October 4, 2017

A double-edged sword

Posted in Health stuff, October, Weight Watchers tagged , , , at 11:50 am by viewfromthisdesk

I’ve shared recently about my eating issues – it’s been a really tricky six and a bit weeks if I’m honest.

I have gotten over the permanent nausea feeling, this just comes and goes now and is triggered by new smells usually.  There’s no consistency to what triggers the nausea though so I can’t avoid it.  And I’ve not been ill physically, I just feel rotten but eventually it passes.

But I still don’t want to eat.  I have no desire to eat, I have no urge to apply to face.  It’s really odd.  I’m eating because I know I have to.  There’s no taste, there’s no pleasure, it’s just a requirement of life and I hate it.  I really despise the fact I’m forcing the situation.  I don’t think this is linked to my ME or my fibro either.  The insomnia is but this weird not eating thing is different.

I love food.  I love the companionship of a meal with friends.  I hate the cutlery struggles and the efforts of sitting still but eating has always been a great positive.

And the double edged sword?  Weight loss.

I’ve lost half a stone in the six and a bit weeks.  No one has noticed and that’s pants because half a stone is a decent chunk.  I’m wearing jeans that I haven’t worn for five years and I’m sure I look different.  I’ve tried to tell myself that people don’t see the gradual change but even people I’ve not seen for ages haven’t noticed.  It hurts because I want that positive reassurance about my life.  No, I *need* that positive reassurance.  I know asking girls about their weight is a bit taboo but this girl wants to know.  This girl wants to understand they’re not insignificant, that they haven’t faded into the wallpaper, that they are noticed.

I’m unsure as to how to view this current situation.  I’m struggling to be positive because it’s not fun.  And I’m having this dilemma in my head that if I think ‘I could aim for this target weight by this date’ that I’m encouraging the not eating.  I’m sure this is just my over thinking things and being particularly sensitive right now but I promise you all, I want to eat, I want to be that greedy lass you all know and love.  I don’t like not eating because I feel sick or don’t feel hungry.  It’s not me.

It’s a tricky situation because I don’t know how to manage it.  I want people to notice the weight loss and make some comment.  I want someone to slap my bum as I walk past in these gorgeous levi jeans and say ‘looking good’ or wolf whistle at me.  Sexist and derogatory as that it, I just want noticing.  But I don’t want you to notice I’m not eating.  I don’t want you to ask what I managed to force down today.  I don’t want any comments about how half a sandwich isn’t enough or I leave half my meal because I’m super full.

So notice me but don’t notice the details. What could possibly go wrong with that request?!

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June 8, 2017

Revenge of the Rainbow

Posted in June tagged , , , , , , at 11:46 am by viewfromthisdesk

It really is as sinister as the title suggests.

Yesterday I decided to have a non-rainbow breakfast.  I wanted to see how – if at all – I was affected by non rainbow foods, either physically or mentally.  I suppose I was testing to see if my attitude to food had changed, so buy eating something that I knew wasn’t brilliantly good for me, would I feel guilty or inspired to counteract it and run a marathon or something.

So I had hot cross buns for breakfast.  They smelt delicious in the toaster; the spices, the bread goodness.  Yummy.  And then paired with a layer of budget-supermarket-own-brand-Lurpak-type-product it was just heaven on a plate, I could not wait to just shove it into my face.

However, I have learnt to take my time over food and savour the different levels of senses.  It didn’t make a noise so I was entirely enraptured by the look and the smell before the taste.  It was beautiful.

My first bite.  My very first bite.  Oh my taste buds exploded with joy.  And then a crunch and a weird metallic taste and ….. pain.

My mouth was on fire.  The sensation in my mouth was horrid.


I had taken a chunk out of the inside of my lip.  It’s just over 1cm square which for someone with a delicate sized mouth like mine, is a fairly massive lump.

I’d like to say that the rest of my hot cross bun breakfast was left on the table whilst I tended to the medical emergency, but it was not.  I can say that hot cross buns with a blood coating are not tasty.

My lip yesterday swelled on the one side, it was super painful to drink hot tea or even warm tea so it was another water day and eating wasn’t fun so I just had cauliflower cheese for tea.  This morning, it’s less oozy and less frequently bleeding so hopefully it will heal up soon.

 

Will accept tubs of ice cream as sympathy and love.

January 12, 2017

January again

Posted in January tagged , , at 11:52 am by viewfromthisdesk

Almost a year ago I wrote a post about death.  At the time, there had been many high profile celebrity passings and society was in shock at the loss of talent.  For me, the date that I wrote was the anniversary of my Dad’s death and as this looms on the horizon again I find myself in a pretty dark place.

