June 29, 2017
Episode 4 Doctor in the House
This has been the episode I’ve been most looking forward to as for a while I’ve known it was about exhaustion, ME, fibromyalgia and similar conditions. I wasn’t expecting to get a massive breakthrough, but I was hoping for enlightenment.
I totally resonated with the statement ‘I just want to feel normal, I don’t want to be this tired, I just want the pain to go away’ and then the most real one ‘they give out pills and then some more pills and then different or stronger pills and then pills for the side effects’ this is SO TRUE. Ten minute appointments with a GP or a consultant literally just gives you a new prescription. Meds help for sure, but they’re not the answer.
The doctor talked about how fibromyalgia and ME are mystery illnesses. This is very true. Doctors have told me on more than one occasion that fibro and ME are diagnosis’ given out when nothing else applies. When all other things have been ruled out. And indeed, that was true in my case, I spent years having tests for thyroid issues, scans for MS, blood taken for Lyme and lupus and vitamin deficiencies, electrical hook-ups for nerve damage assessment. These were done repeatedly over these years of an unknown title to what was wrong.
I had a course of B12 injections which I didn’t think changed anything but I know some people find them amazing. I also went gluten free for six months and felt more awful after that than ever before but again, I’ve found some people who swear by GF living and the improvements this gives to their ME.
I’ve never gone diary free but I don’t consume a huge amount of dairy. I also don’t drink alcohol anymore. I am aware that some people drink to numb the pain. It’s utterly understandable, I would.
I saw the frustration in the faces of the family members. The fed-up-ness of there not being answers, of the restrictions in the lifestyle and the reliance on pills. And to some extent, there’s an element of suspicion – it can’t be as bad as they say.
The wish to maintain a normal life in terms of work or family responsibilities is so true for anyone with one of these invisible illnesses. We push ourselves to be normal whilst physically struggling. We want to be a good partner/parent/friend. We cannot physically be that good but we push and push and push. And yes, I’ve been told so many times that it’s not real, that it’s in my head and I just need to change my mindset or snap out of it or get (pay for) some CBT therapy so I retrain my brain to ignore the pain and exhaustion sensations.
Ignoring the pain and exhaustion and not being kind to ones self is a common thing with ME and fibro. No one believes us so why should we believe ourselves? Not coping with life, feeling like a constant failure is very real. Regardless of whether you’d say that to another person or not is irrelevant, you have a reduced number of friends with ME and fibro anyway. People are sick of you cancelling or leaving early or not getting wasted with them so they fall out of your life.
Going GF didn’t help me. I don’t eat a lot of sugar or junk food, and whilst rainbow eating was fun, I didn’t feel any different then either. It brought other issues and challenges as well but eating more fruit and veg is always going to be a good move and I’m working towards that every day.
I was hoping I’d get some magic solutions from the program, hoping I’d get something new to try or think about. I’m struggling this fortnight, I’m sleeping during the day more, having chronic headaches and brain fog. Alas, there is no magic wand, the Doctor was not in my House to solve my issues but it was helpful. I felt like I wasn’t alone, I saw myself reflected in the people on the show. I wasn’t a liar, I wasn’t imagining it.
I’m very certain that my mental health has a huge impact on my physical health and that’s something that maybe I need to focus on more this year. Stop worrying, stop stressing, try and reverse or remove the depressive feelings I get. I have no clue how I’m going to manage this but I know I have you guys to help me get through each day; one day – nay, one hour – at a time.
June 12, 2017
Skipping Meals – fasting or foolishness?
It’s super unusual for me to not be hungry. It’s no secret that I like food, I talk about it enough and think about it near enough all the time. Hubby and I will be in the middle of eating a meal and I’ll be asking him what he wants for the next one or if such and such would be okay. I tried doing weekly meal planning on our weekly blackboard organiser but it just meant that it was a stressful fifteen minutes in one solid lump of me asking what he fancies for tea this week and him replying ‘I don’t know what we’ve got’ and then me being super annoyed and frustrated over his inability to open the freezers or cupboards and look or – heaven forbid – actually remember what we bought recently. ARGH!
Food is my enemy and my comfort. It stresses me out and makes me happy. I just feels like a permanent bad relationship that you can’t leave because when it’s good, it’s really good and you can almost forget the horrid bits.
