April 10, 2024
It’s just not very nice.
I thought I’d written in February or March but it seems not. Not that there is much to report – I paid a tonne of money to get the chassis/skeleton of the Smart fixed/repaired/rebuilt and it still failed the MOT so Mark emptied everything out the engine bay and rebuilt the blinking thing and changed the hamsters and elastic bands and it then passed. Phew.
Holiday was lovely and warm and sunny and just what you want from a holiday. I was stressing a bit too much about my car to fully switch off and on the first night in America I had some news which totally messed with my brain and left me overthinking considerably. I need to work on this over thinking habit. It’s not healthy and it’s not positive for my being.
And after holiday I really struggled. Everything was just too … Too loud, too bright, too colourful, too itchy, too wet, too muddy, too many, too much, just too …
So I totally withdrew into myself, It was the only way I could cope. I stopped reading, sewing, crafting, anything more than functioning really. I have taken myself away from everyone and everything. I can pretend no longer because everything was just too overwhelming.
I’m not out of this stupid status yet. By no stretch but I’m trying each day to challenge the overwhelming-ness and fight back. So I’ve started reading again which is lovely. I am forcing myself to stay around when there’s a client meeting at work – even though I don’t contribute or do more than hide – and I’ve promised my brain I will try and do something social by the end of the month.
What doesn’t help is this botox break. I was due to be poisoned in early March and because I’ve had this treatment for a year now, I have to have a break to prove it’s been working. Oh heck yes it was working. April has been the most evil month of the year and it’s only a week and a bit old. My headache diary is full of notes and tear stains and I had truly forgotten what pre-botox me coped with. I’m currently on day 9 of a cluster headache that Just. Won’t. Go. I considered sticking my head in a log splitter at the weekend just for a different sort of pain. The headaches are physically and emotionally incapacitating. I’m not functioning at work very well, I’m not wanting anything more that dark, soft, silent with cats. I am cycling through all the tricks I learnt before – eye masks, pressure points, pillow sprays, headache balms and drugs. I also emailed the lovely nurses and asked for some tips.
June 3rd. That’s all I’ve got to aim for. Two o’clock on June 3rd. Botox Monday again.
January 30, 2024
Are we nearly there yet?!
<said in a whining annoying voice>
Oh My Goodness. January seems to have lasted about eleventy thousand million days and it’s NOT EVEN OVER YET. Wowzers.
But to encourage the time to go faster, I’m giving you my month end update. Living life on the edge I really am. Strap in kiddiwinks, it’s about to get exciting. (It’s not. Sorry)
Pantry challenge shopping or not shopping went alright but we were not very well prepared this year and had a distinct lack of cheese to survive on. So yes, we had two occasions where we went shopping for the allowed cat food and milk and ended up with a few more things. It was a max of £25 though which I’m not angry about. A household our size (without the furry hooligans) spends on average £45/week so just £25 in a month was a bit fab. Obviously Olio helped massively with that and our indifference to cooking too. I dislike cooking and I find it such a chore, honestly, I’d rather iron than cook.
I sewed things and read things and wrote birthday cards and letters and tried to keep busy. No gardening as it’s too muddy. Lots of chicken refereeing too. Sigh. But we have eggs again finally which is very lovely.
My needle count for the month is at four. My migraine count for the month is at more than four.
My personal no spend went ….. okay. Of course, we have things that we cannot totally quit on and so I did spend £61 on (ahem) personal care. You don’t need details on that. And exante – my meal replacement company of choice – has decided to close down and move into protein stuff – so I spent £39 on shakes which is essentially food so maybe not so bad? I spent £20 on birthday gifts for an 18th which is entirely allowed I’m sure we would all agree. I had to spend £5 on some ‘undertray shield car clips’ which are bright orange and needed for the repair work that will happen next month. I still have to buy three more bags of clips for the panels or something, it’s just words about the Smart that he’s telling me.
I spent £8.50 on crafting materials and I KNOW. I know. This was most definitely a banned item but I can justify this I promise. I was going to make a *thing* out of some *items* for Christmas last year for someone. When I came to make it, I found Diesel had taken umbrage at the *items* and had wee’d on them. As only Diesel does. But in a big fat sale in a shop that I had ONLY gone into to shelter from the rain, I found a starter kit for this *thing* at half price. So I can now make it, and it will not smell of cat urine. And I think they’d appreciate that more than a stinky version.
And then I failed last weekend quite spectacularly. I fell into an ebay black hole and just … lapsed.