Celebrity deaths last year were frequent and many people were upset at these.  Music and the arts affects us all, we each have a song that takes us to a magical memory, a favourite film or album for all occasions.  I must confess, I wasn’t upset at any of these.  Shocked and surprised for a moment, but never upset.  Growing up, death has just been one of those things and for a long while I’ve wondered if I’m immune to feeling any emotion when it comes to death, I’m all out of feeling, I used it all up.

But at the end of January 2016, Patch Cat died.  It was a Sunday afternoon, we were not with her.  She was 16 and had been everyone’s favourite cat.  She loved boys, tolerated girls and would run off in an open van in a heartbeat.  She did honestly once elope with the RAC man who had come to fix next door’s car once.  If you were allergic to cats, she loved you more.  She was old but was the Peter Pan of cat-ness.  She always wanted to play and had this look on her face that was always kitten like.  She wanted nothing more than to chase after a scrunched up ball of paper or to lie as close to the brick hearth of our open fire as possible, even if it meant singeing her whiskers on occasion.

Pirate Cat didn’t seem bothered that her sister had died.  They were never close to the point of ever curling up together.  They had their own favourite places and these never overlapped.  Pirate had a permanently worried look about her, she was much more quiet and took her time getting to know people.  It wasn’t that she liked girls more than boys, she didn’t like anyone much because she just didn’t trust anyone.

But Pirate Cat chose me.  She would let me fuss her, she would on occasion sit near me.  A few years back, this progressed to sitting next to me on the arm of the sofa on the condition that I didn’t move, attempt to stroke her or acknowledge that she was there.  And then one day, she sat on me.  We must have had the cats for at least ten years, if not more by this point.  It was for less than a minute but I remember the shock and excitement like it was yesterday.  Neither hubby nor I could believe it had happened.  She was not a lap cat.

And then I got ill.  And whilst I had been ill for a bit, it was around the time that I was not managing my crashes particularly well.  I was not listening to anyone and I was just in a cycle of making myself progressively worse.  Hubby got me to sit on the sofa one day and all of a sudden Pirate Cat was sat on me.  I was so shocked that I didn’t move.  And so it began.

Pirate Cat became a kind of service cat if that makes sense.  Her sitting on me made me stop.  It became a statement in our house that ‘Pirate Cat says rest’ and it was the only thing I’d listen to.  No human could get me to take any notice of how I was feeling or how bad I was making myself.  On occasion, hubby has come home to find me asleep on the sofa/floor/bed with Pirate Cat on guard.  She wouldn’t leave me until he’d acknowledged her.  It was like she was making sure he knew he was responsible for me now.  She would calm me, look after me and make sure I knew I was to stop.  She was the cat guard of my duvet palace.

Just before Christmas, Pirate Cat was noticeably old.  We had celebrated her living with us for 16 years in November and knew that as she was at least 17, this was a proper stonkingly good age for a mog.  She slept more, she ate less, her joints began to click more than mine.  The tables had turned and it was us that was looking after her.

Last Friday, at 6.20pm, Pirate Cat died.  The details are irrelevant, but we were both with her.  We said thank you and goodbye and she just deflated away.  I haven’t cried the way I did on Friday for decades.  She has left an enormous hole in my life that I’m struggling to cope with.  Last night I apologised for sneezing because sneezes made her jump, then I remembered she wasn’t in the living room to be startled by it.  She used to let herself in the downstairs loo and lick the back of the door, we have no idea why, she did it all her life but she would often get stuck because she’d lick the door shut.  Before we left the house, we’d have to make sure this door was properly shut and I’m still checking it each morning.  I am leaving the bedroom door open just in case she wants to curl up in the duvet even though she hadn’t made it upstairs since late November.  I’m convinced I hear her clicking along the laminate in the hall.  I was certain I saw her the other night walking around the edge of the sofa.  Hubby and I have both heard her chattering in the night and then remembered it’s Jack from down the row, not Pirate.

I’m not ready to think about new cats.  I don’t want new cats, I want Patch and Pirate back.  I don’t want it to feel like I’m replacing them.  I’m sure in time it will happen, it certainly is very odd having a cat-free dwelling and it is true that ‘a house without a cat isn’t a home’ for us.

In the meantime, I’ve found a company that does memorial jewellery and I’m in the process of sorting that.  It isn’t cheap and I’m going to ask to friends and family to consider getting me a bead instead of birthday and/or Christmas gifts this year.  Certain colours mean different things in the honouring of Pirate Cat and it’ll mean she’s always with me.

January 14, 2015

Random acts of Kindness

Posted in January tagged , , , , at 11:51 am by viewfromthisdesk

Last year I tried to do this.  I sent some cards, gave some flowers, tried to surprise people and say ‘thank you’ and ‘I appreciate you’ and make them smile.