I started not feeling hungry when I did the rainbow eating a week ago. And for the last week it’s been a recurring thing. I’d not want breakfast most mornings and if I didn’t eat something then I also wouldn’t feel anything come lunchtime. By about 4.30 I’d be ready to eat my desk though which is reassuring! I can’t work out why eating makes me then regularly hungry but missing a meal isn’t triggering those same feelings.
Last week I read an article which said that people that didn’t eat between 7pm and 11am and then only had two meals (lunch and tea) lost more weight that people who ate tea at say 8pm and then breakfast. They put it down to this period of fasting. But I put it down to a skipped meal. If you are only eating twice a day then of course you’ll lose weight, it’s a whole meal’s worth of calories not going into your system. When I skip meals it doesn’t help me lose weight, it doesn’t change anything other than giving me food guilt over not eating.
The 5:2 diet was super popular last year and when I read about it, I just laughed. Miss a meal, you are joking! And yet somehow, I’m doing it inadvertently. This morning I ate breakfast but didn’t enjoy it and wanted to give up half way though. It was a nice breakfast, I just couldn’t be bothered with it. And it’s now almost 3pm and I’ve not fancied lunch yet. I probably won’t bother now, although I’ve got yoghurts in the fridge as a just in case. I have a drawer full of emergency hula-hoops that I’ve ignored for a couple of weeks. Food just isn’t giving me the same feeling of happiness and contentment any more and I don’t like it.
In bonus news, my mouth has stopped bleeding and going ganky. I also made a lasagne yesterday which had many, many vegetables in. I think I counted six and Hubby didn’t realise. It was delicious and he’s commented that he can’t wait to have it again tonight as we had enough left for a second meal. Maybe I need to do more food subterfuge to make it more exciting for me?
June 8, 2017
Revenge of the Rainbow
It really is as sinister as the title suggests.
Yesterday I decided to have a non-rainbow breakfast. I wanted to see how – if at all – I was affected by non rainbow foods, either physically or mentally. I suppose I was testing to see if my attitude to food had changed, so buy eating something that I knew wasn’t brilliantly good for me, would I feel guilty or inspired to counteract it and run a marathon or something.
So I had hot cross buns for breakfast. They smelt delicious in the toaster; the spices, the bread goodness. Yummy. And then paired with a layer of budget-supermarket-own-brand-Lurpak-type-product it was just heaven on a plate, I could not wait to just shove it into my face.
However, I have learnt to take my time over food and savour the different levels of senses. It didn’t make a noise so I was entirely enraptured by the look and the smell before the taste. It was beautiful.
My first bite. My very first bite. Oh my taste buds exploded with joy. And then a crunch and a weird metallic taste and ….. pain.
My mouth was on fire. The sensation in my mouth was horrid.
I had taken a chunk out of the inside of my lip. It’s just over 1cm square which for someone with a delicate sized mouth like mine, is a fairly massive lump.
I’d like to say that the rest of my hot cross bun breakfast was left on the table whilst I tended to the medical emergency, but it was not. I can say that hot cross buns with a blood coating are not tasty.
My lip yesterday swelled on the one side, it was super painful to drink hot tea or even warm tea so it was another water day and eating wasn’t fun so I just had cauliflower cheese for tea. This morning, it’s less oozy and less frequently bleeding so hopefully it will heal up soon.
Will accept tubs of ice cream as sympathy and love.
June 6, 2017
Rainbow Lessons Learned
It’s difficult to know what this experience has taught me as I’ve just got random thoughts about it.
For starters, I did honestly think that I might lose weight by eating far more healthily but I didn’t. Three days of mindful eating and I didn’t even see one pound off on the scales which surprised me. It wasn’t the reason for doing it but it would have been nice to see a change in numbers.
Rainbow eating as a concept is to target a rainbow a day. In order for me to to appreciate the theory of it all, I decided to try a rainbow a meal. Otherwise I’d be doing beige plus some sides which wouldn’t exactly teach me anything.
When I went shopping that first morning, I was surprised how expensive it was to buy a trolley of fruit and veg. But I have to remember that I’m taking the idea to an extreme. Beige food is cheaper – a box of frozen chicken steaks that will do two meals is cheaper than a tub of blueberries for example. I went shopping at what is considered a ‘budget’ supermarket, I can’t imagine what the cost would be if I shopped at a typical supermarket or at a farm shop. The trolley full I bought on the Friday morning was almost the same amount as our weekly shopping budget and that’s not fun. Aside from frozen veg that I already had in the freezer, this stuff also doesn’t last very long, and I hate shopping. Rainbow eating over a longer period of time would result in more trips to a supermarket which is something I don’t want to entertain.