When I was at uni all those decades ago, I started collecting Pocket Dragons. And looking at them now, I can understand how I’ve become a bat lady. These little green figures were a treat for exam results or a gift from himself for events. When I had hospital stays or life events, there was a dragon. I found a photo of my dragons from my first uni house and to see the collection now some 25 ish years on is … impressive … We even had these dragons on our wedding cakes.
But the actions of the weekend and the way my brain behaved made me realise something quite scary. I am obsessive about my hobbies. I want ALL the dragons I’ve found I’m missing and I want them RIGHT NOW. When I was introduced to the gorgeousness that is Black Toast crockery by Emma Bridgewater I went mad for a few months buying Every Single Piece I didn’t have. Popsy dresses were a similar project and the El Camino steps too.
My rule for myself this year is that I can only purchase EB, Popsy frocks, Amazon items and El Camino bits with vouchers I have or earnt or get given. It’s working quite well so far, there is nothing I’m desperate for as yet. Although this holiday will trigger a required El Camino step that could, okay, probably wait until birthday. But ebay is a huge problem. I spent £53 on dragons; four dragons only. However. In my watch list thing on ebay I have 87 listings saved under ‘decorative collectables’ which will be mostly dragons and a couple of York Ghosts.
I would happily, without second thought, without remorse or thinking or conscience buy them all. Just. Like. That. I want to set a limit of one a week or two a month but I wouldn’t stick with it. I could make a wishlist but I don’t want to wait until August and December and no-one but me believes in the importance of half birthdays that fall outside of bat season!
I miss that dopamine rush. I miss happy post. Our postie thinks I died because of the lack of mail landing for me. I don’t want to go shopping in an actual shop, I don’t want to interact with real humans (other than our lovely postie) but I do, very much, want happy post and boxes of green joy.
I am very aware that spending less than £200 on ‘stuff’ is probably blinking marvellous in the grand scheme of things, but when half of that could have been avoided if I’d been stronger is a tough pill to swallow. But ooooh shiny, ooooh happiness, oooooh need/want/desire.
February is a reset. February is the month I recover from a two thousand plus pound tax bill, it’s when I spend three thousand pounds on getting my car less colander like and more solid. February is the month I have a half birthday, I go on my summer holiday (in advance of bat season summer) and get some sunshine and vitamin D and celebrate the foolishness that was leap years day. It may be short but it’s the month where my outgoings are more than seven times my income!
I. Must. Try. Harder.
January 18, 2024
Bah blah resolutions smevolutions
I guess in the interests of being honest and getting support from y’all, I should share my goals and aims and motivations for 2024. I don’t like resolutions or the word because it implies so much pressure and forced standards. Maybe the word could be removed from society and instead everyone just says ‘I’m going to be a better human being this year by not doing this or trying to do more of that’
So my targets for this year are fairly standard.
* Spend as little as possible so I’m not cluttering my surroundings.
* Sort out what I’ve already got (clothes/books/crafting stuff) and make the most of them.
* See a real life mole.
* Keep losing weight until the diabetic nurse is happy.
* Craft more with what resources I have. Sell or gift the stuff I make. No new hobbies!
* Stop being upset about being on my own so much, learn to love my own company and be content with doing free stuff like reading, crafting, housework, sorting the boxes of doom, gardening, litter-picking, writing happy post and notes.
* Get off social media (specifically facebook but keep twitter) blog more instead.
* Stop worrying about others’ opinions or lifestyles. I am me, I cannot be anyone else and start recognising my physical capabilities rather than being upset by what I ‘can’t do’ in comparison.
* I want to be less dependent upon hubby to have a social life, I need to find things I can do on my own or have friends be willing to do ’em with me or be happier to hermit.
* I’d like to go to a live rugby match again as I miss it massively.
* I’d like a cheeky win at Cheltenham Race Week.
* I want more solo theatre.
Making more of Olio has been fun. I made butter out of cream which went in the freezer and I’ve processed veg for freezing too. It all helps
Last week I had my carpal tunnel jabs (as you know) and it didn’t quite go to plan. Unfortunately, between wrists, the doctor went to put the cap on the syringe and the needle stuck him through the cap. Cue much paperwork and drama and me needing to go back for blood tests to ensure I hadn’t poisoned him and all sorts. Not fun. He’s since rung me to say I don’t have any blood based nasties that I was tested for which is a relief. He is also referring me to the hand surgeons at Worcester to see if they’ll actually operate on the CP rather than just surviving on jabs.
But we are half way through the month finally. Only another 800 or so days to go until February!
January 9, 2024
Send positivity.
At 11.30am I’m having my carpal tunnel jabs. I desperately want them, need them really, but they’re so ouchy that I’m gonna have huge regret for the first three hours or so.
if you have any spare, send positive thoughts please.
viewfromthisdesk 