish was still together
-November Rain by Guns N Roses *Note – I’m rubbish at whether a band is still together or not because in my opinion if it’s not the original line up it’s not the same band, so Bon Jovi without Richie Sambora is not Bon Jovi for example.  And Google says GNR have split up.
Day 25 – a song you like by an artist no longer living
– Hurt by Johnny Cash / Heavy is the Head by ZBB ft Chris Cornell
Day 26 – a song that makes you want to fall in love
– Faithfully – Journey
Day 27 – a song that breaks your heart
– Things my Father Said by Black Stone Cherry
Day 28 – a song by an artist whose voice you love
– Just Might (Make Me Believe) by Sugarland because Jennifer Nettles is amazing.  But everyone needs to hear Sky Hunter sing from StoneWire.
Day 29 – a song you remember from your childhood
– What About Love by Heart
Day 30 – a song that reminds you of yourself
– All Kinds of Kinds by Miranda Lambert / Strong Enough by Cher

 

Some questions were easier than others.  Some I really struggled with.  And there are artists that I’ve wanted to include but haven’t and feel guilty about that.  But I have 3428 songs on my ipod, it was a tricky task but such fun.  I’d like to know your thought on my list.  Did it make you listen to any new tunes?  What would your answers be?  Email me, introduce me to new artists and songs.  Share the magic.

August 24, 2017

Things are far from ideal

Posted in August, Health stuff tagged , , , , , at 12:56 pm by viewfromthisdesk

It’s no secret I like food.  You only have to glance at me to know food is high on my list of daily obsessions.  And these curves take some maintaining, it has to be said.

So when I go off food, it’s a glaring red light that I should pay attention to.

Since first thing Sunday, I’ve had a continual feeling of nausea.  I can’t taste anything and I’m just not hungry.  The smell of food is making me more queasy.  And I’m not sleeping.  Yeah, back to that hilarious combination of ME and insomnia.

I don’t know where this not sleeping, not eating thing has come from.  Friday night I had an amazing night at a concert seeing an artist I honestly never thought I’d see perform live.  Saturday I had a wonderful day at friends’ wedding – it was a fun day full of laughter and love.  So much positive energy from two excellent dates.  But Sunday I felt dreadful and I thought I was just suffering the effects of two big days so I just took it easy and rested up for many hours and hoped it would pass.

But then Monday rolled around.  I’m forcing myself to eat breakfast so I can take meds.  I’m not wanting to eat lunch or tea and I know it’s not an ideal situation.  This continues into Tuesday and Wednesday.  This morning (Thursday) I’ve established I’ve lost 3lbs since Saturday morning.  Usually I’d be delighted but I know that it’s not healthy.  My jeans aren’t fitting and I just feel empty.  Lost even.

This morning after yet another rubbish, broken night of not-sleeping, I’ve resorted to taking my anti-nausea meds.  These are kept in my emergency crash box so that’s not a good start.  I ate porridge so I could take them but I couldn’t taste it and I didn’t enjoy it – I was eating because I had to.  And then I made a sandwich for lunch which I have no intention of eating if I’m honest.  I was dry heaving whilst making it, the smell just turned my stomach.  The thought of eating it is horrendous.  Maybe I’ll convince myself and those around me that I’ll eat it for tea.

It’s one thing to not be eating.  It’s another to throw not sleeping into the mix as well.  I’m at the crazy point of bat season.  I have weeks left before I too can hibernate until spring.  I need to be vertical and coping.  Not sleeping is not what is needed right now.  And to have this many awful nights in a row (6 and counting) is worrying me.

But.

And it’s a big but.

I don’t feel tired.  Usually after just one bad night, I’d be asleep in the afternoons, I’d be unable to go to work, I’d be unable to speak properly.  At the moment, none of that is happening, I’m just not sleeping.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying I feel well, I just don’t feel as bad as I should be.  Aside from the ever constant metallic I’m-going-to-be-sick taste and the churning in the stomach sensation I am remarkably upright.  It was even commented on survey the other night that I’d not been seen so bouncy and looking so good for a couple of years.  It was high praise and I basked in it but knew it’s not the truth.

So I don’t know what is going on with me right now.  All I know is it’s far from ideal.  I’m not asking for hints or tips on sleeping and/or eating, I’ve tried them all I assure you.  I’m just letting you know I’m not right and your support and witty messages are appreciated.

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