Money aside, I learnt that salad is boring without mayo. Moving forward, a tub of coleslaw will be an investment and I’m sure it counts as something if I get a low fat low sugar version.
I was going to make a red cabbage side that even himself will eat. It has orange juice, raisins and apple in it. That’s got to be a couple of colours for sure. But the shop didn’t have red cabbage and I forgot it’s not the right season for that. Purple as a veg colour is hard.
Sandwiches are boring without crisps. I’m not sure sandwiches are really meals without crisps to be honest.
I was surprised that the first breakfast was so nice. That mix of fruit with yogurt was delicious. Going forward, porridge with mixed berries would cover three colours and if I found some nuts or seeds that would add texture. I get super bored with food really quickly so I’d need to find something to keep changing the texture and presentation of food and I’m not sure I’ve got the imagination for that.
I really liked the sweet potato thing I did for tea on Saturday, it was easy to make and really tasty. I will make it again for sure. And not just because I’ve got another sweet potato in the veg rack.
Because I was eating so much veg and fruit, I noticed my meat consumption reduced. It wasn’t intentional but just happened. My besties will have opposing feelings about this. The sweet potato dish for example is supposed to have bacon or a gammon steak chopped up into it, but I just used some left over pancetta from the salmon dish on Friday, so it wasn’t as much as the recipe suggested. And when I was eating salads, I was happy with the raw nuts as protein. Chicken is my favourite thing in the world and I’ve not eaten it at all over the three days.
Wearing jeans that I knew were tight made me more conscious about the amounts I was eating. I didn’t have anything ‘treat’ over these three days – no chocolate, crisps, ice cream, biscuits or cake. I can’t say that’s been particularly fun but it was part of the process.
As an experience, it was thought provoking and challenging and frustrating and fun all mixed up in a mad mixing bowl of food. I had to plan ahead more and think about what I was having and allowing time to prepare and rest up. Food was – to a point – more enjoyable but salads are my sticking point. They’re boring and dry and I don’t want to feel like I’m eating cardboard. Another massive issue is that I dislike cooking. It’s a struggle for me, physically and mentally. It hurts. I get no pleasure from cooking. I hate the fact I’ll wrestle with ingredients and kitchen space for an hour or more and within ten minutes of dishing up, it’s all gone. I wish hubby would cook more but he won’t. His idea of cooking is buying a takeaway on a Saturday night. It’s tough. I could really do with someone else cooking for me and then I’ll be more open to trying new stuff and I’d feel less angry about how making meals hurts so much.
What has been super lovely is the people that have found this blog and messaged me and told me that they’ve given it a go for a meal or a day. The statistics have been bonkers. The supportive comments have been amazing. Maybe that’s what I need to focus on from now on? Food rather than the health updates.
June 5, 2017
Day Three update
Day Three was tougher than I imagined. Sunday is the one day hubby is home so we usually have a massive list of jobs to get done. It’s usually busy and productive. But yesterday was wet and it meant that all the things we wanted to get done in the garden were difficult and all the house jobs I’d done on Friday and Saturday to keep distracted. And I’d woken with a banging headache which I didn’t understand. Doctor Google informed me that drinking eight pints of water was actually a Very Bad Thing. Turns out, drinking too much water in one day is actually the same as not drinking enough and makes you quite ill. Fatigue and headaches being the main symptoms. Ooops.
So Sunday I was careful to keep my intake to three pints. Which was more difficult than I anticipated. I’d woken not feeling hungry again which is a bizarre concept for me. I’m always hungry, always thinking about food and my next meal. Food is used to celebrate, to cheer me up when I’m sad and to suppress emotions. Hubby uses it as an apology. Food is central to everything.
Lunch was a bacon sandwich filled with tomato and lettuce too. I didn’t take a picture because you all know what a bacon sandwich looks like and equally, I didn’t have a whole rainbow in the meal.
Tea was lovely thought, I made vegetable cous cous and got all the colours in it except purple. If I knew how to cook aubergines, this would have been a perfect rainbow. I had a bowl of fruit afterwards so I got all the colours then.
There’s enough left over for me to have this again for tea so that’s something to look forward to.
I’m not sure what three days of rainbow eating has achieved other than making me realise it’s super hard to have purple in every meal. I love beetroot but can’t have it every meal. I need to think about this experience and reflect back.