I didn’t truly appreciate how fabulous this activity is until just now.  I was honest last week and said I wasn’t great, which wasn’t a lie.  Wednesday through to Saturday evening were totally written off.  I made it to the rugby on Saturday but I was held together with neoprene and held up by crutches and friends.  I didn’t jump up and down, I didn’t expend too much energy on the game, I just enjoyed mud-covered fit-men and felt proud of myself that I’d made it out.  Sunday wasn’t ideal, I was able to move around by clinging to walls or hubby. I had to turn down a bat activity which just about ruined me emotionally.

Monday was AofK #1.  A friend had treated me to a spa day and it was lovely.  I’ve never been a girly-girl and so this was an interesting experience.  I had a gorgeous massage and delish afternoon tea.  I felt spoilt.  When I got home I had a banging headache which I put down to not drinking enough through the day but I couldn’t shift it.  Early to bed for me with rather a large handful of painkillers.

Yesterday was AofK #2.  All through December and into January I’d been entering competitions to win a certain set of cups on the internet.  I was desperate to win these blinking cups.  And I didn’t, but a friend did and I was horribly jealous.  My headache from Monday hadn’t abated all day and I was feeling really down.  I was utterly beaten into a mess of pain and emotion.  I was falling asleep at my desk and was begging to be taken home.  All I wanted to do was go to bed and never wake up, I felt that pathetic and rubbish.  So I was put to bed and hubby woke me at 6pm to feed me.  Yesterday, whilst I was at work, a box was left with my neighbour which hubby fetched whilst I was asleep and within said box were two of these cups.  I cried with happiness, I really did.

I felt so touched, so blessed to have these people in my life.  I felt fantastic – my cheeks hurt from smiling so broadly.  I felt humbled; the whole ‘why me?’ thing flying around my brain, battling for space with my headache.  So, if you have the opportunity to do something nice, do it.  Just do it because not only will you feel brilliant, your recipient will feel a thousand times more brilliant.  And if you want to practise your random acts of kindness on me, I’m not going to object 🙂

January 8, 2015

Being honest

Posted in Health stuff, January tagged , , , , , , , , , at 1:44 pm by viewfromthisdesk

I’ve being going on for years about how I need to be more honest about how I’m feeling and how I can’t use the phrase ‘I’m fine’ to cover all my lies.

So, deep breath ….. today is a bad day.

There you go.  It’s out there.  It’s flying around like an enormous neon sign, telling the world that I’m really rather useless and pathetic and rubbish.

Last night I got home from work feeling okay, I fetched firewood, lit a fire, watched some tv and then slept for nearly two hours.  Spent the rest of the evening feeling groggy, nauseous and cold.  Went to bed and slept for twelve hours.  Failed to get up for work at the appropriate time and didn’t wake until 11.59am.

I now feel utterly rubbish.  Weak as a kitten, groggy and fuzzy and ache like I’ve been in a fight.  Really light sensitive and my hands and wrists are KILLING me.  Couldn’t put my work trousers on because after fastening my bra, I couldn’t work the zip and buttons.  So I’m in the office with soft trousers and a jumper.  Get me looking professional as heck.

If ever there was a time I wanted to be able to crawl back into a cave and hide and cry and pretend that reality isn’t happening, this is it.  Honesty is horrid.

December 28, 2014

So many numbers

Posted in December tagged , , , , , at 11:57 am by viewfromthisdesk

This is apparently my 75th post and it’s 4 years since I started writing this blog.  I know I’m erratic in my postings and emotions but isn’t that just life anyway?

2014 has been tough on a personal level. I’ve struggled with my illness and been frustrated with my abilities on what feels like a constant basis.  I have gotten to a point in my bat consultant role that I’m gaining clients by myself and booking jobs up ‘in the future’ (ie next week) but then I find myself exhausted and stressing out from the pressure I put myself under.  Stupid I know.

Physically, I’m getting used to the pains and aches and mouth alcers and blinding cluster headaches.  I don’t like them and I don’t like taking the pills to fix them but I know it’s the only solution.

Most of all this year, my emotional roller coaster has driven me up the wall.  Mood swings, short temper and crying for no reason is not something I’ve dealt with since I was a teenager with PMT.  I can’t seem to put a lid on it or get it under control.

So 2015 needs to be a year of patience both by me and with me.  I need to remember how far I’ve come and how much I’ve grown as a person these last few years.  I need to keep looking at my gratitude jar and thinking about the good stuff and the good people in my life.  2015 will be my third jar and I’m hoping it will be as crammed as the other two years.

August 27, 2014

All change

Posted in August tagged , , , at 10:09 am by viewfromthisdesk

I was going to tell you about some fabulous bat related news that I got and also upload pictures from the hot wax treatment I had last week so you could all understand why I like it so.

But then this morning  I had some horrid news and I’m utterly numb.