June 3, 2017
Day Two, sponsored by Crayola
Saturday I woke and I wasn’t hungry. This is most unusual
Saturday has always been a day of food pleasure. Breakfast would be pain aux chocolat from Lidl or something involving toast. Always carb centred. The treat for the weekend.
I foolishly jumped on the scales. In my head, eating well for one day should automatically result in a half stone weight loss but of course the scales showed no different to the day before. I told you my relationship with food was twisted.
Saturday is also a day of chores, so I kept busy and drank water and just had zero desire to eat. By half one I knew this lack of desire should be ignored. Eating is a vital part of survival after all.
I didn’t want to take a picture of a sandwich. That’s proper naff. But I’m looking on this as accountability. I could tell you I ate a sandwich but I might have secretly shoved crisps and chocolate in my face. I’ve got to be honest and writing this is forcing that issue.
Not feeling hungry made this meal prep frustrating. But hey ho.
Red – tomato
Orange – carrot in sandwich
Yellow – pepper
Green – lettuce in sandwich
Blue – red cabbage in sandwich
White – spring onion
Tan – brown bread
Two things I learnt from lunch.
1 – a salad is boring without lashings of mayo.
2 – a sandwich is boring without crisps.
But I’ve also challenged myself in a different way, I’ve put on a pair of jeans that I’ve not been able to wear since before holiday in February. I can do them up without too much issue and they’re snug but not cutting off circulation to legs. I’ve managed to keep them done up until after tea. And post-tea is always going to be a pyjamas and dressing gown kind of time anyway.
Tea was my favourite so far of the five rainbow meals that I’ve made, sweet and sticky stuffed sweet potato. I used half the amount of maple syrup and double the amount of mustard and it was delicious.
Red – peppers
Yellow – peppers
Orange – sweet potato
Green – courgette
Purple – beetroot added post photo
White – mushrooms
Tan – raw cashews
Honestly, it was lush. And quite easy to prepare too. And I might have a small bowl of fruit in a bit if I feel the need but currently I’m super full.
A Colourful Day One
So, I survived Day One. Hoorah. All that fruit and veg didn’t kill me.
And I must apologise now. I think that people who take photographs of their food are proper wanky. I can think of nothing more self absorbed than a picture of your dinner. And yet, I’ve fallen into that category. I’m trying to justify it in my head by reminding myself that I need pictures for this blog, for people to interact with my challenge and help me. But I still feel like a pillock.
You all saw my breakfast yesterday, it was tasty and pleasant and whilst my white element of natural yogurt wasn’t strictly accurate, there was no way I was putting banana in my face which is the only white fruit on the lists I’d found. I figured natural yogurt was a good compromise because it’s good for gut bacteria. And better than clotted cream in terms of nutrition.
I didn’t find lunch too much of a struggle either, I just made myself a reasonable bowl of salad stuff. Fairly easy to throw together but I was reminded very quickly why defaulting to beige food is so easy. Cutting and washing all these veg is hard work. And I know you will be scoffing that line, what can be difficult about hacking up some items? But I struggle with my hands, I find it difficult to hold stuff and giving me a sharp knife is a huge liability. By the time I’d finished cutting stuff, three of my fingers had swollen, my joints were on fire and I really didn’t want to eat, I just wanted to cry and feel sorry for myself. So this is an added dimension to the challenge for me; healthy eating without hurting myself too much. I don’t agree with pre-prepared stuff, I think it’s lazy and expensive and a daft concept. Plus, I’m too stubborn to give in.
So, this is lunch:
This was possibly more easy to do than breakfast.
Red/Pink – tomato
Yellow – sweet peppers
Orange – carrot (I dislike raw carrot massively, so this was a big thing for me)
Green – Lettuce and cucumber
Blue/Purple – Beetroot and red cabbage
White – Spring onions
Tan – Raw peanuts
I again, tried to eat whilst concentrating on my food. I ate the carrots first because I really dislike raw carrots and I wanted to enjoy my meal, so I got those out the way quickly. The rest was alright but afterwards, I felt like it had taken forever to eat, I was chewing my food so much more than usual and I was bored of eating by then end of it which is a new concept for me.
The evening meal was one I had to make that would suit both my new challenge and hubby’s need for feeding. He’s tried to be supportive in this but ultimately, he is a boy and thinks that a comment along the lines of ‘I had a pint of cider, which is apples and therefore green’ is helpful. Or ‘what colour is a cheese sandwich on white bread with salt and vinegar crisps?’
Neither of us are big fans of fish. Not proper fish anyway. We both appreciate it’s super good for us but we’re not bothered about it.
(As an aside, yesterday was apparently national fish and chip day in the UK and national donut day in Canada, why did I start Day One of Rainbow eating on this date?!!?)
But it was Friday and therefore it was fish for tea. This is what I made:
Red/Pink – Salmon. Yep, it’s so good for us it counts on the rainbow scale, ours is wrapped in pancetta stuff to make it taste nice.
Yellow – corn
Orange – carrot
Green – green beans
Blue/Purple – was blueberries for pudding
White – potato
Tan – missing
I have to confess, I didn’t enjoy this meal at all. I don’t enjoy fish, I eat it because I know I should. I eat it because fish from the chippy isn’t the best decision. And even hubby ate all the veg, the carrots were reluctant on his part and he flicked lots over to me but he did eat some. I also struggle with the concept of potato being white. Avoiding carbs is something I actively do when I need to shift weight and so having spuds is a weird thing for me. I could have had cauliflower but the recipe for the roasted salmon has you bake the fish over the small new potatoes and so it had to be that way. On looking back, my day was gluten free and that doesn’t have good memories for me.
I’ve found myself drinking lots more water too. I drink lots anyway but I made myself aware of amounts yesterday. So one pint before breakfast, two pints between breakfast and lunch, two pints between lunch and the evening meal and then another one between the salmon and bedtime. It may be excessive but water suppresses the hunger feeling.
I’m not going to say day one was easy but I bring my own personal issues to the challenge. I’m certainly concerned at how beige my life had become but I have a bad relationship with food and beige is safe. Safe but not good.
June 2, 2017
Eating the Rainbow
I’ve often written about my food demons, it’s not a new thing I’m springing onto the world this morning. I really struggle with my weight, it’s never under control, I’m never happy with the numbers on the scales or the way I look or feel. Even when I finished the ww vouchers and had lost all that weight, I didn’t see the change, I didn’t feel any different and without that routine and structure and pressure to succeed, it’s all gone south. I’m not as heavy as I was on my wedding day, that’s always been a big number to avoid for me and I’m managing that at least, but it’s still not enough.
I hate the fact that weight can go on in one meal but it then takes two weeks for it to come off. I have zero patience in life let alone something as huge as body image and weight numbers.
So the other day I was watching something called ‘Doctor in the House’ on BBC. I stumbled upon this the other week when there was a show about cluster headaches and the most recent one mentioned something called rainbow eating. It’s all linked to better, healthier eating and getting a better balance of vitamins and stuff into your body.
Chatting to hubby about it, we are very much easy beige eaters. We need to be better about what is on a plate. It’s difficult because he only likes peas and doesn’t contemplate salad or fruit. When I’m cooking – a task I hate – I don’t want to prolong the trauma by cooking stuff for him and other stuff for me, it’s just too much. So we fall into a trap of not enough veg or fruit in a week, let alone a day.
Rainbow eating is as it sounds, you have to try and within one day eat all the colours – red (and pink), orange, yellow, green, blue (and purple), white and tan.
So this weekend I’m trying rainbow eating in a massive way. Three days of really making an effort FOR ME. I have to try something crazy and new to reboot my relationship and attitude to food. I wish I could afford either a food delivery or a chef thing but it’s not an option. I’d like to know how to cook new stuff but I don’t have the confidence to try and I find it pointless and unfulfilling when it’s just for me. So, my attitude is – how hard can just three days be?
So this morning I headed off to the supermarket and ended up with a trolley full of fruit and veg which was a new concept to me. Aside from a tub of natural yogurt and a tin of salmon, this trolley could have been for a vegan I’m sure.
Day One, Meal One.
Red/Pink – strawberries, raspberries and cranberries.
Orange – mandarin oranges.
Yellow -grapefruit.
Green – grapes.
Blue/Purple – blueberries.
White – natural yoghurt. (added after picture)
Tan – raw cashew nuts.
It was tasty but yes, I ate it with a cake fork. I wanted to take my time and consider what I was pushing into my face. I felt if I used a spoon, I’d just mindlessly shovel.
So between this meal and my next, I have an aim to drink two pints of water and keep busy. When I’m not occupied I eat and that’s not good. I need to be distracted but also mindful for three days so that maybe habits are changed. And then after the two pints I guess I need to start washing and chopping stuff for meal two.
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