 

The day after the twilight walk, I learnt that my friend had an aggressive form of cancer.  She deliberately didn’t tell me until after the walk because she wanted the walk to be full of giggles and smiles and fun.  She knew I’d get melancholy about her and how horrid this illness is.  We didn’t see each other much, but I was there when she got engaged and I was stood by her side on her wedding day in a frock.  She made her husband so very happy and we thought he’d never fall in love again.  I hadn’t seen her since our trip to Lundy for Christmas 2012 because I was struggling with my diagnosis, they were moving house and life generally got in the way.

We’d been emailing lots though.  She’d read this blog and send me a note about what she’d read and she’d share with me her latest appointment news, be it scan discussions or new drugs.  With her last email, they were talking about a new drug, a new one which would help give her more time whilst it halted the progression (as I understood it) but I learnt that she never managed to start this treatment and that she never managed to start her palliative plan either.

But, positively – she did get to spend her grandson’s first birthday with him recently and I know that would have meant the world to her.

So, if you’re reading this because you consider ourselves to be friends then thank you for sticking by me.  Thank you for being there for me whilst I’ve been grumpy and stroppy and stubborn.  Friends that don’t mind that you’re in your pyjamas and haven’t brushed your hair for a couple of days are special.  The sky gained a new star last night.

P&S

July 21, 2014

Weekend reflections

Posted in July tagged , , , at 12:01 pm by viewfromthisdesk

* Love thunder and lightening storms.  Nature at it’s most powerful and beautiful.  Although I don’t love how it’s trashed my roses!

* Am reconnecting with peeps.  My illness has made me withdrawn and unwilling to connect with others.  I can’t be the person I used to be so I’d rather be nothing to them.  But that isn’t healthy for either side.

* Went out for a grown up dinner on Saturday for a friend’s birthday.  I didn’t drop anything, I wore a frock I’d never worn before (I know, another frock!) and it was at a gorgeous converted Art-Deco place.  Love art-deco and the food was lushious too.  Can’t wait to return 🙂

* Good news I had hinted at on Thursday seems to becoming reality.  If hubby agrees that is.

* Have reached out to friends this weekend for emotional support and advice.  Have admitted to true feelings and whilst they are hurtful and raw for me, I know my friends will get me through.

* Managed to avoid an impulse shopping buy.  Had an email from my fave online jewellery company with a picture of some earrings included.  Wanted these earrings lots.  So … email landed Thursday night, I go to purchase on Friday morning and there are none available.  Little note to them ‘when are they back in?’ reply – ‘they’ve been discontinued’.  Errrr, you what?!!?  Needless to say, I wasn’t best pleased and told them so.  Oops.

July 3, 2013

Quite frankly, it all sucks

Posted in Gluten Free, June, Weight Watchers tagged , , , , , , at 2:50 pm by viewfromthisdesk

Rant warning:

 

Being GF is rubbish.  The food is boring (apart from the sausages, but a girl can’t live on sausages alone) the bread products are expensive, small and hard and I can’t have kitkats.

About the same time as I went GF, I had to change one of my meds.  One of my major players in the pain management game.

Since this magical time, I have gained in excess of 20 pounds.  Yep, in practical terms, a stone and a half.  Almost, all the weight I lost doing WW.  But the stupid thing is – the scales tell me this, my clothes don’t.

And no one has to my face either.

So.  Do the scales lie by admission or do my friends and family lie by omission?

 

Either way, I’m clearly not doing well.  I really, honestly don’t get it though. I’m not eating anything rubbish – as I can’t.  The only factor I can think is that I’m eating more carbs – pasta, rice and spuds, especially of an evening.  Do I attempt to go Atkins on GF?  I’ve got to do something serious to bring these numbers under control.  I feel like the blog is starting all over again being as I’ve undone everything that this blog has covered.  The other option is change meds again.  And I can’t face that.  The changeover this time was horrific.

 

So, I’m reaching out for help.  Please.

March 23, 2013

Grains of Sand

Posted in Health stuff, March tagged , , , , at 11:47 am by viewfromthisdesk

I love listening to my ipod and I always have it on shuffle. It’s a bit ecclectic but that makes it fun, such a range of genres and artists. I’m struggling at the moment, struggling to stay positive.  The other day in a particularly stupid moment, a song by Carrie Underwood came on and made everything fall into place:

 

It’s so easy to get lost inside
A problem that seems so big at the time
It’s like a river that’s so wide it swallows you whole
While you’re sitting around thinking about what you can’t change

And worrying about all the wrong things
Time’s flying by, moving so fast
You better make it count cause you can’t get it back
Sometimes that mountain you’ve been climbing
Is just a grain of sand

 

I just have to keep thinking about that last bit.  Grains of sand.

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